INFECTION TO PRICKLY EMOTIONS FROM OTHERS

Something I have experienced many times though didn’t realise then though later observed to realise a super common problem that holds an individual from performing to their potentials, keeping many of us from executing our best. It is the ability to regulate our emotions, depending on how allowing we are to a principle called Emotional Corruption.

Emotional Corruption

It is the pace at which we can influence the emotions of other people and make them as our own. The problem is most of us are highly sensitive to other people's emotions. Task completion or work performance either at work, leisure activity or at home will impact even with the smallest external factor. Although, we can learn how to avoid other people's emotions by becoming better at regulating our own.

The best possible and common experience is the pandemic due to the Novel Coronavirus outbreak. It evolved from Wuhan city in China and soon caused a state of a pandemic, now has a lasting impression figuratively and literally. So much that the method to regulate our emotions and avoid catching the emotions of other people, I will name it the “Viral Effect.” I have summarised that the coronavirus is just like us humans. They can be contagious, and if we are not careful, they can infect us and also claim others around us.

To understand how this processes in real life, it is essential to know what emotions actually are. There's two popular theories about where emotions come from, first theory being the Cognitive Appraisal.

Definition: It is the experience of an emotion we judge where our current situation aligns with our expectations.

Example: Let's consider you are on your way home to disclose your exam results and that you have topped the batch with your mother. You walk through the door, you find her sitting on the couch, but instead of “wha’s the result like?” She leave the room without saying a word. Now, that's not how you expected leading to the emotion of feeling annoyed. This defines Cognitive Appraisal.

The other theory is called Physiological Perception

Definition: The emotions we subconsciously assign to the physical changes in our body.

Example: Public speaking is the perfect example. Most of us usually have a weird feeling right before the talk or speech. Sweaty palms, confusion and moment of panic imagining what if you forget. Considering the last time you spoke you had the same feeling and the speech went well, you may define that sensation as the emotion of excitement. On the other hand say you messed up last time, you may now define that feeling as anxiety or fear. Basically, we overlay our physiological perception from our past experiences onto our current situation.

Moreover, the interesting part in both the theories is how we assess the emotions of other people. A section in the brain that processes emotion and memory called the limbic system is considered to be a non feedback system as it can be influenced by any external factor.

Think about this as passing by someone and without communicating or greeting, you could feel how annoyed or excited that person is? And then maybe you too felt annoyed or excited. It's an interesting concept to think about, because our brain is capable to pick up these subtle cues in our environment, which makes it possible for the other person's emotions to infect your emotional state.

Many people don't realise that every human being is affected by our non feedback system. Many people at work or on the same team inevitably catch feelings from one another. They share everything from jealousy to envy and worry to joy. The more connected they are, the stronger is the sharing of emotions.

Positive Consideration: If the team has a larger target to achieve but the captain regulates his or her emotions by staying grounded and calm, which increases the likelihood that the rest of the team will stay grounded and calm as well.

Negative Consideration: All it takes is for one person on that team to express a negative emotion for the whole thing to fall apart.

Now take a moment and think about how long you have held onto an emotion say irritation, especially after an encounter from a person who is agitated. Was it days? Weeks? Months?

The ideal situation, which improves team and group dynamics as well as individual happiness, is for everyone to control their emotional state by sending back the other person's emotions to them. And research prove that there's two common emotion regulation strategies that can be the best solution.

SOLUTION

The first method to regulate emotions is called Cognitive Reappraisal, where you work to reframe how you interpret the situation in order to regulate your emotions. Countering the first theory of Cognitive Appraisal explained above, you assign definitions to a situation based on your goals and expectations on the outcome. For instance, taking active steps like following social distancing, regularly sanitising hands and wearing a face mask to re-evaluate your outdoor activity in order to avoid being a victim in on-going the pandemic.

Training our brain to reframe is time consuming and needs dedication. This will not be easy as there are hints of truth within each of our thoughts. But if we work consistently on reframing, we shall be able to engage prickly people without being negatively affected by their mood.

