MONEY, a cultural taboo!!

 

We've heard people say that there is only one path to success and happiness. Going to school, getting good grades, getting into a good college, graduating to get a job, finding your partner, getting promoted, buying a car, a home and one day you will be happy. Like everyone I too am following that path and through all the trials and tribulations the financial disasters and successes. I realised that discussion about life milestones was actually a discussion about money. So, why is it that we talk religiously about achieving all these in life, avoiding the topic that runs it - M.O.N.E.Y. The reason behind why are we taught history and chemistry but not about Banking and investments. The topic of money impacting our abilities to have the best of lives is avoided. We are indirectly having these conversations about money already by the clothes we wear, the cars we drive, the homes we live in and the photos we share on social media ! #just_saying 

Financial knowledge is life-changing and has empowered me to get from where I was to where I am today. Let’s understand and break the social taboo about money beginning with asking ourselves “WHAT IS MONEY TO US?”. Most of us have answers as common to:

1) Money is power 

2) Money is evil 

3) Money makes me feel good 

4) Money is something that is necessary 

The answer to that question explains  your relationship with money . Eliminating that any of those answers are wrong but simply money is a tool we need and we need to master earning it.  In order for us to achieve our best lives, we do not think of money as something more than a tool. But a tool that we need in order to build the life we dreamt of.The life that would make us proud so making us assume that money is a very complicated topic. Though there are simple truths about money which we fail to see, understand and imply in our lives. Here are five practices: 

1. Save more than you can spend. 

2. Invest early and frequently. 

3. Pay the debt and use credit occasionally. 

4. Build assets 

5. Have multiple and passive incomes. 

SIMPLE & EASY !

Financial Well Being 

Money, well being and financial wellness is something that empowers every individual. It sparks the curiosity when it funnels down to a fairly misunderstood concept that it's boring or it's not engaging enough. Everyone of us has either bought our friends a drink or split it. We tend to split the bill to a limit  where we had a salad and the friend had an appetiser wit dessert for dinner. The philosophy of purposeful living can be achieved through financial decision making. Financial wellness is about our health, wealth and the overall quality of life. It is has never been financial goals on the contrary it is about life goals. Let’s close our eyes, envision our dream lifestyle and ask ourselves: “What brings joy and happiness into my life?” 

We start thinking about our current financial realities - monthly instalments to the car, calling debtors, need of taking care of our ageing parents and their health care expenses. The chances are having thoughts about our financial situation but unable to think about the dream lifestyle. If there were no income goals or financial obligations how we spend our time defines our values and we trade our time for a pay check. We work 8 hours a day and five days a week for it ignoring the truth of loosing on something more priceless being our lives. The thought of expenses that do not matter to us makes it a complete waste. Therefore, what a waste of lives.

 How we knew everything about money?

1. Our parents must have taken out time and explained us through their learnings and definitions about money.

2. We are fortunate enough to take birth in a wealthy family.

It was easier for my parents to talk about religion, politics, career options and future responsibilities. Parents are hard-working, they make sure that we as their children have the best of food, shelter and clothes to wear whereas, they did not want us to think about money terming it as an offence. I still remember the day of my first pay check ,I held it in my hand and stared at it thinking I had my own money and I didn't have to go to my parents asking them.  Growing up I believed that money is the only answer to all problems leading me chasing money instead of chasing the purpose of life. I cleared entrance exams for admission and that followed an internship leading to multiple jobs. Motive was to stay happy one day!

With the past and present I had many unspoken realities, I started blogging. My family always wanted to know my plan for life because the goal is to provide access and information, to be open about my story. After spending years meeting people, jobs, failures and experiences I realised that the secrets of financial wellness and well-being is having a VISION for our lives. That vision can change our hopes and dreams. In our thoughts it is important when we are talking about money we need to clarify our values. We need a financial plan in order to do so.

