INFECTION TO PRICKLY EMOTIONS FROM OTHERS

Something I have experienced many times though didn’t realise then though later observed to realise a super common problem that holds an individual from performing to their potentials, keeping many of us from executing our best. It is the ability to regulate our emotions, depending on how allowing we are to a principle called Emotional Corruption.

Emotional Corruption

It is the pace at which we can influence the emotions of other people and make them as our own. The problem is most of us are highly sensitive to other people's emotions. Task completion or work performance either at work, leisure activity or at home will impact even with the smallest external factor. Although, we can learn how to avoid other people's emotions by becoming better at regulating our own.

The best possible and common experience is the pandemic due to the Novel Coronavirus outbreak. It evolved from Wuhan city in China and soon caused a state of a pandemic, now has a lasting impression figuratively and literally. So much that the method to regulate our emotions and avoid catching the emotions of other people, I will name it the “Viral Effect.” I have summarised that the coronavirus is just like us humans. They can be contagious, and if we are not careful, they can infect us and also claim others around us.

To understand how this processes in real life, it is essential to know what emotions actually are. There's two popular theories about where emotions come from, first theory being the Cognitive Appraisal.

Definition: It is the experience of an emotion we judge where our current situation aligns with our expectations.

Example: Let's consider you are on your way home to disclose your exam results and that you have topped the batch with your mother. You walk through the door, you find her sitting on the couch, but instead of “wha’s the result like?” She leave the room without saying a word. Now, that's not how you expected leading to the emotion of feeling annoyed. This defines Cognitive Appraisal.

The other theory is called Physiological Perception

Definition: The emotions we subconsciously assign to the physical changes in our body.

Example: Public speaking is the perfect example. Most of us usually have a weird feeling right before the talk or speech. Sweaty palms, confusion and moment of panic imagining what if you forget. Considering the last time you spoke you had the same feeling and the speech went well, you may define that sensation as the emotion of excitement. On the other hand say you messed up last time, you may now define that feeling as anxiety or fear. Basically, we overlay our physiological perception from our past experiences onto our current situation.

Moreover, the interesting part in both the theories is how we assess the emotions of other people. A section in the brain that processes emotion and memory called the limbic system is considered to be a non feedback system as it can be influenced by any external factor.

Think about this as passing by someone and without communicating or greeting, you could feel how annoyed or excited that person is? And then maybe you too felt annoyed or excited. It's an interesting concept to think about, because our brain is capable to pick up these subtle cues in our environment, which makes it possible for the other person's emotions to infect your emotional state.

Many people don't realise that every human being is affected by our non feedback system. Many people at work or on the same team inevitably catch feelings from one another. They share everything from jealousy to envy and worry to joy. The more connected they are, the stronger is the sharing of emotions.

Positive Consideration: If the team has a larger target to achieve but the captain regulates his or her emotions by staying grounded and calm, which increases the likelihood that the rest of the team will stay grounded and calm as well.

Negative Consideration: All it takes is for one person on that team to express a negative emotion for the whole thing to fall apart.

Now take a moment and think about how long you have held onto an emotion say irritation, especially after an encounter from a person who is agitated. Was it days? Weeks? Months?

The ideal situation, which improves team and group dynamics as well as individual happiness, is for everyone to control their emotional state by sending back the other person's emotions to them. And research prove that there's two common emotion regulation strategies that can be the best solution.

SOLUTION

The first method to regulate emotions is called Cognitive Reappraisal, where you work to reframe how you interpret the situation in order to regulate your emotions. Countering the first theory of Cognitive Appraisal explained above, you assign definitions to a situation based on your goals and expectations on the outcome. For instance, taking active steps like following social distancing, regularly sanitising hands and wearing a face mask to re-evaluate your outdoor activity in order to avoid being a victim in on-going the pandemic.

Training our brain to reframe is time consuming and needs dedication. This will not be easy as there are hints of truth within each of our thoughts. But if we work consistently on reframing, we shall be able to engage prickly people without being negatively affected by their mood.