The second method to regulate emotion is Acceptance. It is learning to accept a moment for what it actually is and not what you expect it to be. To explain this this, I will use a three-step framework: "OK; so what; now what." By saying "OK," you halt all additional judgment to the person or to the situation. You then allow yourself space to accept your physiological responses and your perception to what's happening. And once you've distanced yourself from your thoughts and your emotional state, then you can say, "so what" because this helps acknowledge what happened purely as an event. And as you transit to "now what" that adds that you have gathered enough information to be able to respond to the event.

Now most people can get to "OK " but struggle to get past "so what" because it can be difficult to detach our physiological perception from the situation. Now here's something essential to be kept in mind, acceptance does not mean that we are OKAY with what happened or that you even want it to continue. It means that we are able to take an aerial shot of the exchange and understand where the prickly spines are and if they're worth attaching to.

Now, both of these strategies are my favourites because they are powerful and effective, especially on the effects that they have on how we approach life and relationships. One study suggests that cognitive reappraisal tends to be associated with more immediate emotional relief in negative situations, whereas acceptance may be better suited for decreasing short-term physiological reactions in unpleasant situations. But the best part? Both of these strategies don't have to be separate practices. Acceptance and cognitive reappraisal can be used interchangeably in order to maintain emotional self-control. The key though to implementing them is to become self-aware when you become emotionally triggered by another person or event. And once you've consciously become aware of either your thoughts, emotions or physical sensations, well then you can practice either technique.

These may be common concepts, but they are definitely not commonly practiced. So by remembering the jumping Viral Effect, it will help you to be more self-aware and self-regulated. And in turn, well, you'll avoid getting pricked by ... a prick.

How Cultures Drive Behaviours

I was in Dubai. I was sitting by the JBR beach front which is one of the most visited public beaches in the city. Suddenly, a man came and sat next to me, and started talking to me, so I turned to him and I answered. Then I turned back and I asked myself, "Why is he talking to me?”. Suddenly, I realised, “Zohaib, you're becoming Indian.” So I turned to the man and I said, "Sorry, I live in a country where we have been guided that we don't speak to strangers.” In India, it is not that people don't speak to strangers or each other at all; though starting a conversation happens in a much more framed and thought over manner. I was not expecting this man as a stranger to come and talk to me. However, because I have spent my early childhood in the Gulf though another country where that type of behaviour is totally normal as there are Arabs and expatriates from various countries crossing each other regularly. However, my mental programming has changed soon after shifting base from Dammam, Saudi Arabia to Mumbai, India. My brain has been rewired, because during the last one and half decade I've lived in a secular country in south of Asia which is called India.

When you move to a different country, there are three ways that you can relate to the culture: you can confront, complain, or conform. When you confront, you strongly believe that your behaviours are the right ones. When you complain, you mostly isolate yourself into social bubbles of foreigners living in social structures with the society. And finally when you confront, you adapt your way to behave to the whole society, then you can truly benefit from diversity. But that implies that you are observing, learning, understanding the behaviours of others and adapting your own to fit yourself in the behaviours of the society you're in.

I was in the east of Saudi Arabia, in a beautiful region of Mecca and I was there with my parents for a pilgrimage. We were visiting the beautiful region where our beloved Prophet Muhammad (peace be upon him) first received revelations and divine messages revealed by angel Gabriel from 609-632 C.E. in a cave on Mount Hira (a.k.a. Jabal an-Nour), near Mecca. After the guided tour, we asked some more questions to the guide as he was explaining us with passion about the importance of the cave and then suddenly he stopped. He took a step to my father he shook him. And then he looked at me and said, "Why is he not interested in what I'm saying?" Because he was not getting the emotional feedback he was used to receive. He was seeing his emotional feedback through his own cultural glasses. The fact that my father had a neutral face on what it would mean if someone from his culture would have that face and that would mean that the person was not interested or didn't want to be there. And we all see the world through cultural glasses.The lens through which your brain sees the world shapes your reality. If you can change the lens, not only can you change the way your brain perceives behaviours, but you can change the way people relate to cultural differences. Embedded within that statement is the key to benefiting from diversity.