I want to close off by mentioning that one Sunday Morning rides, we had been to a place nearby called the fog city, Igatpuri. It is indeed a beautiful place and I remember standing there staring out into the mountain range and seeing the morning dew. I was completely fascinated like I can be here forever. Well until that moment of mine was disrupted when two ridding pals said this is the same thing over and over again. As we were about to leave, I realised that we could be listening, watching or experiencing a repetitive or similar expression directly depends on how we perceive it. For the matter of fact, how we perceive that can be quite different. My learnings for that day was “Our perception is what matters and we can change our perspectives. When it comes to money we clear about our financial situation. As we accept that reality we start sharing our financial stories of success and failure.We give hope out to others where hope is hearing other people's experiences. Our ability to share the information or experiences to others empowers individuals. Now is when they realise that their situation is not something without a solution. I challenge you today to break the social taboo about money, free yourself from any shame, guilt or judgment you have had about your finances. Give hope to others and to yourself too. Believe that knowledge is power and financial knowledge is life-changing. This realisation mere understanding will make you happy that very moment. 

Could You Live Without a Smartphone?

People off-late are busy with their mobile phones walking on the street, crossing the road or travelling on public transport to their offices and often see people bumping into each other or stumbling over objects on the road. Does it happen to you to text, phone, check your Facebook timeline or maybe catch a Candy Crush while you’re walking?  How many of these times do you actually have to go online? Well, we check our devices, about 221 times per day according to a research or about every 4.3 minutes of the time we don’t sleep.

Well, we live in an economy based on distraction. The more web pages we browse through more brand advertisements can pop up, and so the more money ad space companies can make. Their success metrics are based around how much time we spend using their app, or we were on their website, not on how productive or focused we are. Two years ago, around the same time of the year, I decided to give up my smartphone, and replace it with a very basic phone just for incoming and outgoing calls. At the time, I was working in a senior position in digital marketing agency, which means that I was connected pretty much 24/7. I slept with my phone, I kept checking it all the time, and even felt it vibrating in my pocket or I hear any mobile phone ringing to check if mine is ringing. At times forgetting the fact I was out with family or the person I wish to spend the most of my time with. Giving up my smartphone was one of the best decisions that I have ever made. And today, I want to share with you my key learnings from the journey of taking back control over my time and my life. But, before we do that let me give you all a little challenge.

THE CHALLENGE: 

Given that we check our devices about every 4.3 minutes, this means that you will feel an urge to check your device three or four times during my talk. So, I want to challenge you to resist this urge and count how many times you will succeed in doing that.

LESSONS LEARNT:

ONE : You are more addicted to your device than you think. But you’re also much more resourceful. Now, increasing the time limit we go for 5 minutes without our devices?

A psychologist, David Greenfield, says “the Internet is like a slot machine: you never know what you’re going to find inside”. And this variability of the reward releases dopamine, the neurohormone of pleasure and anticipation of the reward. The problem with dopamine is that excessive stimulation of your brain that is caused by dopamine creates addiction. This is exactly how drugs work. They first make you feel excited, but then you have to go back and take a new dose, to have the same feeling. So devices use the same principles. You never know what you’re going to expect in your message, mailbox or on social media, right? One day you post a picture or a status getting a “Like” and then the next day it increases to 50 “Likes.” WOW! You fee l great. That’s Dopamine release. But then the excitement fades pretty quickly, and you need to go back to your device to feel good again. 

Technology is purposefully designed the way to make us use it over and over again. We also feel dependent on our gadgets, because we have outsourced too many important functions to them. Did you go on Google Maps or any other kind of online maps, and look up your way even though you kind of knew how to get there? This is exactly what I mean, we easily get into the habit of not trusting ourselves. Well, I discovered it’s not actually very easy to get lost in Mumbai. There are walking maps all around. And all I needed to do was to ask my way once before I start. I realise that I have outsourced to technology too many things that were important to me, that made me human, like my sense of orientation and direction, my memories of spaces and certain events, and it felt great to gain them back.

All I wanted, when I was giving up my smartphone, was to have a little bit more clarity in my brain and not to feel so overwhelmed. And what I unexpectedly gained was a feeling that I will find my way no matter what both physically and metaphorically. And, of course, a great chat up with strangers to make new connections. 

TWO : If you want to change your digital habits, do not rely on your willpower. Instead, create structures around you to support you in that.

