INFECTION TO PRICKLY EMOTIONS FROM OTHERS

Something I have experienced many times though didn’t realise then though later observed to realise a super common problem that holds an individual from performing to their potentials, keeping many of us from executing our best. It is the ability to regulate our emotions, depending on how allowing we are to a principle called Emotional Corruption.

Emotional Corruption

It is the pace at which we can influence the emotions of other people and make them as our own. The problem is most of us are highly sensitive to other people's emotions. Task completion or work performance either at work, leisure activity or at home will impact even with the smallest external factor. Although, we can learn how to avoid other people's emotions by becoming better at regulating our own.

The best possible and common experience is the pandemic due to the Novel Coronavirus outbreak. It evolved from Wuhan city in China and soon caused a state of a pandemic, now has a lasting impression figuratively and literally. So much that the method to regulate our emotions and avoid catching the emotions of other people, I will name it the “Viral Effect.” I have summarised that the coronavirus is just like us humans. They can be contagious, and if we are not careful, they can infect us and also claim others around us.

To understand how this processes in real life, it is essential to know what emotions actually are. There's two popular theories about where emotions come from, first theory being the Cognitive Appraisal.

Definition: It is the experience of an emotion we judge where our current situation aligns with our expectations.

Example: Let's consider you are on your way home to disclose your exam results and that you have topped the batch with your mother. You walk through the door, you find her sitting on the couch, but instead of “wha’s the result like?” She leave the room without saying a word. Now, that's not how you expected leading to the emotion of feeling annoyed. This defines Cognitive Appraisal.

The other theory is called Physiological Perception

Definition: The emotions we subconsciously assign to the physical changes in our body.

Example: Public speaking is the perfect example. Most of us usually have a weird feeling right before the talk or speech. Sweaty palms, confusion and moment of panic imagining what if you forget. Considering the last time you spoke you had the same feeling and the speech went well, you may define that sensation as the emotion of excitement. On the other hand say you messed up last time, you may now define that feeling as anxiety or fear. Basically, we overlay our physiological perception from our past experiences onto our current situation.

Moreover, the interesting part in both the theories is how we assess the emotions of other people. A section in the brain that processes emotion and memory called the limbic system is considered to be a non feedback system as it can be influenced by any external factor.

Think about this as passing by someone and without communicating or greeting, you could feel how annoyed or excited that person is? And then maybe you too felt annoyed or excited. It's an interesting concept to think about, because our brain is capable to pick up these subtle cues in our environment, which makes it possible for the other person's emotions to infect your emotional state.

Many people don't realise that every human being is affected by our non feedback system. Many people at work or on the same team inevitably catch feelings from one another. They share everything from jealousy to envy and worry to joy. The more connected they are, the stronger is the sharing of emotions.

Positive Consideration: If the team has a larger target to achieve but the captain regulates his or her emotions by staying grounded and calm, which increases the likelihood that the rest of the team will stay grounded and calm as well.

Negative Consideration: All it takes is for one person on that team to express a negative emotion for the whole thing to fall apart.

Now take a moment and think about how long you have held onto an emotion say irritation, especially after an encounter from a person who is agitated. Was it days? Weeks? Months?

The ideal situation, which improves team and group dynamics as well as individual happiness, is for everyone to control their emotional state by sending back the other person's emotions to them. And research prove that there's two common emotion regulation strategies that can be the best solution.

SOLUTION

The first method to regulate emotions is called Cognitive Reappraisal, where you work to reframe how you interpret the situation in order to regulate your emotions. Countering the first theory of Cognitive Appraisal explained above, you assign definitions to a situation based on your goals and expectations on the outcome. For instance, taking active steps like following social distancing, regularly sanitising hands and wearing a face mask to re-evaluate your outdoor activity in order to avoid being a victim in on-going the pandemic.

Training our brain to reframe is time consuming and needs dedication. This will not be easy as there are hints of truth within each of our thoughts. But if we work consistently on reframing, we shall be able to engage prickly people without being negatively affected by their mood.

The second method to regulate emotion is Acceptance. It is learning to accept a moment for what it actually is and not what you expect it to be. To explain this this, I will use a three-step framework: "OK; so what; now what." By saying "OK," you halt all additional judgment to the person or to the situation. You then allow yourself space to accept your physiological responses and your perception to what's happening. And once you've distanced yourself from your thoughts and your emotional state, then you can say, "so what" because this helps acknowledge what happened purely as an event. And as you transit to "now what" that adds that you have gathered enough information to be able to respond to the event.