Gender equality and women empowerment in India and across the world has been an important consideration from many years now. There are strict reservations for female candidates in education, profession, politics and much more. However, the reason for such consideration is that the governments are putting in place a social culture where women and men are considered with similar authorities and this is equality of result. Everyone do not get similar opportunities to flourish to their complete potential, but the result is that we still have a balance in society. We enforce diversity, and there is a good reason to do this. Cultural diversity increases problem-solving ability. It increases creativity and innovation. The real challenge, to make people being able to communicate well together. And this done majorly through explaining cultural differences. 

Most people around the world are raised with teachings that they will contribute to a group or society and interdependent on their members. This affects the way people behave. Other parts of the world, especially the Western world, children are raised to be independent and to be self-sufficient, and create an independent individual in society, and it changes their behaviours.

The Difference 

The basic principle tells a lot about how we are going to expect a friendship to look like. In Indian culture the friendship is much stronger. People are closely bound and  dependent on each other, invited to every event or celebration which the very good friend will do. However, in other cultures, friendship are distant. On asking a Scandinavian about what a good friend was like they will probably reply "It is someone I can sit in silence in a room and feel comfortable." If you tell this to an Indian, they won't understand what the principle is. This is about friendship, love, and contact with people is one of the six basic human needs. If you're not able to see how this friendship and love is communicated to you because you are blinded by your cultural glasses, you will spend years believing you have no friends. You will spend years believing that people are rejecting you. It is about changing these cultural glasses. This is when you know that an Indian bus stop is full and that you need to stand.

What happens if you sit in the middle?

It could very well be that one of the two persons stands up, takes a step aside, starts playing on his phone. Now, what if you look different? What if you're wearing a religious symbol? How easy it is to believe that the person has moved away because you're of a different skin colour or of a different religion? A typical cultural misunderstanding and a very basic of human interactions: you've came into the personal space of someone who has a much bigger personal space. In most cultures in the world, there's place for 4 people on that bench. Not understanding these very subtle physical differences with people will actually lead to lot of miscommunication. 

It is quite understood and seen prominently in cultures also being able to feel the distance between people which varies in every culture not to forget to keep politeness as priority. Politeness is a concept which is very much culturally related. It's a group of norms and social codes that everyone obeys to, so that communication goes well in the society and in certain societies it is very strict.

You change the way - you're changing the words in the sentence.

In other places, politeness might only mean not to disturb others, to leave more space, both in friendship and physical space. And if you happen to move to another country where there is no one who defines you what politeness means, how can you expect that someone will behave.

The key here is to benefit from diversity.

Everyone sees the world through cultural glasses. It's not about what you see; it's about what you perceive. It's not about what you see; it's about what you perceive. And it is by taking small step that we will one day help the world to truly benefit from diversity.

WILL COMFORT RUIN OUR LIFE?

It was soon after I completed my Masters in Management Studies my internship of the last semester had converted into a full time job by now. I was the marketing and franchise executive to a Fitness Center with a nice salary (some amount of my own), annual bonuses, gym membership with a personal trainer and all the other perks. Everything was on track and on Monday, December 12^th, 2011 at six o’clock in the evening, in a small consultation room on the same floor, the Owner of the Fitness Center wanted to have a quick meeting with me and the sales manager which was pretty unusual since he always communicated with us stopping by the corridor. The meeting turned out to be even more brief than expected. He informed both of us that he has decided to lease the premises with business and asked us to discontinue from the very next day since the new management have hired their staff.

I’ll never forget how his words just sucked the breath right out of me. We left the conference room in a dazed state I went home straight into my bedroom and stared outside the window  for three hours before my dad knocked on the door calling out for dinner. While I could go on in vivid detail about how I felt, what it did to my self-esteem, my finances and so on. What I now realise is while that event created the greatest amount of discomfort I had ever felt, it was that discomfort, the departure from my ordered life that forever changed it for the better. The ordered life was to be stuck to one organisation with good salary and stable with scope of growth something like hat my father was already doing and so were my cousins of my age.

I believe, What Makes You Comfortable Can Ruin You, & The Only Way To Grow Makes You Uncomfortable.

Now I suppose on January 11th had somebody come up and said “Hey, getting fired is a good thing because now you’re really going to grow!” I probably would have punched them on their face. But pretty quickly I became motivated to start a new journey. And after a couple years off work with various other organisation in different job roles and finally to my current stress and pain management business. My partner and I had this realisation on how to illustrate and apply the science of discomfort and growth.

