Perfectionists in Procrastination

Procrastination is the action of unnecessarily & voluntarily delaying or postponing something despite knowing that there will be negative consequences for doing so. It could be further stated as a habitual or intentional delay of starting or finishing a task which seems difficult or even unpleasant. 

In my Engineering College days I was doing Electronics majors & I had to write a lot of assignment papers for almost every subject in all eight semesters. When a normal student writes an assignment, they might spread the work schedule out a little as per their prior commitments. Something like, get started maybe slowly, but get enough done in the first half, with some heavier in the day later, everything gets done, things stay civil & are managed.

I too would want to follow that plan. But when the assignments would actually come along the scenario was completely opposite. And that would happen every single time.

Today I’m a writer-blogger & have decided to write about procrastination. My behaviour has always confused the non-procrastinators around me, making me wanting to explain the non-procrastinators what thoughts of procrastinators have, and why we are the way we are.

I always had a notion that brains of procrastinators were actually different than the brains of other people. And to test that, I did some research online and offline to compare the thoughts of a procrastinator and that of a proven non-procrastinator. 

My findings were, there actually is a difference. Both have a thoughtful Rational Decision-Maker in them, but the
procrastinator’s thoughts also has an Instant Indulgence Worm. Now, this mean the procrastinators, everything’s fine until the Rational Decision-Maker will make the rational decision to do something productive, but the Worm does not like that plan, so it actually replaces the thought & decides, let’s read the entire Wikipedia page of the Legendary Tata Family Story, because I just remembered that. Then going to the fridge, to see if there’s anything new. After that going to go on a YouTube spiral that starts with videos of Hyderabadi Diaries talking about family issues in a humorous way and ends much later with us watching interviews with Vijay Mallya’s Son talking on respecting women.

“All of that’s going to take a while, so we’re not going to really have room on the schedule for any work today. Sorry!”

EXPLAINITION 

The Instant Indulgence Worm plans entirely in the present & has no memory of the past & of the future, caring about two things: Ease & Fun. In the animal kingdom, that works fine. Considering a worm and you spend your whole life doing nothing other than ease out and fun things, you’re a huge success!

And to the Worm, humans are just another animal species. All that needed is to be well-slept, well-fed & propagating into the next generation, which in tribal times might have worked. But, if you haven’t noticed, now we’re not living in those times. We’re in an advanced civilisation & the Worm does not know about it. Which is why we have another guy in our thoughts, the Rational Decision-Maker, who gives us the ability to do things no other species can do. We can visualise the future, seeing the big picture, making long-term plans. Taking all of that into account and wanting to just have us do whatever makes sense to be doing RIGHT NOW!

Sometimes it makes sense to be doing things that are tough & less pleasant simply for the sake of the big picture. That’s when we have a conflict and for the procrastinator, that conflict tends to ending up in a certain way every time, leaving them spending a lot of time in the easy & fun place that’s entirely out of the Makes Sense Circle, naming the other as the Muddy Park.

Now, the Muddy Park is a place that all procrastinators understand. It’s where leisure activities happening at times when leisure activities are not supposed to be a priority. The fun you have in the Muddy Park isn’t actually fun, because it is a complete detour which follows with guilt, dread, anxiety, self-hatred — all of those negative emotions. To be noted in such situation with the Worm controlling the thought patterns, how does the procrastinator ever transcend to the Make Sense Circle, a less pleasant place, but where really important things happen.

Though procrastinators have a guardian angel, someone always looking down on them & watching over in muddy moments — someone sparky, The Panic Monster.
It is dormant most of the time & suddenly wakes up anytime a deadline gets too close or there’s danger of public embarrassment, a career disaster or some other scary consequence. The Panic Monster is that the Worm is terrified off. 

That became very relevant in my life pretty recently, because the thought of writing this blog reached out to my head about six weeks ago. Now, of course, I started jotting points to be covered & in middle of this excitement, the Rational Decision-Maker seemed to have something else saying, “Are we clear on what we just accepted? Do we get what’s going to happen one day in the future? We need to sit & work on this right now.”