The second method to regulate emotion is Acceptance. It is learning to accept a moment for what it actually is and not what you expect it to be. To explain this this, I will use a three-step framework: "OK; so what; now what." By saying "OK," you halt all additional judgment to the person or to the situation. You then allow yourself space to accept your physiological responses and your perception to what's happening. And once you've distanced yourself from your thoughts and your emotional state, then you can say, "so what" because this helps acknowledge what happened purely as an event. And as you transit to "now what" that adds that you have gathered enough information to be able to respond to the event.

Now most people can get to "OK " but struggle to get past "so what" because it can be difficult to detach our physiological perception from the situation. Now here's something essential to be kept in mind, acceptance does not mean that we are OKAY with what happened or that you even want it to continue. It means that we are able to take an aerial shot of the exchange and understand where the prickly spines are and if they're worth attaching to.

Now, both of these strategies are my favourites because they are powerful and effective, especially on the effects that they have on how we approach life and relationships. One study suggests that cognitive reappraisal tends to be associated with more immediate emotional relief in negative situations, whereas acceptance may be better suited for decreasing short-term physiological reactions in unpleasant situations. But the best part? Both of these strategies don't have to be separate practices. Acceptance and cognitive reappraisal can be used interchangeably in order to maintain emotional self-control. The key though to implementing them is to become self-aware when you become emotionally triggered by another person or event. And once you've consciously become aware of either your thoughts, emotions or physical sensations, well then you can practice either technique.

These may be common concepts, but they are definitely not commonly practiced. So by remembering the jumping Viral Effect, it will help you to be more self-aware and self-regulated. And in turn, well, you'll avoid getting pricked by ... a prick.

Could You Live Without a Smartphone?

People off-late are busy with their mobile phones walking on the street, crossing the road or travelling on public transport to their offices and often see people bumping into each other or stumbling over objects on the road. Does it happen to you to text, phone, check your Facebook timeline or maybe catch a Candy Crush while you’re walking?  How many of these times do you actually have to go online? Well, we check our devices, about 221 times per day according to a research or about every 4.3 minutes of the time we don’t sleep.

Well, we live in an economy based on distraction. The more web pages we browse through more brand advertisements can pop up, and so the more money ad space companies can make. Their success metrics are based around how much time we spend using their app, or we were on their website, not on how productive or focused we are. Two years ago, around the same time of the year, I decided to give up my smartphone, and replace it with a very basic phone just for incoming and outgoing calls. At the time, I was working in a senior position in digital marketing agency, which means that I was connected pretty much 24/7. I slept with my phone, I kept checking it all the time, and even felt it vibrating in my pocket or I hear any mobile phone ringing to check if mine is ringing. At times forgetting the fact I was out with family or the person I wish to spend the most of my time with. Giving up my smartphone was one of the best decisions that I have ever made. And today, I want to share with you my key learnings from the journey of taking back control over my time and my life. But, before we do that let me give you all a little challenge.

THE CHALLENGE: 

Given that we check our devices about every 4.3 minutes, this means that you will feel an urge to check your device three or four times during my talk. So, I want to challenge you to resist this urge and count how many times you will succeed in doing that.

LESSONS LEARNT:

ONE : You are more addicted to your device than you think. But you’re also much more resourceful. Now, increasing the time limit we go for 5 minutes without our devices?

A psychologist, David Greenfield, says “the Internet is like a slot machine: you never know what you’re going to find inside”. And this variability of the reward releases dopamine, the neurohormone of pleasure and anticipation of the reward. The problem with dopamine is that excessive stimulation of your brain that is caused by dopamine creates addiction. This is exactly how drugs work. They first make you feel excited, but then you have to go back and take a new dose, to have the same feeling. So devices use the same principles. You never know what you’re going to expect in your message, mailbox or on social media, right? One day you post a picture or a status getting a “Like” and then the next day it increases to 50 “Likes.” WOW! You fee l great. That’s Dopamine release. But then the excitement fades pretty quickly, and you need to go back to your device to feel good again. 