Now most people can get to "OK " but struggle to get past "so what" because it can be difficult to detach our physiological perception from the situation. Now here's something essential to be kept in mind, acceptance does not mean that we are OKAY with what happened or that you even want it to continue. It means that we are able to take an aerial shot of the exchange and understand where the prickly spines are and if they're worth attaching to.

Now, both of these strategies are my favourites because they are powerful and effective, especially on the effects that they have on how we approach life and relationships. One study suggests that cognitive reappraisal tends to be associated with more immediate emotional relief in negative situations, whereas acceptance may be better suited for decreasing short-term physiological reactions in unpleasant situations. But the best part? Both of these strategies don't have to be separate practices. Acceptance and cognitive reappraisal can be used interchangeably in order to maintain emotional self-control. The key though to implementing them is to become self-aware when you become emotionally triggered by another person or event. And once you've consciously become aware of either your thoughts, emotions or physical sensations, well then you can practice either technique.

These may be common concepts, but they are definitely not commonly practiced. So by remembering the jumping Viral Effect, it will help you to be more self-aware and self-regulated. And in turn, well, you'll avoid getting pricked by ... a prick.

AN INFECTION FORM REJECTION

There is an epidemic that has invaded the environment of every one of us. It is often undetected, undiagnosed and underestimated. It is AN INFECTION FROM REJECTION. There are many who will not agree to the epidemic overlooking the fact that it is universal & unavoidable. No matter who you are, how much have you accomplished unenviably have to deal with the reality of rejection. It is not hidden any more that every Perfect Person who has walked on the face of Earth has not dealt with rejection. Successful Businessmen, Political Leaders and Idolised Personalities in the alive or dead long back in history. They have always felt|did|said what was needed and have treated people the way they were supposed to be treated reciprocating to which people have rejected them sometime or the other. If these people have faced rejection then there are no other logical reasons that everyone of us are dealing with rejection too. 

Denied a job or promotion, broken up or failed to impress a prospect life partner,  not making it to the college/school football team or stated not eligible for a  scholarship. These are some commonly at general spaces everyone has currently or earlier has faced. Rejection is a refusal from someone else's part to show acceptance. People may sometimes accept you for the person you are and reject you for the person you aren't. In case of hiring sales executives, companies seek self-motivated and energetic personalities and avoid hiring people who are constantly seeking guidance. 

'Rejection' has its roots in Latin meaning 'to throw backwards', appropriately used to put us back by pulling us down to reach our potentials and change/improve our realities of life. Rejection is a very effective weapon to wound the SOUL and shatter SELF-CONFIDENCE. The wound of rejection is not visible but it bleeds internally making it an undetected haemorrhage of emotions growing inside. The wounds may self-heal but infections do not. Infection from rejection don’t show up in form of puss like usual infections do but they show up in personalities. 

Carrying a bad attitude, being careless, being emotionless, being dismissive, refusal for acceptance, people pleasing tendency and the purpose dependent on someone else’s pleasure is not rejection it is AN INFECTION FROM REJECTION. 

The inclination to be a saviour and take all responsibilities of saving the day for every single person by virtue of over committing or over extending yourself under the pressure or just expectations and finally helping people who don’t even want to help themselves is not  just rejection it is AN INFECTION FROM REJECTION. 

Similarly, the apprehensiveness that doesn't allow you to use the knowledge,  talent and potentials are not personality traits but they are a stimulus reaction to AN INFECTION FROM REJECTION.

 

We mostly do not care about everybody's perseverance about us but it hurts when rejection comes from the people we value the most. Just because someone seems to be quiet doesn’t mean she/he is not injured and considering them not gifted with unique strengths. Some people can be annoyed, affected and on the other hand being so dysfunctional, competitive, jealous and manipulative. Simply because they are confused subjecting them to an abusive situation and tolerating it as well because they can not live without being needed. We realise getting abused but we accept it as we don’t want to lose them as they are so important to us. We develop something known as  SELECTIVE CONFLICT AVOIDANCE and we do not realise that their rejection is not our responsibility because they rejecting speaks more about them than it does about us. Rejection can be a result of their vision but not our values. Moreover, a rejection can be the result of you succeeding reflecting their failures. Sometimes there is nothing wrong with us actually, we seem to be a reflection for something that happened to us and not to them. We weren’t created imperfect or with an acceptance defect, it is we who seek acceptance fearing an Infection from Rejection. We need to tell ourselves daily “I AM NOT PERFECT BUT I AM ENOUGH” and make sure that we believe in ourselves creating a light that will light up the darkest place where rejection has infected us. When we are told we are not good enough, not smart enough and a misfit these are genuinely lies said reminding us about the existence of an Infection from Rejection.