And the Worm said, “Totally agree, but let’s just open Google Earth & zoom in to the bottom of Monaco, scrolling for two & half hours till we get to the top of the continent, so we can get a better feel for accuracy on Google. So that’s what I did that day. As six weeks turned into four, then two & then one, I received emails enquiring about a new blog post and its topic. Turning off the laptop on the black screen I saw the reflection of my face staring right back at me. And guess who woke up?- THE PANIC MONSTER…..

The Panic Monster starts losing it, a few seconds later with the my system in a mayhem. The Worm suddenly disappeared and the Rational Decision-Maker can action as I can start working on the blog. Writing with intense frustration about what procrastination I had done, about what this Worm had done to the task. I thought if that’s how the procrastinator’s system works, then what’s going on? Why is everyone in the muddy place?

Well, it turns out that there are two kinds of procrastination. First kinds are when there are deadlines, the effect of procrastination is around short term effect as the Panic Monster gets activated. Second kinds are when there are no deadlines. If you choose a career where you are required to be a self-starter or something entrepreneurial, there are no deadlines on that at first. Not until you have done initial work to get momentum, to get things going. There also exists different important things outside your career that don’t involve deadlines, like being with your parents or exercising & taking care of your health, working on your relationship or getting out of a relationship that isn’t working.

Now if the procrastinator’s only mechanism of doing these hard things is the Panic Monster, that’s a problem. Because in every non-deadline situations, the Panic Monster doesn’t activate. It has nothing to trigger and the effects of procrastination is not contained. They just extend outwards forever. This long-term procrastination is much less visible & talked about as compared to the funnier, short-term deadline-based. It is mostly suffered privately & it can be a source of piling amount of long-term unhappiness & regrets. It’s that long-term procrastination that creates the feeling of a spectator in our own lives. The frustration is not that we couldn’t achieve our dreams on the contrary it is that we weren’t even able to start chasing the dream.

A little bit of a sudden realisation I don’t think non-procrastinators exist. I think all of us are procrastinators. Now, you might not be a mess, like some & some may have a healthy relationship with deadlines, but remember: the Worm’s sneakiest trick is when the deadlines aren’t there.

Now, I want to share one last thing. SOLUTION 

Repair’s Principal Thought : Do actions without expectations of appreciation to action or conversely fear of consequence.

Actions should be done simply for the sake of doing the work itself with no emotion invested in any other external factor. The entire world operates solely based on external factors. In my reality, I did my assignments because if I didn't, I wouldn't score marks for my internals. My teachers graded the tests because if they don't, they have no tool to measure for teaching us. Parents pay the bills because if they don't, they may end up mounting dues & penalties.

Everybody does everything they do because there are consequences & also rewards that controls them. I developed a method that I could follow in my own life. I call this a No Diversion Route. There are a few guidelines to this method

Guideline number 1: In order to succeed, one must set a concrete specific goal.

The goal behaviour is to work towards the goal & then if save leftover time then to enjoy other leisure activities. Additionally, while going through Guideline 1, usage of cell phone or internet is not allowed because it will gives a means to procrastinate all too easily.

Guideline Number 2: Only feelings of positivity surrounding the endeavour.

This entails both propagating own positive thoughts & rejecting any negative.

Guideline Number 3: Acknowledge either a feeling of satisfaction upon making progress towards the goal conversely if failed to do that feel the negative emotions.

Acknowledging the feeling of guilt & anxiety within just didn't feel good when avoiding work and felt good when didn't. This step is imperative, because self-reflection is key to the entire process. Being aware of your emotional reactions to the method & asking yourself why you feel & act the way you do. That shall causes lasting change as opposed to going through the process without processing much.

Guideline Number 4: Feel grateful

No matter if accomplished a lot, a little, or nothing at all take some time out to feel grateful that you had the ability to do whatever goal or behaviour it was that you wished to accomplished.

Guideline Number 5: To keep a reflection journal.