Technology is purposefully designed the way to make us use it over and over again. We also feel dependent on our gadgets, because we have outsourced too many important functions to them. Did you go on Google Maps or any other kind of online maps, and look up your way even though you kind of knew how to get there? This is exactly what I mean, we easily get into the habit of not trusting ourselves. Well, I discovered it’s not actually very easy to get lost in Mumbai. There are walking maps all around. And all I needed to do was to ask my way once before I start. I realise that I have outsourced to technology too many things that were important to me, that made me human, like my sense of orientation and direction, my memories of spaces and certain events, and it felt great to gain them back.

All I wanted, when I was giving up my smartphone, was to have a little bit more clarity in my brain and not to feel so overwhelmed. And what I unexpectedly gained was a feeling that I will find my way no matter what both physically and metaphorically. And, of course, a great chat up with strangers to make new connections. 

TWO : If you want to change your digital habits, do not rely on your willpower. Instead, create structures around you to support you in that.

Our brain is very lazy. So when we repeat a certain action over and over again, it starts organising our brain cells, neurones, into particular chains so that it is easier to pass the information through those chains. This makes our behaviour automatic and unconscious. And this is exactly what notifications do. They prompt us to come back to our device over and over again, up until our behaviour becomes automatic and unconscious. According to a report, 87% of Android users and 48% of iOS users opt in for receiving app notifications on their devices. In other words, all these people allow their devices to decide how they will behave. Once these chains are formed, it takes quite a long time and effort to undo them, and relying on your willpower doesn’t help.

For the first time, when it took me five months from the decision of giving up my smartphone to actually doing it. And for the second time, when after about a year of not owning any smartphone I got one back, which I thought, I would only use as a spare device, in case my laptop breaks down and I need to talk to clients over Skype. I certainly learned it twice.  And in no time, I found myself using it all the time. The neural path was still there. Now, it felt incredibly embarrassing, because at the time I was already an example of digital detox and I obviously was not walking my talk, but it also gave me great insights into the real challenges that people who do not want to give up their devices altogether face. So I developed four principles that helped me take back control over my time and my life, and I want to share those principles and these are: time management, space management, relationship management, and self-management. These principles help re-establish the boundaries that technology removes between our work and private lives, or between our public and private lives. So, explaining about them further in detail.

1)Time management:

We need to give up on the idea that we have to be connected or accessible 24/7.  Now of course that everything is very important, the truth being very few things really are. Remember, it is your attention that is a real scarcity in the age of information technology. It is something like with food, you can have all the food you desire to have in your fridge, but this does not mean that you need to eat it all and all at once. So my top tip is to disable all notifications on your devices, use delayed email function to avoid being distracted by emails, and use blocking apps to make sure that you’re accessing certain websites only at a certain time and not being distracted by them at other times. This way, you are in charge of where you’re getting information, as opposed to being dictated by technology. And to give an example, Ratan Tata, who is Ex Chairman of Tata Group and Tata Sons, has been using his smartphone as a gaming device as a source of entertainment. And, believe me, he’s a much busier guy than most of us.  Also, do not multitask online. So, do not switch between different tabs or between different devices. An experiment proves that the more we multitask, the worse we become at it, we unlearn our brain to do that. Well, you will still likely get distracted, but you can plan for it. So incorporate five minutes of distraction time every now and then in your work routine, but only after you’re done with a chunk of work and as a reward only. Again, this way, you are taking back control over your time.

2)Space management:

Space management is all about where you want to have connection, and where you want to have silence.

Have you ever thought 

⁃ Why the most expensive areas in the city are usually the quietest ones?

⁃ Why is it that, in airport business lounges, there is hardly any sound or music or advertising?

⁃ Why is silence valued so highly? 

Well, this is because it’s only in silence that our brain gets an opportunity to process information that we have been feeding into it. We cannot take good conscious decisions or be creative if we are overwhelmed. And we are always overwhelmed when we go online, because our brain is not good at multitasking. So, do not bring the devices into the areas where you process information, where you have rest. This includes your bedroom and your dining table. Your device is just a tool. It is not part of you. As any tool, your devices need their own places.