From the knowledge and the learnings from various modalities we practice we understood the the concept of "The Growth Rings”.

The Growth Rings represent living environments that promote or obstruct growth including everything right from your place of work, to even the safest environment called home.Consider the fish bowl and the size of a gold fish in its environment, and while the goldfish lives in a very safe environment it is also very limiting in every way. When placed in a more sturdy environment, a small pond.  This can result the fish could be eaten. This is us  -  the environments in which you work, live and play all are a proven fish bowl that dictates our growth. 

The First Growth Ring represents a low performing, low growth environment called Stagnation. Stagnation is understood by having to follow too many steps, permissions and details that choke creativity, independent thought and action. To imagine an environment such as this, think no further than our culture, family name & heritage driven family homes. Now the reverse of stagnation is chaos, also low growth and low performing, chaos can be caused by internal or external events or conditions. We see chaos occur at times in business mergers, natural disasters, and horrific events like 26/11. Chaos is having zero predictability or control over inputs and outcomes. 

Now the Growth Rings next to Stagnation is the most desirable environment. Knowing what to do or what is happening in the environment leads to a predictable outcome, and in predictability comfort is found. But comfort, is also what makes it so dangerous, because observation shows that any time you continually do something or even think about something the same way, you will eventually stop growing where this applies to every living thing . So, before you continue to limit the way you think and act, remember Growth ONLY occurs in a state of discomfort.

Now think about the power of the statement can absolutely state I wouldn’t be writing blogs today without my uncomfortable and disrupting day nine years ago. When you feel the discomfort, that means you’ve entered  the second ring.

Complexity the second ring is nothing more than change, but when your changed outcomes are no longer predictable, and it is the unpredictability that makes you uncomfortable. While most times our gut response to discomfort is not just “no”, but “never ever would I”, you can actually learn how empowering it is to consciously acknowledge discomfort. I know seeking discomfort sounds odd, but we have to learn to embrace it, because it’s the only environment where sustained growth can occur. To weave high growth complexity into the fabric of our lives, there are three primary ways it can be triggered:

Complexity trigger 1  -  It can be forced on you

When I got terminated I didn’t have a chance to stay in that state. Complexity was selected for me, and when this happens how much you grow depends on how you respond to it. Now, I could have remained angry and used it as an excuse, but learnt I am bad as an employee, and I’m much better off accepting the risks of running my own organisation.

Complexity trigger 2  -  Someone can help you get there

This is the role of parents, teachers, coaches and bosses, because left on their own people will consciously or subconsciously select the comfort and they then need to be pushed into complexity in order to continue growing. This is where critical developmental decisions are made. Because, if the parents, teacher, coaches or bosses would have intervened and would have wanted to know what is making us so uncomfortable, then they would have done everything they could to try to get us happy again. What these roles mentioned earlier would have had was removing the complexity. Well, the best part is everyone can trigger complexity at any time.

Complexity trigger 3  -  Trigger it yourself

It is the complexity of forcing people, communities or other larger authorities into discomfort, and the subsequent impact that can occur any time someone elects to move from the set possibility. So, it’s not the discomfort of losing a job but it’s set possibility you should fear the most for it is a threat.  

Concluding I would say the possibility disrupting people like Mahatma Gandhi, Bhagat Singh, Indira Gandhi, Ratan Tata and maybe even a few of us have already proven that it is not the complexity triggering individuals or events we should scared. It’s our own willingness to accept or seek discomfort that will demand the growth of not only you, but the entire world consisting people we are linked to directly or indirectly. 

As we all know the emeritus Chairman to Tata Sons and Tata Group Ratan Tata has been possibility disrupter of our time. From manufacturing and launching automobiles in India to outright purchase of Jaguar & Land Rover. In his early days completing studies in United States of America he had no plans coming back to India and join Tata Steel. He had been hired and working at IBM Computers for fifteen days until one day when his great grand-father J.R.D. Tata called him and spoke to him on the importance of working in their family business. Leading Ratan Tata coming to India and start working on the shop floors of Tata Steel. Today, Ratan Tata is an Industrialist, Philanthropist, Investor and is the most influential Business magnate India has ever seen. Think what if he would have either stayed back in the United States continuing his job or stayed back home while others ran Tata Sons and Tata Group?