Our brain is very lazy. So when we repeat a certain action over and over again, it starts organising our brain cells, neurones, into particular chains so that it is easier to pass the information through those chains. This makes our behaviour automatic and unconscious. And this is exactly what notifications do. They prompt us to come back to our device over and over again, up until our behaviour becomes automatic and unconscious. According to a report, 87% of Android users and 48% of iOS users opt in for receiving app notifications on their devices. In other words, all these people allow their devices to decide how they will behave. Once these chains are formed, it takes quite a long time and effort to undo them, and relying on your willpower doesn’t help.

For the first time, when it took me five months from the decision of giving up my smartphone to actually doing it. And for the second time, when after about a year of not owning any smartphone I got one back, which I thought, I would only use as a spare device, in case my laptop breaks down and I need to talk to clients over Skype. I certainly learned it twice.  And in no time, I found myself using it all the time. The neural path was still there. Now, it felt incredibly embarrassing, because at the time I was already an example of digital detox and I obviously was not walking my talk, but it also gave me great insights into the real challenges that people who do not want to give up their devices altogether face. So I developed four principles that helped me take back control over my time and my life, and I want to share those principles and these are: time management, space management, relationship management, and self-management. These principles help re-establish the boundaries that technology removes between our work and private lives, or between our public and private lives. So, explaining about them further in detail.

1)Time management:

We need to give up on the idea that we have to be connected or accessible 24/7.  Now of course that everything is very important, the truth being very few things really are. Remember, it is your attention that is a real scarcity in the age of information technology. It is something like with food, you can have all the food you desire to have in your fridge, but this does not mean that you need to eat it all and all at once. So my top tip is to disable all notifications on your devices, use delayed email function to avoid being distracted by emails, and use blocking apps to make sure that you’re accessing certain websites only at a certain time and not being distracted by them at other times. This way, you are in charge of where you’re getting information, as opposed to being dictated by technology. And to give an example, Ratan Tata, who is Ex Chairman of Tata Group and Tata Sons, has been using his smartphone as a gaming device as a source of entertainment. And, believe me, he’s a much busier guy than most of us.  Also, do not multitask online. So, do not switch between different tabs or between different devices. An experiment proves that the more we multitask, the worse we become at it, we unlearn our brain to do that. Well, you will still likely get distracted, but you can plan for it. So incorporate five minutes of distraction time every now and then in your work routine, but only after you’re done with a chunk of work and as a reward only. Again, this way, you are taking back control over your time.

2)Space management:

Space management is all about where you want to have connection, and where you want to have silence.

Have you ever thought 

⁃ Why the most expensive areas in the city are usually the quietest ones?

⁃ Why is it that, in airport business lounges, there is hardly any sound or music or advertising?

⁃ Why is silence valued so highly? 

Well, this is because it’s only in silence that our brain gets an opportunity to process information that we have been feeding into it. We cannot take good conscious decisions or be creative if we are overwhelmed. And we are always overwhelmed when we go online, because our brain is not good at multitasking. So, do not bring the devices into the areas where you process information, where you have rest. This includes your bedroom and your dining table. Your device is just a tool. It is not part of you. As any tool, your devices need their own places.

3) Relationship management:

When I was still working for an advertising agency, we had a client who kept sending us hundreds and hundreds of emails daily to make sure that we’re on the track of delivering the project. In fact, it was his emails that kept us away from doing the work, because all we were doing was just reading and answering them. So, we have built a job timeline that allowed us to show to the client the progress we’re making in real time without any involvement. In a week’s time, the email rate dropped so considerably that we were finally able to get the work done. We still don’t have a digital etiquette as to how people can best contact you, so you can get an equally important message via WhatsApp, Skype, email, you name it. The moral is you need to heavily manage people’s expectations as to how they can contact you. For example, before I meet somebody, I ask them to send me a text message if anything changes. Because I don’t have Internet on my phone. And it works really well. What do you do, however, if you work for a company that expects you to be connected and on top of everything for 24/7?

Well, first things first, stop contributing to this mess by cc’ing everyone.If you want to receive fewer emails, send fewer emails. Second, you might want to mention a few statistics to your colleagues and bosses.

If this doesn’t help, then you can try moving to a different country, like France and Brazil where they have now the so-called rights to disconnect laws, where that, among other things, regulate whether the person has the right not to read work-related emails after the working hours.