3) Relationship management:

When I was still working for an advertising agency, we had a client who kept sending us hundreds and hundreds of emails daily to make sure that we’re on the track of delivering the project. In fact, it was his emails that kept us away from doing the work, because all we were doing was just reading and answering them. So, we have built a job timeline that allowed us to show to the client the progress we’re making in real time without any involvement. In a week’s time, the email rate dropped so considerably that we were finally able to get the work done. We still don’t have a digital etiquette as to how people can best contact you, so you can get an equally important message via WhatsApp, Skype, email, you name it. The moral is you need to heavily manage people’s expectations as to how they can contact you. For example, before I meet somebody, I ask them to send me a text message if anything changes. Because I don’t have Internet on my phone. And it works really well. What do you do, however, if you work for a company that expects you to be connected and on top of everything for 24/7?

Well, first things first, stop contributing to this mess by cc’ing everyone.If you want to receive fewer emails, send fewer emails. Second, you might want to mention a few statistics to your colleagues and bosses.

If this doesn’t help, then you can try moving to a different country, like France and Brazil where they have now the so-called rights to disconnect laws, where that, among other things, regulate whether the person has the right not to read work-related emails after the working hours.

4) Self Management:

Self-management is the last cornerstone of changing your digital behaviour, and the most tricky part. Because it does not help, it doesn’t work, if you prohibit yourself from going online. Because your brain still needs the excitement of dopamine.

So, instead, you need to be thinking about where you will take this dopamine from? What will you do with all this free time that all of a sudden you will have available? And this is where I want to share with you my last key learning, and why I think I failed for so long to give up my smartphone. I just did not want to deal with my own problems. When you don’t have anything that distracts you, then you will have to start dealing with the stuff you have been running away from. We often go online not because we need to, but because we have some internal trigger to do that. Maybe we want to feel Important, or maybe we are depressed. In fact, a study says that people who spent a lot of time online tend to be depressed. So, the next time you feel an urge to check your device, ask yourself: What is really triggering me to do that? Is there something I’m trying to avoid feeling or thinking about?

Once you get a life, and a natural source of dopamine, you won’t need anything to distract yourselves from yourselves. Lets pledge to value ourselves, the time we have, people we are surrounded with and the special someone who constantly feels neglected just because of your presence they may choose not to be vocal.

Narcissism and it's Disconten

Definition

Narcissism is one of several types of personality disorders. It is a mental condition in which people have an inflated sense of their own importance, a deep need for excessive attention and admiration that troubles relationships and lack of empathy from others. But behind this mask of extreme confidence lies a fragile self-esteem that’s vulnerable to the slightest criticism.

 

The word 'narcissism' stems from Greek mythology. Narcissus, a young hunter and an exceptionally handsome man. One day, tired from hunting and the heat, he lies by a splendid spring. As he is drinking the water, he sees his beautiful image. He falls madly in love. He refuses to drink water from the spring for he feared that his lovely image will disappear. In time he wastes away, still enamoured with himself and his death is marked by the growth of a single flower. 

 

“NARCISSIST”, sounds offensive, doesn't it?

Social Narcissism reflects our current cultural reality. Its growth is an increasing challenge to the businesses worldwide. Narcissism is the most overused, misunderstood and  problematic word of our times. The Narcissus, in our un-mythical world, we are surrounded by these selfish, thirsty beings. Like our parched GREEK FRIEND, they are addicted to feeling special. Admiration is everything. And if left unchecked, this cyst boils over into feelings of entitlement, blame, overrating one's abilities, lashing out at criticism, arrogance and bullying, with very little room for empathy. In fact, many people award them grudging admiration for their success. This allows everyone else to replicate these abusive behaviours by either mimicking or self-developed. The definition above mentions narcissism as a medicalising bad behaviour.  It is not actually a diagnostic term. Narcissism Personality Disorder is a diagnosis because these people don’t show up to be diagnosed anyhow. 