Concluding by saying no one is born perfect nor a misfit. The very existence is a miracle itself indicating how special, talented and blessed that person is to be chosen for the very situation he/she has taken birth. Let's not fear rejection believing approvals and rejections are not something we humans can judge. Its a negative tool used against every possibility of our success hurting someones self respect where they had failed. 

SELF LOVE

 

Have you ever asked yourself “what defines me as a person and makes me the person I am”? Most of us characterise ourselves through a physical image of our profession, bank balance and mostly on what are people's opinion about us. We initially determine ourselves through three things termed as people’s opinion about us, our personality and physical appearance (physique for boys | figure for girls) and our relationships. The very initial need of pleasing people ti make everyone to like us. The more likeable we are the chances of us being needed, important and popular. Shaping us to a person that everyone would like. Simply said a life on opinion of others. It goes relentlessly immoral when we indulge in attaining the perfect physique/figure by dieting and cutting down on our meals. Furthermore getting in a relationship where we believe happiness comes from that one person we are affectionate to and we manage to pressurise them to be everything to us in exchange of making us feel worthy. Resulting the relationship to end and leaving us devastating/heart broken. So, broken that we lose our sense of identity, the only reason being that we do not know ourselves at all. 

 

Going forward we heal ourselves listening to positive affirmations, reading motivational books and seeking methods to find our happiness for ourselves. Thus, realising our capabilities of being our own self. To rectify our earlier mistakes of letting these things to control and consume our lives we seek happiness around these things and never ever seem to find it. Overlooking the fact that happiness is something we create on our terms for ourselves. The world that we live in is something we create for ourselves regardless to worldly society we actually live in. It’s about an individual's world each and every one of us experiences. This is where we shape ourselves, our worlds and our lives too. There is only one part of the universe we can all be certain about changing and that’s ourselves. 

 

Self-love is a state of appreciation for oneself that grows from actions that support our physical, psychological and spiritual growth. Self-love means having high regards to your own well-being and happiness, taking care of your own needs and not to sacrifice it to please others. Self-love means not settling for less than you deserve.

I came across a wonderful book named Fifteen Invaluable Laws by John Maxwell. The writer summarising facts we often ignore quotes “As children our bodies grow automatically a year goes by we get taller we become stronger become capable of doing more things facing new challenges. But a lot of us carry a subconscious belief into adulthood. That spiritual, mental and emotional growth occurs automatically too”. Personal growth has to be intentional and we need to take ownership of our growth process because we do not simply improve by coincidence. It's only when we focus our energy on getting to know and spending more time by ourselves resulting in learning more about ourselves. We need to make ourselves a priority in our lives and self-discovery is the best gift we can present ourselves.

 

Many people may think putting ourselves first is being selfish but it actually means taking a stand, looking at yourself saying “I will do everything in my power to see myself succeed and fulfil my dreams. I am going to make the best choices in my life, surround myself with self-chosen correct people that add value to me”. Once we decide to love who we are, we can take that self-love and spread it to other's. Without self-love, we are limiting our ability to add ourselves into lives of other people and add value to them. Living the best version of our self inspires other people to follow to live their best version as well. 

 

The relationship we have with ourselves is priority and important. It is how we see and treat ourselves reciprocating to how we treat other people. It is irrational to give love to other's when we don’t love our selves first. We must now think of every person that surrounds us asking ourselves “are these people adding value or helping me grow into the person I wish to become”. Then finally ask to ourselves “am I adding value to me?” These two questions are crucial since people we are alongside life has major impact and influence in our personality, growth and development. Nevertheless, we ourself are the biggest impact and influence dwellers in our lives. 

So, if the answer to these two questions is NO, then let's decide today that we go through a transformation. If you decide to take that transformation do not just place a small amount of value to yourself since it is guaranteed that the world will not raise your worth. KNOW YOUR OWN SELF-WORTH. Concluding on a positive note, let’s start focusing, developing and improving ourselves for good thing will surely come along. It is about time you notice the gap between where you are currently and where you see yourself can be achieved only with constant growth. This thing called life happening alongside is genuinely difficult yet worth living. Wishing you all a life where you have high regards for yourself, prioritise yourself and appreciate your gift called life. Love yourself and the world will love you back inevitably.

ADDICTION FOR APPROVAL

Is seeking approvals an addiction, Really? 

This can be the first question you may consider reading the title of the blog. The answer to this quarry is ABSOLUTELY YES, MOST OF US ARE ADDICTED TO IT. 

Approvals can have impacts on people more than addiction to substances. People get the momentum on approvals from others defining ‘how a person feels about you’. It is a sense where we consciously suggest that “the way I feel about ME is based on how somebody else feels about ME and it is somebody else’s feeling much more valuable than yours.”This is because we have given the power to someone to think and change our thinking and decision-making abilities and this is called APPROVAL ADDICTION. 