While this meant nothing by the way of scientific evidence, it was often just a bunch of random thoughts jotted down on paper,

So with these five guidelines:

Number 1: set a goal;

Number 2: be positive;

Number 3: acknowledge & reflect feelings;

Number 4: feel grateful;

Number 5: record what happens;

The part I didn't mention in the beginning, was every time I sat down to write that assignment, these horrible thoughts filled me. What if I put so much time & effort though it's bad & I have to redo the assignment all over again? What if I can't find anything to write about? What if I start writing and it's super boring?

So I essentially made a commitment that I can't break as there is nothing I fear more than commitments. I would worry way too much about the outcome & not spending my energy on the working for it. Except this process happened so fast that it didn't register it as a conscious thought. Instead, it was more a general sense of dread & doom.

Pro tip: Knowing it's bad as you start asking yourself why my head is suddenly a pressure cooker, and feeling trapped in it. Procrastination is a result of the negative emotions associated with work? - YES

Research shows the chronic procrastination is not contrary to the popular belief of laziness or poor time management. It is actually the product of negative cycles of emotions that creates other byproducts as well like guilt, stress, anxiety, depression, & diminished self-worth. In fact, the core mechanism for chronic procrastination is closely similar to that of obsessive-compulsive disorder. We may laugh at the cartoonish way the chronic procrastinator simply can't do and what they put their mind into. But in reality, the plight isn't so humorous.

Well, actually facing these emotions, accepting & dismissing them which isn’t easy. The more I followed it, the easier it got, and the payoff was enormous. I rewired myself to handle stress in a way that promoted joy, positivity, self-acceptance & gratitude, instead of guilt & hopelessness. Some people may not think this is an actual or significant issue, maybe especially the older generation, but today's youth, you and me, this is a mammoth-sized issue that affects everyone.

About 20% of us are said to be chronic procrastinators, & I think that's 20% too many. We have the ability to fix this, so that we're not just a statistic. We can make a difference just follow the No Diversion Route I mentioned earlier. Commit to changing own habits, asking yourself why you procrastinate, & going on a journey of self-reflection. Become that person who always stands front & centre, loving whatever it is that they're there to do.

We have the power to make a change. Just, whatever you do, We need to think about what we’re really procrastinating on, because everyone is procrastinating on something in life. We need to stay aware of the Instant Gratification Worm. That’s a job for all of us. And because there’s not that many options there, it’s a job that you probably start today. Well, maybe not today, but …sometime soon is not the real solution.

HANDLING TOXIC PARENTS

Parent (noun) : a father or a mother, an ancestor, precursor, or progenitor, a source and origin.

Family (noun) : a fundamental social group in society typically consisting of parents (father and mother) with their children.

Toxic (noun) : a chemical or other substance which is poisonous in nature.

For most of us home is where our parents and siblings reside though we find it better with a bunch of school friends, college friends, office colleagues or other friends from the building complex or vicinity where we are valued, heard and given respect. We are the real 'us' with them around, we tend to smile, crack jokes, talk our hearts out, eat and drink as per our likings and there are no limitations or judgements as compared to the atmosphere back home more over the way we are treated. If you feel and do the same then you have TOXIC FAMILY. 

Here are seven signs of having Toxic Family.

1. YOU FEEL INVISIBLE

By saying invisible I didn’t mean you may posses the watch from a Bollywood movie Mr. India. It’s having your needs neglected by family. It is easy to feel invisible when your parents act as if they are too busy for you. No one seems to care or notice your existence, feelings, choices or your opinions.

2. YOU FEEL PRESSURED

Have you ever felt worthless? Your parents might be imposing conditions of worth on you, which is a toxic behaviour. Parents may initially believe they are doing it for your own good and build up setting unrealistically standards for you with constant criticism for every perceived mistake. How much ever you try to give your best it will be instantly put down.

A famous Psychotherapist, Carl Rogers says “The conditions of worth means that you only feel loved and accepted by someone when you live up to their expectations of you."

3. YOU FEEL MISUNDERSTOOD & REJECTED

Probably you have tried talking to your family or shared your feeling or what you're going through yet, no member of the family seems to understand you or even care to understand. You feel dismissed and nothing is deemed important. Even though you seek help, they are not supportive on the contrary they remain unsympathetic and indifferent.