Narcissism is a personality pattern. It is a way of relating to the world much like we describe someone as stubborn or agreeable or introverted. Some of these patterns are valued in the society and others aren’t. As a matter of fact, most people don’t get called narcissistic as a compliment. How much ever we accept to not accept it paradoxically, we reward it. Dr. Allen Frances, one of the architects of the diagnosis of narcissistic personality disorder and he argues that “we actually give badly behaved people an obtainability”call it a diagnosis. When a person is cruel, rude or narrow minded disliking the pattern of this behaviour doesn’t make it a mental illness. That person must be experiencing problems in their life. 

 

If we enlist “things” that make up narcissism, we funnel it down to an uncomfortable highpoint. Narcissism comprises of certain pillars like lack of empathy, lavishness, entitlement, hollowness, admiration & validation seeking, hypersensitivity, rage & a tendency to manipulate and exploit people. Their behaviors are quite confusing as they tend to be emotionally detached but they are hyper-responsive. They have temper triggers that sets off in no time. When their fragile egos get threatened. Narcissism is synonymous with PATHOLOGICAL INSECURITY. 

 

The key to understanding a narcissist is that they are constantly feeling empty & unstable. Their lavishness is actually an immature defence to a threat against their sense of self and they are desperate for everyone to keep validating them. On their good days they look happy, great, lavish but on their bad days the disguise crushes quickly & we see misappropriate rage, shame and cruelty. The commonality in narcissistic people in relationships is clear that these relationships were being balanced simultaneously by hope and fear. Hope that someday it would get better if they kept trying and fear that if they fall out of the relationship the will be left alone forever.

 

The world is more insecure and the reasons are varied. It is observed and researched that more of sadness, anger, stress & physical pain. The increasing insecurity in our world and the platforms that capitalize on it has created an optimal fertile ground for narcissism to raise and flourish. When human value is driven entirely by external incentives like success. The qualities like empathy do not have a fighting chances as they are no longer valuable. Narcissism is tempting making it an aspiring form of personality trait. There are what we call the three ‘C’s of narcissism Charm, Charisma and Confidence. This doesn’t mean that all charismatic and charming people are narcissistic.  However, we know that the characteristic is so attractive that they increase the chances that we are blinded to more toxic characteristics that unfold at the same time. 

 

When a person is in a relationship and know the partner is a narcissist why do people still continue?

Well it is because all of us are exposed to those narcissistic charm, charisma & confidence. In fact, we may be more defenceless for being abuse by the narcissist. If we originate form a family in which the pattern of narcissism was normalized such as having a authoritarian, distant invalidating or abusive parent. Our own insecurities render us weak and stop us to climb out when the charming and charismatic personality turns into invalidating and abusive. Most of us are great in giving second chances and are major accelerant for narcissism. 

 

When we are in a narcissistic relationship we tend to make excuses to cover up:“that’s how he is. He didn’t really mean it.” And that’s how the prevalent obsession in any form of narcissistic relationship, whether with an individual/family/company/culture at large can slowly increase and take over. We consider giving a second chance is committed. Our culture is immersed in the tales of hope, redemption & forgiveness. Considering it warm and healthy but when in the wrong hands, hope and forgiveness may not represent as an opportunity, for growth/change or restoration. Rather, a permission to just keep things going as they are because for narcissists forgiveness is interpreted as a characteristic they carry which gets appreciated and gives respect. 

 

Have we created a world where narcissism is becoming necessary to succeed in the new worldly order?

Here is a split in thoughts and acceptance as the very quality associated with materialistic success are actually bad. Because, while these qualities may be festered and fostered by our cultures, society, schools, economies and communities remember they are never going to do any good to our most valued and close relationships. These relationships includes parents, children, siblings, extended family, friends, colleagues, business associates, spouses & partners. 

  

In the most intimate relationships we see profound impacts of narcissism. A relationship with a narcissist is a gradual teaching where one slowly becomes habituated to their lack of empathy, tantrums, rage, insults, their entitlements and challenges to our realities. Their insulting words slowly become your self talk and before you realise you form a new belief that “I am not enough”. 