Approval Addiction is an expression to an infection from rejection where it doesn’t make us bleed physically but emotionally it hurts a lot. It is interesting for people who think they have a personality type that does not make us an approval addiction, instead of meeting our own needs we are accommodating others preferences. We end up giving people what they want and not something they need. This satisfies our need for attention more than assistance. So instead of meeting their needs we are accommodating their preferences because our activity although from the outside looks we are doing it for them wherein from the inside we are doing it for ourselves. We give them help they give us compliments, approvals and getting a feel of being needed.

 

The feeling of being not needed or rejection is FEAR. Approval Addiction follows Passive Aggressiveness as well, we keep stuffing feelings within because there is conflict avoidance as we don’t want to say what we feel because we don’t want to offend the source and pleasure we receive of being NEEDED. So, we choose to rather feel the discomfort with our feelings than dealing with the possibility of rejection. We tend to suppress discomforting feelings repeatedly then the outcomes is inevitable. When we don’t show our expressions where they should be expressed and control them, they come out when they shouldn’t be expressed and are out of our control. When we should be talking about an issue in this year but we start going all the way back from 2010 coming on to every suppressed feeling. This is genuinely because we are ready dealing with the discomfort in dysfunctionality rather than the possibility of they rejecting us then.

 

“I feel what I feel but I won’t say what I feel”, this plays with every aspect of our lives. It will troll professionally and torture socially and it will make us feel miserable in every relationship whatsoever. Every relation is on reciprocity, freely expressing needs and expressions. This is a vicious circle where we are when its needed by somebody more than anybody really needing it protecting our necessity of being needed. The struggle to keep up with being needed complements an ANGER. Anger here is the secondary expression for instance first we are cheated then is when we are angry.

 

We cannot realize unless we are in denial and at some point, people need to admit that “what people think about me extremely matters”. Recalling an action we took when the inner conscious asked us to do something nevertheless we did something else to avoide being rejected. Many of us aspire to lead and some are already leading. It is a difficult situation here as leading principal says YOU DO NOT LEAD THE ONES YOU NEED. When you need the ones you lead they are helping you where it should have been the other way around meaning that rather than guiding them we will be accommodating their needs. If we do not take control of this behavior of ours it limits our true potentials in life. So, when we want to be in demand we need to understand that every day I am making decisions that is disappointing people because if we have to reject offers and opportunities everybody is not going to be motivated. Leading we will except every opportunity, respond to every request helping everybody not realizing that we didn’t live life for ourselves. Three things people with approval addiction face on a regular basis:

1.    Suffering abuse from the ones being satisfied.

2.    Having many useless people in their life.

3.    Pursuing other people’s preferences ignoring own purpose.

 

Now realizing that Approval Addiction blinds us and puts excuses in our tongue so that we don’t see the real side of people and make excuse we needing their approval. It is essential that we stop wasting our time trying to DELIGHT PEOPLE that is to accomplish something that cannot be accomplished. Contribute the best to satisfy them and they will have complained to counter remembering the times we have failed to deliver.

 

I wish each one of us get rid of APPROVAL ADDICTION. Most of us are and don’t really realize suffering. Let’s declare that we will jump into a sea of possibilities we haven’t considered or heard before for betterment of our quality of life and aiming to achieve goals set by us seeking no approvals.

HEALTHY ROMANTIC RELATIONSHIP !!

Intimacy, Security, Respect, Good Communication and a sense of being valued these undoubtedly are elements which most people would agree involves in a healthy relationship. Many researchers and scholars have worked and agree to these elements in their findings and articles on healthy relationships. They also mention that frequent arguments between couples, lack of support, contempt, criticism, hostility are a few negative elements that take place in the relationship causing a lot of unhappiness and discomfort to either partners and in most cases, includes both. This leads to an ending of a relationship or divorce, a decision taken to part ways as there is no substantial reason to continue. Break-ups or divorce is just not any course of action or judgement, it is by human psychology making people physically and emotionally confused. This is by far the only reason that people engage into unhealthy relationships. Majority of us are unaware of the elements, do’s and don’ts of a healthy relationship because we are never formally explained. We learn from our experiences, right from the first couple in our lives our parents adding to famous personalities thinking and forming an idol healthy relationship prototype or benchmark. The truth of the moment is we consider Couples Therapy or talking to elders when it’s almost unamendable. Here the couples realize either the elderly or therapist do not understand or are considered biased or they were never meant to be together. The true reason being we have become intolerant to change and cannot accept the fact went were wrong somewhere. Most of this knowledge based on personal experience is shared with us right before marriage be it talking to a groom or bride to be. Most of it are partners who feel trapped in their relationships and are sharing perspectives of their partners being incompetent feeding the misery making it even more difficult because the person has already selected and what if it’s a bad choice for a partner? Isn’t that a bit too late to even share experiences and perspectives? The bottom line is “NO EXPERIENCED OR THERAPIST GUIDANCE CAN MAKE UP FOR A BAD PARTNER CHOICE.”