4. YOU FEEL YOUR WORTH DEPENDS ON WHAT YOU CAN GIVE AND NOT WHO YOU REALLY ARE.

Your family is only nice to you when they want you to do something for them? You even know that when they act caring they're gonna ask for some favour afterwards? Parents often manipulate and exploiting you for their own gain. They will consistently take without ever giving back. Even worse, giving in to their demands creates a positive feedback loop encouraging them to take advantage of you even more.

5. YOU FEEL FORCED TO BE AROUND THEM

You feel suffocated simply by being around them. You come home and spend time with them only because you have no other place to go. If you step up to make your own life easy, they will make you feel guilty, even ashamed for abandoning them and taking a different route in life. Painting you as the villain to everyone known to them and collecting their sympathies.

6. YOU ARE THE PAWN TO THE POWER POLITICS THEY PLAY

Power politics is defined as the struggle for power through dishonest and manipulative tactics. It creates a disruptive, chaotic and unstable nurturing environment. Parents tend to use their position in the family, their contribution in your life, counting out your mistakes for which they have covered up and make you do or act the way they would want you to.

7. YOU FEEL CONSTANTLY UNHAPPY BEING AROUND THEM

We do have our occasional bad days when being around anyone even the family is difficult. That's fine and is quite normal but the feeling being fairly constant being around them is a red flag. They drag you down into their overwhelming and persistent negativity. They are constantly complaining about the unfairness of life even when good things happen.

Living in a toxic family puts your mental health at constant risk. Moving away from your family does not necessarily reverse the damaging effects. There are side effects on your life as well. Below are some common side effects which develop during childhood and are evident as an adult.

1. YOU HAVE A FEAR OF BEING MANIPULATED.

Toxic family often involve some sort of daily manipulation between two or more family members. Manipulation is a serious form of mental and emotional abuse. Whether you have been directly manipulated or watched someone you love be a victim to it, this can cause you to grow fearful of this toxic behaviour. As a result, you may become avoidant of others in order to protect yourself.

2. YOU STRUGGLE WITH DEVELOPING YOUR SELF-IDENTITY.

Individuals from toxic families often struggle with image and low self-esteem issues because they were not brought up to have confidence in themselves. Parents who never respected your choices, opinions, decisions or simply boundaries. Consequently, you begin to see yourself in a negative light instead of having a family who helped you except your flaws, mistakes, and failures, you faced harsh criticism on a daily basis. Without a healthy sense of self-esteem, one can miss out of fulfilling their talents and potentials.

3. YOU HAVE DIFFICULTY TRUSTING OTHERS.

As children we first learn how to form relationships with others from our family. Toxic families often give children a reason to keep quiet, and they become distrustful of the world. When you learn to put walls out of fear of being vulnerable, it makes it hard for you to connect and relate with others. There is a constant thought and fear of being rejected and manipulated.

4. YOU HAVE TROUBLE INTERACTING SOCIALLY.

*Studies show that adults who were raised in toxic families showed struggles maintaining romantic relationships and overcoming their insecurities. As a result, many of them would deny reality and their own feelings. When you grow up in a household that exposes you to neglect, abuse, and mistreatment, the last thing you want to do is get close to people who might let you down or betray you. Moreover you yourself being judged by your family increases the chances of you friends or romantic interest being humiliated and rejected.

5. YOU HAVE ANXIETY OVERLOAD.

Children who grew up around toxic families are at risks of developing problems with their academics, social life and impulse control, because their brain is continuously exposed to cortisol, the Stress Hormone. It’s your natural “flight or fight” response which increases your heart rate and blood pressure. Systems of Generalised Anxiety Disorder include headaches, irritability, muscle tension, sweating constant worrying, and feelings of restlessness.

6. YOU DEAL WITH TRAUMA GOING THROUGH EMOTIONAL CUTOFF OR ESTRANGEMENT FROM YOUR PARENTS.

Once children in toxic families grow up into adults now financially able to support themselves, they often experience emotional cutoff or estrangement to disconnect from their unresolved family conflict. They have always been a part of the conflict and mostly they are the conflict themselves.