 

Narcissistic Parent 

They undermine the fundamentals of healthy relationships. Basic fundamentals of mutuality, respect, compassion, patience, honesty and trust. These are things which are not characterised in a Narcissistic system or a person.

Anyone who has or had narcissistic parent will acknowledge, it was the foundation to who they are today. It has taught  a sense of insecurity in a chronic wordplay at psychological level. From an early age, narcissistic parents leave a legacy, including an inability to trust ones own instincts, to safely enter relationships and a lifetime spent trying to gain notice of the unapproachable, detached & disconnected parent. 

 

Narcissistic Leader

The proliferation of narcissism in our culture, governments, companies and world have created very difficult workplaces. The narcissistic boss is the insecure tyrant. They create a workplace ruled by fear and deception, abuse and unkindness. 

 

The most painful realization is that narcissistic patterns are just not that agreeable to change. At the minimal the narcissist has to recognize the harmful pattern of their behavior then they want to change it and then they have to put it in the daily word of change. There is a small number of cases where that somewhat happens, but under conditions of stress and frustration the usual issues of rage and anger will pop up. Thus, making the rubber band of personality returns to it usual shape and size. The small changes may not be enough to make a close, intimate relationship sustainable. If somebody is not ready to recognize that they need to make changes because they are hurting other people, there is a little likelihood that they will go in for a change. But there is a likelihood they will continue to blame other people, the world or you for their bad behavior. 

 

Can there be happy endings where narcissistic or antagonistic personalities and cultures are connected?

The greatest challenge about happy endings in real life is that they rarely look like the ones we crafted when we are young. Its easy to get stuck in our own old narratives. People who come from narcissistic families may feel as though they missed out on having a parent who is an ally or supporter, even as they go to adulthood. People who are married to narcissistic partners may find themselves stuck in a nightmare of emotional abuse.

 

So how do we, as business owners, as managers, leverage these challenging personalities, to ensure that we have successful businesses and positive working environments? (Business/ organizational solution)

You all know one! You might even have interacted with one! You might even be one. Well, one thing we know for sure is that their numbers are increasing. High time we need to have a solution in place for Narcissistic people. Regardless of the cause, narcissist people can be extremely difficult to employ and even harder to work for. 

 

The first step is to hire accordingly. In this situation, you must know that these personality types exist. You must lookout for it. By doing so, you can help to screen and clear out those pathological, and the extreme narcissist. We know that those personality types are extremely toxic and unproductive in the workplace, even as leaders. Additionally, when you're screening, you need to identify not only the job skills that are required, but the personal skills that complement that job. By doing so, you can actually use the strengths of these personalities to your advantage. We know that they're extremely persuasive. We know that they function well as islands in and of themselves. We know that they can be very engaging, and they're also extremely dedicated. So, by clubbing the personality skills with the job itself, you can ensure greater success. 

 

Second Step, define your environment. You must lead and empower the leaders. If you don't lead, the narcissists will. Additionally, create a in-group like environment. This is a team organized spirit, the greater good rules. Make sure you have a group. Group success is your measurement for all individuals. By doing so, you can ensure a much greater, powerful workforce. Additionally, they need to be fed constantly and frequently. We need to feed them with praise. We need to give them raises and incentives, again, frequently. Again, we need to appraise them as well and give them constant feedback on how they're doing. 

 

Finally, Third Step, we need to create a supportive work environment, not only for the narcissistic personalities, but for everybody else. By doing so, you can ensure that there is good communication, and if there is behaviour that's offside, that it can be checked quickly, and without any kind of penalties to those people reporting them. Next, you need to clearly set your expectations. Not only defining the job skills required, but the overall workplace behaviour that's acceptable to you. The more specific you are, the better off you are. This, again, has to be reinforced frequently. People need to be reminded that this is actually what is required. Next, accountability at all levels. People need to be reminded that confidence does not necessarily equal competence. Documentation is also important as a protocol for this type of personality. We know that narcissists tend to be highly arguable. So, you need to protect yourself, your employees and your business by documenting poor work behaviour and clearly advising what next steps are. 