We need to adapt and learn about having a healthy relationship because it has been limited as they fail to address three major concerns. 

1.     Knowing what you need in a relationship 

2.     Selecting the right person 

3.     Developing and using skills from the beginning. 

We need to learn about our future relationships at a very young age following a skill based approach to relationships functioning leads us to create a healthy relationship reducing the ones that may lead to unhealthy ones. It consists of INSIGHT, MUTUALITY AND EMOTIONAL REGULATION forming the base of Romantic Competence. It is the ability to function adaptively across all aspects of a relationship process right from understanding what you need in choosing the right partner to building a healthy relationship, maintaining and growing one also for times where you need to get out of a relationship. 

INSIGHT is about awareness, understanding and learning. With insight, you can understand who you are, what you need and why do you react the way you always do. For instance, you are being irritable to your partner, with insight you may realize it is not something related to your partner it can be your work stress where you need to calm down so that it doesn’t bleed on to your relationship. It will also let you understand your partner better making you to able to anticipate the positive and negative consequences of your behavior. With insight, you will learn from your mistakes in a way that will allow you to behave in the future. For instance, maybe you will be able to understand that you are the kind of person which jumps into romance early and then things don’t work out and then would realize for the next time would be slow and easy to not to repeat the same mistake.  

 

Mutuality, it is about understanding that both people have needs and both senses of needs matter is the second skill. With mutuality, you will be able to communicate your own needs clearly likely making it to be met. For instance, you are to attend an office function and are needed to deliver a speech. You will be able to communicate to your partner that its going to be quite stressful there your need of them to accompany you as they are a good support. Similarly, with mutuality you will even understand to meet your partners needs as well and also makes you make decisions which are best for the both of you. Switching roles in the previous case, consider your partner has asked you to accompany them to an office event you will be able to rationalize and fulfill their needs adjusting your schedule for that day in advance not to disturb your priorities as well.

 

The third skill is EMOTIONAL REGULATION, is the response to things that happen in your relationship. With emotional regulation, you will be able to keep your emotions calm in your relationship and keep things in a positive angle of approach. For instance, in tight situations you may consider it as a disaster, difficult for you to handle and things like it’s the end of it wherein with emotional regulation you will consider it something that is manageable and you will be able to handle it. With emotional regulation, you will be able to tolerate uncomfortable feelings and not react impulsively making you to think yourself through the situation easily. It will make you maintain self-respect and commitment to your needs even if bad things happen in your relationships.

 

So, I believe insight, mutuality and emotional regulation when practiced on a day-to-day basis can help people with a healthy relationship. Being romantically competent at a young age is associated with more adaptive relationship functioning and greater individual wellbeing. We may know what a healthy relationship looks like but people have no idea how to have one and no one teaches us to do so. It is to know what an individual wants in a relationship and is able to choose the right partner. The decision made should be strong enough to deal with the challenges the relationships bring. Bringing to the conclusion that we need to learn and build skills right from the beginning. As this is the notion of Relationship Competence about. I strongly believe for sustaining a successful and motivated life the key is a good partner that we lack by making wrong choices and end up unhappy and lonely. I hope this adds value to your living and may you have a relationship you can depend and feel proud of. 

Depression: A disease or an Epidemic of Modern Civilization

I believe DEPRESSION is tragically misunderstood word in the entire English language. The fact is Depression has radically tow different meanings depending on the context. So, everyday conversations when people say that they are depressed, they use depression as a synonym of sadness. It’s a normal reaction to the state of our lives making all of us know the pain of Depression. Yet clinically depression is a short hand for devastating illness which is known as Major Depressive Disorder. This is a disorder that robs people off their restorative sleep robs their energy, focus, concentration, memory and their abilities to enjoy the pleasures of life. For most individual it robs them from the ability to love, work, play and will also rob them from the willingness to live. Clinical Psychologists explain it as it lights up the pain circuitry of the brain to a point that if you happen to communicate with a clinically depressed person and they speak their heart out they will tell you it is torment, agony, torturous and many attempt death as a means to escape. Depression is the major reason that drives people to suicide and *India reported 381 deaths by suicide daily in 2019, totalling 1,39,123 fatalities over the year, according to the latest National Crime Records Bureau(NCRB) data.**Close to 800 000 people die due to suicide every year, which is one person every 40 seconds. Suicide is a global epidemic and occurs throughout the lifespan not pertaining to specific gender, tradition, culture, religion or race and it’s getting worse as the rate of depression is increasing generation after generation. So, every successive birth generation has higher rates of depression than that of which preceded it. Now is the time we need to understand what’s happening around the world and what’s behind driving this epidemic. 