Sitting on a comfortable spot can cost us possibilities of growth and later on in life we are left with regrets and complain about not being offered or picking chances that came into our lives before. So get up, quit your comfort and break the stereo type of set possibilities choose growth over mimicking or following someone’s life. The stories of people we have either read, seen or heard have played their part in their time. The phase we stay in is our time to shine. We shine as bright as them in our era.

Don’t Believe Everything you think !!

 

The elephant has incredible strength. It can uproot a tree with its trunk alone. Yet it will remain in captivity, held only with a light rope. Despite its ability to easily break away, it doesn’t even try.

Why?

It starts when the elephant is young. It is first tied down when its small and not yet strong enough to break the rope. It will try initially as hard as it can to break free, and keep trying but eventually realise it won’t be possible. Suddenly, something attaches itself to that elephant stronger than any rope or chain or fence. It’s the belief that it can’t break free. It’s this belief that holds it back despite the strength and ability. I’ve had these same beliefs and I know you may have too, beliefs that held me back, beliefs that led me to feel unfulfilled in my work, to struggle in my relationships and to live a life that was far from the one I am living now. It was only when I became aware of my ropes and actively pulled against them that I found myself in a different reality.

HOW DO YOU BREAK THE ROPES THAT TIE YOU DOWN?

Don’t believe everything you think.

In my teen days, I was bold, outgoing and fearless. I wore message tees that I liked wearing then or it can be phrased as I didn’t wear guided clothes, guided by my self thoughts that told me what would make me happy. I even had a crush and later dated her briefly. As with everything else, I wasn’t afraid to flaunt what I wanted on life. As I grew older, this ‘me’ started to fade. My liveliness was replaced with cowardice, my resistance with obedience, my boldness with fear. I don’t think any of us leave childhood without some ropes despite our parents best intentions. I grew up with parents who were determined to give me the perfect life. Armed with love and good intentions, they are still doing everything for me to help me be perfect. Right from packing my suitcase for the school trip perfectly, extended help in a school project, and then dad would add his master strokes to make it better. Later he told me when my choice of friend or gang of friends weren’t worth it. Although they just wanted what was best for me, I stopped knowing what was best for me. An unconscious rope was formed. I shouldn’t trust my own chatter box of thoughts and my own ability, and I feared not being perfect. Other ropes attached themselves too. As I grew up the family started to fill up with yelling, loud voices and strong opinions. To keep the peace, I learned to stay quiet, and started to keep a low profile like being invisible at home . In school/college, I experienced and learnt that it’s more important to blend in than stand out. And the pain of being dumped cluelessly led me to hold back in my relationship so I could avoid getting hurt. 

I’m not good enough | Don’t speak up | Don’t stand out | Fear from rejection .These were my ropes.

If you’ve ever felt not good enough, lonesome, unwanted, unloved, invisible, powerless, like you don’t belong, you can’t trust yourself, trust others, speak up, stand out, ask for help, let others in, be accepted as you are — these are your ropes. These ropes hold us back.

I found myself agreeing to others opinions when I should have been forming my own, staying quiet when it would have benefited me to be vocal and blending in when I would have been happier where I had to stand out. This led me into a series of jobs that ranged from tolerable to being miserable. In one, I hoped I’d get sick so I could stay home from work. It led me into a series of relationships where I lacked conviction.  My beliefs affected the way I perceived the world, which changed how I reacted, which led to a self-fulfilling imagery. I felt small, and my world became smaller.