 

Last but not least, there needs to be a clear disciplinary process in place. This needs to be applied at all levels, from the CEO down. It needs to be consistently applied, and there're no free passes. By doing so, you can increase morale in the company itself and have consistency in the application process. By following these three steps, you can effectively leverage these challenging personalities and cultivate an environment where all employees and your business can bloom and thrive.

 

All of us are bigger than this epidemic of narcissism. Any of us can change the ‘you are not enough’ narrative that still resonates. We can re-parent ourselves. Where there are scars, beautiful things actually can spring forth. Khalil Gibran writes, “out of suffering have emerged the strongest souls; the most massive characters are seared with scars.”

 

Yes, the world is in fact becoming more narcissistic and insecure. Don’t let this global trend of rudeness affect you. Protect yourself, find your communities, find common grounds with other people instead of living in polarization. Practice kindness and empathy even when people are not. Choose your romances and friends with care. Every life story can be a miracle or a tragedy. It just depends on how you write it. These days when the world is in such a disarray anyone who is suffering with their empathy unbroken, their heart sound, their integrity in place and their sense of humor intact is nothing short of determined.

 

 

SELF-ESTEEM: A SELF-DEVELOPED SKILL

 

In psychology, the term self-esteem is used to describe a person’s overall sense of self-worth or personal value. In other words, how much you appreciate and respect yourself. Well we all know that self-esteem can be an important part of success. Too little self-esteem can leave people feeling defeated or depressed. It can also lead people to make bad choices, fall into destructive relationships or fail to live up their full potentials. I believe self-esteem starts in the mind. When born we are born with a promise and its potential which is a secret, invisible and it is surely inside us. This is the case with every person living or dead on the face of this earth and these potential stays “what I can be is up to me and what my life can be is up to me”. The saddest part is that many of us never find our potential and remaining many of us never live our potential. 

Imagine you were born with a Blank Canvas and totally equipped with required colors, brushes and it was totally up to you what you wanted to do with your life canvas. You can use any color, any brush stroke. it was totally up to you where you could paint the painting of your life using the potential that you came with and you can paint any image on that canvas. Creating a masterpiece and calling it the Painting of Life.

 

Now what happens is, as we are born with the canvas - a promise, potential and with this unlimited imagination and instantaneously what starts to happen is people also come and they start painting on your canvas. These people are well-meaning, they mean well some are great and are positive, uplift and support you. But other people keep you small and condition you, they tease and pull you down. All of these other people are painting on your canvas making our masterpiece. This continues for a number of years and then suddenly you start to realize the painting doesn’t quite look the same anymore. It’s something different than you had thought but this continues for further number of years and then eventually you start accepting that this painting is the one that should be your life. Basically, accepting other people’s ideas, conditioning and perspectives about you as your reality. Now people have added their conditionings, ideas and perspective on your mind space as colours and brush strokes which we now want to change.

The blank canvas we are born with is a mind space which explains the statement self-esteem starts in the mind. The thoughts are the colors used to make the masterpiece of life. They can be positive feelings, up lifting or will be negative feelings and these thoughts create our values, beliefs and ultimately our Self-Esteem. So, everything that you think in the mind about what has happened in your life until now is what is creating your self-esteem. It is this self-esteem that will make or break you in life. 

 

Leonardo da Vinci’s drawing of The Vitruvian Man is one of the most popular world icons was created by around the year 1487. It is accompanied by notes based on the work of famed architect, Vitruvius Polio. The drawing is on display occasionally at Gallerie dell’Accademia, Venice, Italy. Every year when on display around six million people visit this place to see the drawing as it is very iconic and beautiful. Being a piece of heritage and volume of visitors The Vitruvius Polio is guarded around a lot of security but astonishingly you never see this security. The moment there is any step taken closer by any means the guards can race them and they protect the canvas. 

From today onwards our mind, panelist or mind space is like that Vitruvius Polio drawing and we guard it. We will allow people inside who are positive, up lifters, encouragers and the ones giving us confidence rejecting others who are negative, pull us down and the ones who tell us we are no good. This doesn’t mean you start removing people from your lives, some people are positive and some are negative but it means you do not allow the negativity into your mind space.