The PARENT-CHILD relationship can be complicated but what do you do when the parents who should nurture and support you is the source of your pain. A parent can be toxic to their child when the troublesome behaviour becomes so deeply ingrained that they do not realise the harm that they are causing. Toxic parent’s have a way of never assuming responsibility always putting all the blame on others and manipulating and they disguise it by saying I'm just trying to be a good parent when this happens even adult children are left terribly confused they want so much to believe that their mothers are loving and nurturing but what they get instead is an onslaught of accusations that leave them feeling devastated without being able to truly pinpoint why.

Let's look at what does and does not constitute toxic behaviour.

Your family is not toxic simply because they discipline you or denies providing what you want or disagrees with you or has been interfering into your life and has rules they expect you to follow. However, if they do any of the following five things regularly it suggests their behaviour is toxic

1. They are negative and pay no attention to your feelings or needs.

2. They are emotionally unavailable

3. They use emotional blackmailing for controlling

4. Critical

5. Comparing you to others

6. Disrespectful of your boundaries

7. Manipulative

8. Playing the victim

9. Self-obsessed

10. Unapologetic

11. Blaming

12. Pushy and bossy

13. Obsessed with putting on a good front

This list is just a glimpse of the poor behaviours exhibited by toxic parents who disguise themselves as good.

HOW TO HANDLE A TOXIC FAMILY?

So what do you do when you want to love your family but their toxic behaviour is leaving you in desperate in need of a solution. Read on

1. Grieve the loss but they are still alive you may think. Well that may be true but death is only one form of a loss. You need to grieve the loss of a loving relationship with your family as it will never change and add bringing further misery.

2. Forgive whether parents or siblings know that their behaviour is toxic or not, forgiveness is not for them it's for you as it releases you from carrying that burden of religion teaching to respect elders and family members. So forgive but you don't need to automatically trust meaning you can forgive and have boundaries.

3. Talk to a therapist or friends or any person who you feel comfortable about your sufferings and your families toxic behaviour. As it may have left you with deep emotional wounds it shouldn't define you or your identity.

4. Set realistic expectations when discussing about your toxic family. You will likely get healthier but this does not mean that your family will change overnight if there's been no repentance there will be no change.

5. Set your limits and boundaries indicating where one person ends and the other begins. The fact that this woman or man is your mother or father or sibling respectively does not give them the right to overstep your boundaries. Follow the below steps if setting boundaries is getting difficult.

Set boundaries with the toxic parents

1. Recognise your family for the traits of toxic family.

Many broken daughters and sons remain in denial over their mothers or fathers and spend a lifetime struggling and in confused relationships. Just because someone holds a title in your life doesn't give them the right to treat you poorly.

2. Know the truth 

Most of us have a confusion between taking care of the family and take their orders. If you don't want to do something or can't find a way to do it joyfully don't do it. In fact it's good to say NO sometimes. The yes you say every time simply enables your family to stay stuck in their poor behaviour.

3. Be realistic in expectation and thinking 

Toxic families never appreciate a boundary so do not expect your parents or siblings to get in line and realise the error of their ways and you will have to tolerate inappropriate behaviour. Often worse than before as your family will likely try to re-establish their position of dominance. This may come through angry outbursts or manipulative tears or complete withdrawal. These tactics are meant to get you back to a place where they have control you. So, stand your ground if you're having trouble you may want to consider a form of distancing depending on the level of toxicity. You may consider not spending as much time or maybe even having a time of separation. Distancing does not imply that you don't love or honour your family but you need the time to learn how to establish new and healthier boundaries.

I want to encourage you to work on your toxic family. As they are very powerful and can do a lot to change your life. Every problem has a solution and this is possible only if one takes it as an option for self development. Our culture and history has always portrayed families as godliness and by mentioning toxic families I have no intention to disrespect or harm any sentiments. This is an issue that is ignored and an individual has to accept it and continue living a traumatic life. Identify and act is a key to exploring your true potentials.

* https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC5559994/