4) Self Management:

Self-management is the last cornerstone of changing your digital behaviour, and the most tricky part. Because it does not help, it doesn’t work, if you prohibit yourself from going online. Because your brain still needs the excitement of dopamine.

So, instead, you need to be thinking about where you will take this dopamine from? What will you do with all this free time that all of a sudden you will have available? And this is where I want to share with you my last key learning, and why I think I failed for so long to give up my smartphone. I just did not want to deal with my own problems. When you don’t have anything that distracts you, then you will have to start dealing with the stuff you have been running away from. We often go online not because we need to, but because we have some internal trigger to do that. Maybe we want to feel Important, or maybe we are depressed. In fact, a study says that people who spent a lot of time online tend to be depressed. So, the next time you feel an urge to check your device, ask yourself: What is really triggering me to do that? Is there something I’m trying to avoid feeling or thinking about?

Once you get a life, and a natural source of dopamine, you won’t need anything to distract yourselves from yourselves. Lets pledge to value ourselves, the time we have, people we are surrounded with and the special someone who constantly feels neglected just because of your presence they may choose not to be vocal.

Perfectionism: Opportunity with Obstacle or Obstacle in Opportunity

 

I'm a bit of a perfectionist. Now, how many times have you heard someone saying this? A social get together, maybe, with friends, or perhaps with family at festive days. It's everyone's favourite defect, it's that now quite common response to the difficult, final question at job interviews: "My biggest weakness? That's my perfectionism." You see, for something that apparently holds us back, it's quite remarkable how many of us are quite happy to hold our hands up and say we're perfectionists. But there's an interesting and serious point because our complaining wonder for perfection is so pervasive that we never really stop to question that concept in its own terms. 

 

What does it say about us and our society that there is a kind of celebration in perfection? 

We tend to hold perfectionism up as a badge of worth. The emblem of the successful. Yet, in understanding perfectionism, its has seen limited evidence that perfectionists are more successful. Quite the contrary, they feel unhappy and dissatisfied amid a slow sense that they're never quite perfect enough. We know from reports that perfectionism conceals a host of psychological difficulties, including things like depression, anxiety and even suicidal thoughts. And what's more worrying is that over the last 25 years, we have seen perfectionism rise at an alarming rate. And at the same time, we have seen more mental illness among young people than ever before. Rates of suicide in the India alone increased by 25 percent across the last two decades. 

 

Young people today are more preoccupied with the completion of the perfect life and lifestyle. In terms of their image, status and wealth. Young people borrow more heavily than did older generations, and they spend a much greater proportion of their income on image goods and status possessions. These possessions, their lives and their lifestyles are now displayed in vivid detail on the global social media platforms of Instagram, Facebook, Snapchat. In this new visual culture, the appearance of perfection is far more important than the reality. 

 

If one side of the modern landscape that we have so abundantly furnished for young people is this idea that there's a perfectible life and that there's a perfectible lifestyle, then the other is surely work. Nothing is out of reach for those who want it badly enough. Opportunity, the self-made person, hard work. The notion that hard work always pays off. And above all, the idea that we're captains of our own destiny. These ideas, they connect our wealth, our status and our image with our innate, personal value where it is a complete fiction. Because even if there were equality of opportunity, the idea that we are captains of our own destiny disguises a blunt truth for young people that they are subject to an almost ongoing economic trial. Metrics and rankings have emerged as the benchmarks for which merit can be quantified and used to sort young people into schools, classes and colleges. 

 

Education is the first arena where measurement is so publicly played out and where metrics are being used as a tool to improve standards and performance which starts young. No wonder young people report a strong need to strive, perform and achieve at the centre of modern life. They've been conditioned to define themselves in the strict and narrow terms of grades, percentiles and lead tables. 

·  This is a society that preys on their insecurities about how they are performing and how they are appearing to other people. 

·  This is a society that amplifies their imperfections. 

Every flaw, every unforeseen setback increases a need to perform more perfectly next time, or else, bluntly, you're a failure. That feeling of being flawed and deficient is especially penetrative; just talk to young people. 

 

"How should I look; how should I behave?" "I should look like that model, I should have as many followers as that Instagram influencer, I must do better in school." 