 

Imagine for a moment now looking at your painting of life. There are things positive as well as negative painted on it. Looking at it as it is, decide are you happy with the masterpiece, are you happy with your life or a bit frustrated. If frustrated the its time to make some changes and make some choices. This is how we move forward and make a decision only out of these two choices. First, we can accept the negativity and discouragements or Second, we can start to take action. We can take action knowing that we can are making a difference in our lives. 

 

There is a popular Indian saying “the bite of the snake does not kill you but it is the poison that is left behind once the snake is gone which is fatal”. We all have events in our lives where something bad had happened many years ago and we continue to think about it longer even after the event has happened. So, the the bite of the snake represents the event and we thinking about it long after it has happened is the poison. 

 

Solution: What’s already painted on you canvas stays on it. You may try to scrape off the paint. The scrapping will make it look uglier. So, the solution is as simple as you start repainting on you canvas. This means you are choosing not to develop negative thoughts and would repaint it with new colors of positive thoughts, ideas and experiences. From this moment, onwards you can change the way you think and act. 

 

Let me introduce you to a simple yet effective therapy and it is called THE SMILE THERAPY. It is a self-therapy and doesn’t need expertise like other therapies do. 

Practical: So, think about something that makes you angry. Feel that anger in your body and remember where you felt it the most. Now relax, get a small smile think of the same something and could you connect to the anger? The smile that you introduced to the memory that get you anger changed the definition or trigger to your emotion. 

 

There are two types of smiles. The smile that everyone regularly uses is called a laugh because of something funny. On the other hand, Mac smile a is create smile. In other words, its fun when you smile. By creating your smile, you can change your mind from negative to positive. As a result, it will improve your health, aesthetics and interpersonal relationships. The objective is to improve your overall human capability by improving your appearance with smile training and your inner strength with mental training.

 

This works on two principles: 

(1)FACIAL DOUBLE FEEDBACK EFFECT   

When the brain detects that you are having fun or liking something, it will naturally raise your mouth’s corner turning it into a smile. This is because a pleasure hormone called endocrines gets released in the brain.

 

(2)MIRROR EFFECT

Imagine a mirror between you and the other person. When you smile, they will smile right back; when they smile, you smile right back at them. Conversely, the transfer of your grim face onto the other person is called the reverse mirror effect.

 

Let me introduce you to another simple yet an effective technique and it’s called STOP. This technique is very effective and works for everyone. STOP technique just means when you have a negative thought you STOP your mind and mouth to introduce a pause. Then you introduce in a positive thought. Here you think of the positive instead of the negative. A positive thought is something that makes you happy the moment you think about it. Researchers have concluded that humans have about 50,000 thoughts every day. Miraculously all of those thoughts are the same you had yesterday and the day before and the day before that. Researchers have even proven that majorly those thoughts are negative. If we have low self-esteem then we have more negative thoughts of everybody else and we think about the past more than anybody else. 

 

The first thing every morning most of us do is we check our mobile phones. So, today onwards the first thing we do every morning is we stop checking our mobile phones and replace it with checking our mind space for the thought we have woken with. Consider you waking up with a negative thought – I am still tiered / I didn’t sleep enough / I drank too much / my exam today is going to be a blunder. We are going to say STOP to that negative though introduce a pause with a positive thought. This is when you are paining positivity over the negativity on your mind-space/canvas. You think of the positive thought for about 20/30/40 seconds and then you start your day.

 

Concluding with two easy solutions to nullify the negative emotions triggering bad thoughts majorly affecting your SELF-ESTEEM by virtue of The Smile Therapy and STOP technique you keep repeating this during the day. You have happy thoughts you have happy emotions and you take happier actions and lead a happier life. So, do not care what your past has been like nor what has occurred to you in your life until this moment. What really matters is how you move forward from this moment onwards. Remember you are the child born with the promise and the potential is still inside each and every one of you. It is the time you shine and bring out your potential choose your thoughts and repaint it on your canvas making it a masterpiece.