 

What causes Depression is a question that is pretty complicated. There are articles after articles published that have given different factors that are implicated towards the onset of depression reasoning biological, cultural, social and behavioural. If we way through the complexity we do find a common underlying pathway i.e. a primary driver or trigger called the Brains Runaway Stress Response. In simple terms, it’s the flight or fight response we adapt to stressful situations we come across at times. This response has evolved from the earlier ancestors of the human race. It was evolved as a reaction to a predator, physical threat or any form of danger and they reacted with intense physical activity which may go on for a few seconds or minutes and in some extreme cases may go on for an hour and its completely a different behaviour an individual adapts and its completely fine if the mode shuts off when its supposed to. For generations the current generation the shutting off for the stress response goes on for weeks or months and at times even for a year. When the stress response remains on it is very toxic especially to the brain and body of that very individual. It is disruptive to the neural circuit veins in the brain many of us may not have even heard off but this dispersion can directly lead to something commonly known as CLINICAL DEPRESSION. If left unchecked it can actually damage the brain over time leading to inflammatory reaction to body and brain. It is clinically proven that an inflamed brain is a depressed brain.

We have understood about certain common diseases which now are mythically taken as hereditary diseases like Diabetes, Arthritis, Thyroid, Cholesterol, many form of Cancers and currently Clinical Depression is the new commonly heard medical issue. Medical Science categorises them as inflammatory disorders. They are epidemics in the modernised industrial world and can be termed as a lifestyle disease. Speaking of lifestyle comparing our urban culture to a below the poverty line existing in cities lead a very hard life. They have high infant mortality rate, higher exposure to parasitic infection, they do live around modern civilization but not in it they do complain, get angry but they do not turn their stress response mode and do not become clinical depressed as they still live a life based on daily wage format just like non-modern days, Hunter-Gathering method. Modern time life from the industrial revolution onwards is term Industrial Mutated Environment and has been a complete mismatch between the mind, body and gene we were born with the environmental reality. 

Dr.Stephen Ilardi, a professor of clinical psychology defines it as “We were never designed for the sedentary indoor, social isolation, fast-food laden, sleep deprived, chaotic pace of modern life”.

 

If we keep inducing and countering the epidemic with anti-depressant medicine in the system we are not going to fix it. The answer lies in change of lifestyle, I don’t mean to say we should go back hunting and scavenging for food or stop innovating and adapting to modern times. We simply need to practice Lifestyle Change. A minimalistic time daily given by us for us can help fighting the epidemic causing a supressing life and many times a dreadful end to life. We have varied stories of people ending earlier than their actual time. I wish everyone a healthy, beautiful and non-depressive life.

(*Ref:https://www.theweek.in/news/india/2020/09/01/suicide-cases-in-india-ncrb-report.html)

(**Ref:https://www.who.int/teams/mental-health-and-substance-use/suicide-data)

 

EMPATHY : Modern day most powerful Invention

 

Today I write about an experiential learning and realization. A word you came across somewhere although meaning and importance remains undetermined. Working with many organizations with various job functions and reporting to different characters called Managers/Superior/Leader. As I sit back working from home past eight months I started to identify my role and position in the team of every company I have worked in the past and I currently work and I started to all like the jobs I have ever done. All this because I was left with sometime with me during this pandemic. I learnt about EMPATHY.

 

Leaders/ Managers need to have both perspective and empathy. This is typically not practiced anymore because todays leaders/managers strongly believe holding a status and a designation comes with great power of controlling.

 

Theories say “LEADERS DO NOT REALLY NEED TO BE IN-CHARGE. THEY ARE ANTICIPATED FOR TAKING CARE OF THOSE ACTUALLY IN-CHARGE”. The functioning of this designation is really created for people which they do not realize. It begins with we getting our formal education from school, high school (senior secondary schooling) and a Bachelor’s Degree course. Most of us continue to complete a Master’s Degree to get further knowledge and skill set to procure superior job opportunity. As we complete our education that moves us to become an employee of our first job. There we are inducted and given a detailed tour of the office place and culture explaining us the job description. We implement theoretical knowledge we have gained. It is necessary for us to perform and genuinely WE WORK HARD. As we work from days to week, weeks to months, months to a year and we getting at our job we get promoted. Promoted to a designation where you have to direct the position where you began in the organization but no body shows us how to do that. That’s why we have managers or leaders who are really micro managers as they have already done that job are now supposed to lead. There is a literal transition here from learning how to do the job and being responsible for managing people doing that very job. Some people are slow towards accepting the transition where as some are pretty quick and some do not realize this transition. The origin for the designation requires the organization to communicate how to be a Manager/Leader. Leadership is a skill like any other, it is a learnable and a practicable skill. 