 

In many young people these lived effects of perfectionism first hand. And one student sticks out in my mind very vividly. Mayank, not his real name, was ambitious, hardworking and diligent and on the surface, he was exceptionally high-achieving, often getting first-class grades for his work. Yet, no matter how well Mayank achieved, he always seemed to recast his successes as horrible failures, and he would talk openly about how he'd let himself and others down. Mayank’s justification was quite simple: How could he be a success when he was trying so much harder than other people just to attain the same outcomes? 

 

See, Mayank's perfectionism, was only serving to expose what he saw as his inner weakness to himself and to others. Cases like Mayank's speak to the harmfulness of perfectionism as a way of being in the world. Contrary to popular belief, perfectionism is never about perfecting things or perfecting tasks. It's not about striving for excellence. Mayank's case highlights this intensely. At its root, perfectionism is about perfecting the imperfect self.

 

And you can consider it like a mountain of achievement that perfectionism leads us to imagine ourselves scaling. And we think to ourselves, "Once I've reached that peak, then people will see I'm not flawed, and I'll be worth something." But something perfectionism doesn't tell us is that soon after reaching that peak, we will be called down again to the fresh lowlands of insecurity and shame, just to try and scale that peak again. This is the cycle of self-defeat. In the pursuit of unattainable perfection, a perfectionist just cannot step off. And it's why it's so difficult to treat. 

 

Now, we've known for ages that perfectionism contributes to a host of psychological problems, but there was never a good way to measure it. Until now, the first is self-oriented perfectionism, the irrational desire to be perfect: "I strive to be as perfect as I can be." The second is socially prescribed perfectionism, the sense that the social environment is excessively demanding: "I feel that others are too demanding of me." And the third is other-oriented perfectionism, the imposition of unrealistic standards on other people: "If I ask somebody to do something, I expect it to be done perfectly." 

 

Now, research shows that all three elements of perfectionism associate with compromised mental health, including things like increased depression, increased anxiety and suicide thoughts. But the most problematic element of perfectionism is socially prescribed perfectionism. That sense that everyone expects me to be perfect. This element of perfectionism has a large correlation with serious mental illness. And with today's emphasis on perfection at the forefront of my mind, I was curious to see whether these elements of perfectionism were changing. 

 

To date, research in this area is focused on immediate family relations. All three elements of perfectionism have increased over time. But socially prescribed perfectionism saw the largest increase, and by far. Remember, this is the element of perfectionism that has the largest correlation with serious mental illness, and that's for good reason. Socially prescribed perfectionists feel a compelled need to meet the expectations of other people. And even if they do meet yesterday's expectation of perfection, they then raise the bar on themselves to an even higher degree because these folks believe that the better they do, the better that they're expected to do. This breeds a profound sense of helplessness and, worse, hopelessness. 

 

But is there hope? 

Of course, there's hope. Perfectionists can and should hold on to certain things they are typically bright, ambitious, conscientious and hardworking. But a little bit of self-compassion, going easy on ourselves when things don't go well, can turn those qualities into greater personal peace and success. And then there's what we can do as supporters. 

Perfectionism develops in our formative years, and so young people are more vulnerable. Parents can help their children by supporting them unconditionally when they've tried but failed. Mom and Dad can resist their understandable urge in today's highly competitive society to helicopter-parent, as a lot of anxiety is communicated when parents take on their kids' successes and failures as their own. 

 

But ultimately, the research raises important questions about how we are structuring society and whether our society's heavy emphasis on competition, evaluation and testing is benefiting young people. It's become every day for public figures to say that young people just need a little bit more strength in the face of these new and exceptional pressures. But I believe that is us washing our hands of the core issue because we have a shared responsibility to create a society and a culture in which young people need less perfection in the first place. Creating that kind of world is an enormous challenge, and for a generation of young people that live their lives in the 24/7 spotlight of metrics, achievements and social media, perfectionism is inevitable, so long as they lack any purpose in life greater than how they are appearing or how they are performing to other people. 

 

What can they do about it? 