Post my motorcycle accident back in 2015 I was left with a third degree fracture on my leg and the broken zygoma (cheekbone) leading to diplopia and a visible squint the right eye. I had my reasons to not look at people I had conversations with forcing people to believe either lack confidence or I am arrogant and mannerless. Recently I understood what could have been a perfectly normal conversation instead became an awkward one. You see now what we believe has powerful effects. Decades of social psychology research backs this up.  How you see yourself and your circumstances will affect your observation, reaction and what materialise as a result. It’s almost as if our beliefs play a virtual to reality gaming device, a device that allows us to see things that aren’t really there and sends us into a false reality. I remember reading on of Shahrukh Khan’s interviews where he says 

“The best way to be, particularly in today’s world where everybody is telling you how you should be or shouldn’t be. My mom wanted me to become an actor but three-hour people from Mumbai whom we knew well told her I’d never make it because I was’t good looking enough. She was hurt but it didn’t bother me because all I wanted to do was to act and I assured her “main kaam karma rehunga” and thirty years later, I am a poster boy!” 

Imagine dating someone for a weeks. Then the person have to go on a work trip. For four days don’t hear a word from your partner. How would you interpret this? What will be the first thought in your head? Your beliefs may lead you to wonder what you must have done or said to make this once enthusiastic person change approach towards you.

Let me share some pre-set thoughts:

• Trust issue : “ Was sure he/she was on this trip with another woman/man.

• Fear of rejection : “ Guess he/she was probably upset because I didn’t invite him/her as my date to an upcoming event.

• Commitment issue : “ He/She probably thought we were moving too fast and was taking some space.

Each thought gauged the situation through the gaming device in your heads . Each of these assumption leads to a different response. 

• Moving too fast? — I should pull back but what if the person feels rejected.

• Feeling rejected? — I should up my calls and invite him to the event. But what if the person thinks we’re moving too fast.

As this ping-pong around your own thoughts and briefly borrowed thoughts from some friends, the relationship shall  die a slow death. Sometimes our thoughts get in the way of our relationships. Just as beliefs can hold us back, they can even propel us forward.

I finally learned this lesson. My thoughts led me to Engineering College. There my beliefs were reinforced: aim for perfection, follow the crowd, fear failure. This was a familiar path. Post my bachelors degree, without thinking much about it, I took admission for Masters Program in Business Management with the promise that MMS shall unleash my creative potentials and adding more value to my resume. To my surprise I had to study economics, accounts, business laws and scarier was to make presentations leading to pull on almost all my ropes. I had to trust my own voice because when it comes to presentation, there is by definition to speak with confidence and self belief. I had to put myself out there because making presentations do not out perform competition from playing it safe. And perhaps most importantly, I had to be willing to fail, and to not be perfect. If I wanted to get it right, I first had to be willing to get it wrong.

In my first bold move since my toddler days, I turned down to work under someone reporting and placed myself in a different reality. I experimented with different jobs and took on various freelance projects, opting to ones I previously would have rejected to due to lack of experience, trusting I could figure it out. But somewhere I was still afraid of failing and sometimes I did. I made sure my thoughts don’t stop me. Then one day, I decided to lend my marketing and business development skills to my therapist and I went on to becoming a Business Partner, helping individuals take charge on their emotions and pull them out form their limiting beliefs.

Particularly meaningful for me is now I get to give others what I missed out for so long — a more powerful medium to express and educate. I broke other ropes too.

When I was afraid of rejection and lived my life as expected, I never could have imagined revealing my insecurities to you on a website that at first is solely my idea, web design and writings. That would have sounded more like I am living the life of a famous Bollywood actor, a fancy dream and here I am writing a blog with my observations and experiences. This transition wasn’t easy or quick as it sounds. Each new thought, each new action built on the one before it until I found myself in a new reality. I still have ropes I’m working to break. 

In a world before falling and staying down now we can and should opt to get back up again undisturbed. In a world in which nothing is holding us back from our full capacity. What the Business Management course was for me, a seed that gets you to question what you have previously accepted as true, that makes you more aware of your ropes, that helps you see they were always your choice to break. No matter who you are or where you are, in this moment reading my blog, there is the life that you can be living if you break your ropes. You get there one new thought at a time, one new action at a time until one day, you find yourself in a new reality. Wishing you courage and strength to break the ropes you are held with I concluded with my experience “I shouldn’t believe everything I think”. To get the switch ‘OFF’ to my thoughts, I simply had to realise I had ropes that hold me back. Ropes broken. New beliefs lead to new actions. All the very best!!