 

Like parenting, everyone has the capacity to be a parent. That doesn’t mean everyone should be a parent. Leadership is the same, which means everyone has the capacity to be a leader. That doesn’t mean everyone should be a Leader. It urges you to act when leading and everything goes well you give away all the credit and reversing this if everything goes wrong you take the responsibility and assist mending it. This doesn’t mean you be harsh and pressurize the people who you manage, instead you simply ask them to try again and helping them. You as a manager/leader are also not responsible for the result too. Think of a CEO having business priority as “customers”. They won’t as they are not responsible for the customer they are responsible for the people under them who are again responsible for other people and so on. 

 

Some months back I had been to another city for a meeting and had to check in a hotel. The reason hotels are wonderful is not the fancy beds, any hotel can do that. The experience developed by guests rightly is. Every time I walked pass any hotel employee, they smiled and said “Hello sir, hope you’re stay is pleasurable”. You feel their delight genuinely and not because someone has instructed them. Continuing, I happened walking in their café for cup of coffee. Welcoming me the barista, Harold a friendly and engaging guy and apt for the job. I remember actually giving him a 100% tip for serving me. Talking to him curiously I asked him “so Harold do you like your Job?”, to which he instantly replied “Yes sir, I love my job”. Taking the conversation forward I asked him “what is this hotel company doing to you for you to tell me that you definitely love your job”. Again, promptly Harold replied to me that “not only my manage, anyother manager too coming in the café would ask me about my job, the experience working here and what could that manager can do for him to make it better”. Then he expressed something that got my attention, he added he works in this cafe in the second half of the day and the first half he is a barista at a nearby hotel. He said working there is different, the managers are too authoritarian. He is working there just for his paycheck. Same person working two cafes. 

 

We as leaders are always criticizing our people as we need the right people but the reality is it’s not the people it’s our leadership. It’s as simple as leader creating an environment where people perform that leader gets employees like Harold’s of the in-house cafe in whereas if leader creates a bad environment we will get employees like Harold working for the other hotel. We have become competitive were hiring and firing is natural. Like if some employee is not able to perform the first instinct of the manager is “You are OUT”. This is because we DO NOT PRACTICE EMPATHY.

 

Let’s begin with imagining Case One: Your manager informs you about the performance for the quarter cautioning you it will be difficult for you to continue being on the job. How inspired are to come to work the next day? 

 

Now let’s Imagine Case Two: Your manager informs you about the bad performance for the past quarter and asks about you or anything troubling you. Also asks you to open up as feels worried and would help you. Now how does that feel?

 

This is Empathy, it is about being concerned about the person and not just the output. We all have performance related issues and Mangers can only see performances. Our working flair has changed in the past decade, we are suffering from the business theories left over from 80’s and 90’s. They are bad for people and bad for business now. It worked then not necessarily works now. A decade ago people stood in long ques to make a call and now we have cellphones. That’s innovation and taking a step ahead. 

 

The directives followed currently is similar to a football coach training players making the fans as priority. Will that model make a winning team? We don’t consider the working directives followed from yesteryears outdated and consider them as mantras to success. The model used was appropriate then as they were short on resources and technology. The business environment was very peaceful, supportive and option proof. The world we live today is competitive, monopoly seeking and options are plenty.

Therefore, we work in an environment where our managers repeatedly reminding us that we can be replaced on performance failure. Hence, we are working AFRAID. We are teaching our youngest generation that how can anybody not stand up saying “I Made a Mistake”. The need for a change is to make a person comfortable to be vocal saying “I made a mistake, I screwed up, I didn’t perform well, I am scared”. How will a company excel if people working in it cover up mistakes with something to distract avoiding to speak up that they have made a mistake. 

 

This what empathy exactly is. If a complete generation is troubled and struggling yet constantly failing, maybe the reason is not THEM. The reason for all my failures is no one else but ME. We grow up in an environment around our grandparents or parents or siblings always there to give us empathy. Aren’t we the same born human being as we grow up?

 

I conclude with saying EMPATHY is something a leader extending their support and help need for the people to perform better and the people will return the Managers with expected performances directly boosting the Company’s growth. 

WHY ARE WE UNHAPPY?