Every time they are knocked down from that benchmark, they see no other option but to try scaling that peak again. So long as we teach young people that there is nothing more real or meaningful in their lives than this hopeless quest for perfection, then we are going to condemn future generations to that same futility and despair. And so we're left with a question. When are we going to appreciate that there is something fundamentally inhuman about limitless perfection? No one is flawless. If we want to help our young people escape the trap of perfectionism, then we will teach them that in a chaotic world, life will often defeat us, but that's OKAY. Failure is not weakness. If we want to help our young people outgrow this self-defeating snare of impossible perfection, then we will raise them in a society that has outgrown that very same delusion. But most of all, if we want our young people to enjoy mental, emotional and psychological health, then we will invite them to celebrate the joys and the beauties of imperfection as a normal and natural part of everyday living and loving. 

AN INFECTION FORM REJECTION

There is an epidemic that has invaded the environment of every one of us. It is often undetected, undiagnosed and underestimated. It is AN INFECTION FROM REJECTION. There are many who will not agree to the epidemic overlooking the fact that it is universal & unavoidable. No matter who you are, how much have you accomplished unenviably have to deal with the reality of rejection. It is not hidden any more that every Perfect Person who has walked on the face of Earth has not dealt with rejection. Successful Businessmen, Political Leaders and Idolised Personalities in the alive or dead long back in history. They have always felt|did|said what was needed and have treated people the way they were supposed to be treated reciprocating to which people have rejected them sometime or the other. If these people have faced rejection then there are no other logical reasons that everyone of us are dealing with rejection too. 

Denied a job or promotion, broken up or failed to impress a prospect life partner,  not making it to the college/school football team or stated not eligible for a  scholarship. These are some commonly at general spaces everyone has currently or earlier has faced. Rejection is a refusal from someone else's part to show acceptance. People may sometimes accept you for the person you are and reject you for the person you aren't. In case of hiring sales executives, companies seek self-motivated and energetic personalities and avoid hiring people who are constantly seeking guidance. 

'Rejection' has its roots in Latin meaning 'to throw backwards', appropriately used to put us back by pulling us down to reach our potentials and change/improve our realities of life. Rejection is a very effective weapon to wound the SOUL and shatter SELF-CONFIDENCE. The wound of rejection is not visible but it bleeds internally making it an undetected haemorrhage of emotions growing inside. The wounds may self-heal but infections do not. Infection from rejection don’t show up in form of puss like usual infections do but they show up in personalities. 

Carrying a bad attitude, being careless, being emotionless, being dismissive, refusal for acceptance, people pleasing tendency and the purpose dependent on someone else’s pleasure is not rejection it is AN INFECTION FROM REJECTION. 

The inclination to be a saviour and take all responsibilities of saving the day for every single person by virtue of over committing or over extending yourself under the pressure or just expectations and finally helping people who don’t even want to help themselves is not  just rejection it is AN INFECTION FROM REJECTION. 

Similarly, the apprehensiveness that doesn't allow you to use the knowledge,  talent and potentials are not personality traits but they are a stimulus reaction to AN INFECTION FROM REJECTION.

 

We mostly do not care about everybody's perseverance about us but it hurts when rejection comes from the people we value the most. Just because someone seems to be quiet doesn’t mean she/he is not injured and considering them not gifted with unique strengths. Some people can be annoyed, affected and on the other hand being so dysfunctional, competitive, jealous and manipulative. Simply because they are confused subjecting them to an abusive situation and tolerating it as well because they can not live without being needed. We realise getting abused but we accept it as we don’t want to lose them as they are so important to us. We develop something known as  SELECTIVE CONFLICT AVOIDANCE and we do not realise that their rejection is not our responsibility because they rejecting speaks more about them than it does about us. Rejection can be a result of their vision but not our values. Moreover, a rejection can be the result of you succeeding reflecting their failures. Sometimes there is nothing wrong with us actually, we seem to be a reflection for something that happened to us and not to them. We weren’t created imperfect or with an acceptance defect, it is we who seek acceptance fearing an Infection from Rejection. We need to tell ourselves daily “I AM NOT PERFECT BUT I AM ENOUGH” and make sure that we believe in ourselves creating a light that will light up the darkest place where rejection has infected us. When we are told we are not good enough, not smart enough and a misfit these are genuinely lies said reminding us about the existence of an Infection from Rejection.

Concluding by saying no one is born perfect nor a misfit. The very existence is a miracle itself indicating how special, talented and blessed that person is to be chosen for the very situation he/she has taken birth. Let's not fear rejection believing approvals and rejections are not something we humans can judge. Its a negative tool used against every possibility of our success hurting someones self respect where they had failed. 

ADDICTION FOR APPROVAL

Is seeking approvals an addiction, Really? 

This can be the first question you may consider reading the title of the blog. The answer to this quarry is ABSOLUTELY YES, MOST OF US ARE ADDICTED TO IT. 

Approvals can have impacts on people more than addiction to substances. People get the momentum on approvals from others defining ‘how a person feels about you’. It is a sense where we consciously suggest that “the way I feel about ME is based on how somebody else feels about ME and it is somebody else’s feeling much more valuable than yours.”This is because we have given the power to someone to think and change our thinking and decision-making abilities and this is called APPROVAL ADDICTION. 

Approval Addiction is an expression to an infection from rejection where it doesn’t make us bleed physically but emotionally it hurts a lot. It is interesting for people who think they have a personality type that does not make us an approval addiction, instead of meeting our own needs we are accommodating others preferences. We end up giving people what they want and not something they need. This satisfies our need for attention more than assistance. So instead of meeting their needs we are accommodating their preferences because our activity although from the outside looks we are doing it for them wherein from the inside we are doing it for ourselves. We give them help they give us compliments, approvals and getting a feel of being needed.

 

The feeling of being not needed or rejection is FEAR. Approval Addiction follows Passive Aggressiveness as well, we keep stuffing feelings within because there is conflict avoidance as we don’t want to say what we feel because we don’t want to offend the source and pleasure we receive of being NEEDED. So, we choose to rather feel the discomfort with our feelings than dealing with the possibility of rejection. We tend to suppress discomforting feelings repeatedly then the outcomes is inevitable. When we don’t show our expressions where they should be expressed and control them, they come out when they shouldn’t be expressed and are out of our control. When we should be talking about an issue in this year but we start going all the way back from 2010 coming on to every suppressed feeling. This is genuinely because we are ready dealing with the discomfort in dysfunctionality rather than the possibility of they rejecting us then.

 

“I feel what I feel but I won’t say what I feel”, this plays with every aspect of our lives. It will troll professionally and torture socially and it will make us feel miserable in every relationship whatsoever. Every relation is on reciprocity, freely expressing needs and expressions. This is a vicious circle where we are when its needed by somebody more than anybody really needing it protecting our necessity of being needed. The struggle to keep up with being needed complements an ANGER. Anger here is the secondary expression for instance first we are cheated then is when we are angry.

 

We cannot realize unless we are in denial and at some point, people need to admit that “what people think about me extremely matters”. Recalling an action we took when the inner conscious asked us to do something nevertheless we did something else to avoide being rejected. Many of us aspire to lead and some are already leading. It is a difficult situation here as leading principal says YOU DO NOT LEAD THE ONES YOU NEED. When you need the ones you lead they are helping you where it should have been the other way around meaning that rather than guiding them we will be accommodating their needs. If we do not take control of this behavior of ours it limits our true potentials in life. So, when we want to be in demand we need to understand that every day I am making decisions that is disappointing people because if we have to reject offers and opportunities everybody is not going to be motivated. Leading we will except every opportunity, respond to every request helping everybody not realizing that we didn’t live life for ourselves. Three things people with approval addiction face on a regular basis:

1.    Suffering abuse from the ones being satisfied.

2.    Having many useless people in their life.

3.    Pursuing other people’s preferences ignoring own purpose.

 

Now realizing that Approval Addiction blinds us and puts excuses in our tongue so that we don’t see the real side of people and make excuse we needing their approval. It is essential that we stop wasting our time trying to DELIGHT PEOPLE that is to accomplish something that cannot be accomplished. Contribute the best to satisfy them and they will have complained to counter remembering the times we have failed to deliver.

 

I wish each one of us get rid of APPROVAL ADDICTION. Most of us are and don’t really realize suffering. Let’s declare that we will jump into a sea of possibilities we haven’t considered or heard before for betterment of our quality of life and aiming to achieve goals set by us seeking no approvals.