I love travelling & I also am a motorcyclist by passion. Living this passion led me to different destinations in India. I happened to come across various individuals suffering who left me shocked. I was not shocked to see them with problems of poverty or disability or being left undiscovered and unheard for relief. I was shocked to see them being CONTENT. Their happiness was confronting every problem I could perceive. Not all of them were as happy but shockingly they were so genuinely satisfied. Ever since I am fascinated about knowing the true means to attain happiness. I have thought about it from both economic and social perspective.

 

What is fascinating is, it’s not just me, you or somebody it adds largely everyone who are bad predictors of happiness. We are wealthier than ever but unhappier than ever, we are prosperous but more depressed and being less satisfied. We have fast means of transport but we have faster means to criticize than before. There are places I have heard have more suicides than homicides and comparatively we have better resources, goods, services, innovation and technology rising exponentially but we don’t see the corresponding change in our happiness and our life satisfaction. Perhaps it is one of the greater PARADOXES of our time. It obviously rises a question to "why are governments and individuals such bad predictors of happiness and why is it that we get it wrong so often". I think it is because we fail to understand the reason behind we often being unhappy. Through research, readings, observation and analysis  I found an explanation far more compulsive and persuasive than others. The explanation isn’t about we getting so many choices making us stressed nor we are economically worst-off in many cases we are better than others. The explanation which is convincing and compulsive is EXPECTATIONS. At a very basic level when our expectations of reality do not match the experiences of our reality, simply expectations and realities do not match that makes us unhappy. The difference is termed as an EXPECTATION GAP. We humans form our expectations on majorly three decision making models & reasoning viz. imagination gap, inter personal gap and inter-temporal gap. 

 

Firstly, the imagination gap is something when imaginations and realities do not match. Like when we travel some place for a vacation or buy a car we do have many options to choose from. We tend to choose the one that we 'think' is going to be the best. So, we maximise our utility at given price of our thinking, that’s how most of us make our decisions. To think otherwise can be the choices we made that we thought wouldn’t be as good. Now the problem is the very decision depending on what we 'THINK' is good, that imagination is the reason that undermines our happiness. The choices we made as per our imaginative expectation has far more possibilities that it will not match the reality leading to disappointment.Primarily we check details on digital platforms on our smartphones or tabs and get fascinated wherein those images have filters or either have been enhanced to make it look attractive. Advancement in technology is one of reasons for our perseverance and imagination.What technology does is distorts reality and makes unreal seem real. When we are the happiest we tend to stubble upon things never expected. We are in a phase were our expectations are rising and realities are crushing them. When you have the technology of persuasion and selection bias it means we imagine, demand and expect more from what reality has to offers us. When the limitless nature of our minds is confined by the nature of earth we are unhappy and disappointed making imagination expectation the first reason for making us unhappy.

Mona Lisa Painting on the left we see as sponsored posts or advertisements on digital platforms
Mona Lisa Painting when we actually spend go to France 

Secondly, the interpersonal gap is when we compare our realities with the realities of others. We judge ourselves depending on what we experience around us. When athletes competing in a Running Race Event, the winner of the race gets a Gold Medal is the happiest, the athlete coming second in or Runners-up gets a Silver Medal is not quite happy lastly the second runner-up getting a Bronze Medal is smiling considering at-least procured a place in the winners stand. Your gain is someone’s pain and your pain is someone gain unfortunately it’s a zero-sum game. Its not just relative income that matters its also relative appearance that sometimes matter as well. One person’s plastic surgery is another person’s psychological loss making it yet another reason for our unhappiness.

 

Finally, the inter-temporal gap is where we compare our past experiences with our present reality. We anchor ourselves to our past and if we are constantly improving, exceeding expectations and constantly moving forward you're generally happy. As parents, often we end up spoiling our children as we give them the best but often the best intensions don’t lead you to the best outcomes. Yes we should support our children and give them everything we can but not to forget if we give them everything it is harder for them to get a positive inter-temporal gradient making it harder for them to improve over time in life and undermines their happiness. Another problem in parents, we tend to repeatedly tell our children about how special, different and unique they are and they will either do better than their parents or anyone more famous/successful like Bill Gates or Britney Spears. We are in turn increasing their expectations and when they start with an average job or fail in the business like most do, they are disappointed and unhappy because their expectations aren’t satisfied. 

 

Happiness is largely determined by expectations and expectations are determined from what we consider as normal. This normal depends on our imagination, things around us and depends on our past. So we have this constant battle between expectations and our reality. We need to self-accept that reality can or cannot have a part of our imagination. In terms of the interpersonal battle we should realize something called as self-development and self-achievements learn to compete with ourselves rather than others. Finally for the intertemporal battle, we should support our kids and give them what we can and also make them realize when its impossible. We should avoid feeding them unrealistic expectations.