EMPATHY : Modern day most powerful Invention

 

Today I write about an experiential learning and realization. A word you came across somewhere although meaning and importance remains undetermined. Working with many organizations with various job functions and reporting to different characters called Managers/Superior/Leader. As I sit back working from home past eight months I started to identify my role and position in the team of every company I have worked in the past and I currently work and I started to all like the jobs I have ever done. All this because I was left with sometime with me during this pandemic. I learnt about EMPATHY.

 

Leaders/ Managers need to have both perspective and empathy. This is typically not practiced anymore because todays leaders/managers strongly believe holding a status and a designation comes with great power of controlling.

 

Theories say “LEADERS DO NOT REALLY NEED TO BE IN-CHARGE. THEY ARE ANTICIPATED FOR TAKING CARE OF THOSE ACTUALLY IN-CHARGE”. The functioning of this designation is really created for people which they do not realize. It begins with we getting our formal education from school, high school (senior secondary schooling) and a Bachelor’s Degree course. Most of us continue to complete a Master’s Degree to get further knowledge and skill set to procure superior job opportunity. As we complete our education that moves us to become an employee of our first job. There we are inducted and given a detailed tour of the office place and culture explaining us the job description. We implement theoretical knowledge we have gained. It is necessary for us to perform and genuinely WE WORK HARD. As we work from days to week, weeks to months, months to a year and we getting at our job we get promoted. Promoted to a designation where you have to direct the position where you began in the organization but no body shows us how to do that. That’s why we have managers or leaders who are really micro managers as they have already done that job are now supposed to lead. There is a literal transition here from learning how to do the job and being responsible for managing people doing that very job. Some people are slow towards accepting the transition where as some are pretty quick and some do not realize this transition. The origin for the designation requires the organization to communicate how to be a Manager/Leader. Leadership is a skill like any other, it is a learnable and a practicable skill. 

 

Like parenting, everyone has the capacity to be a parent. That doesn’t mean everyone should be a parent. Leadership is the same, which means everyone has the capacity to be a leader. That doesn’t mean everyone should be a Leader. It urges you to act when leading and everything goes well you give away all the credit and reversing this if everything goes wrong you take the responsibility and assist mending it. This doesn’t mean you be harsh and pressurize the people who you manage, instead you simply ask them to try again and helping them. You as a manager/leader are also not responsible for the result too. Think of a CEO having business priority as “customers”. They won’t as they are not responsible for the customer they are responsible for the people under them who are again responsible for other people and so on. 

 

Some months back I had been to another city for a meeting and had to check in a hotel. The reason hotels are wonderful is not the fancy beds, any hotel can do that. The experience developed by guests rightly is. Every time I walked pass any hotel employee, they smiled and said “Hello sir, hope you’re stay is pleasurable”. You feel their delight genuinely and not because someone has instructed them. Continuing, I happened walking in their café for cup of coffee. Welcoming me the barista, Harold a friendly and engaging guy and apt for the job. I remember actually giving him a 100% tip for serving me. Talking to him curiously I asked him “so Harold do you like your Job?”, to which he instantly replied “Yes sir, I love my job”. Taking the conversation forward I asked him “what is this hotel company doing to you for you to tell me that you definitely love your job”. Again, promptly Harold replied to me that “not only my manage, anyother manager too coming in the café would ask me about my job, the experience working here and what could that manager can do for him to make it better”. Then he expressed something that got my attention, he added he works in this cafe in the second half of the day and the first half he is a barista at a nearby hotel. He said working there is different, the managers are too authoritarian. He is working there just for his paycheck. Same person working two cafes. 

 

We as leaders are always criticizing our people as we need the right people but the reality is it’s not the people it’s our leadership. It’s as simple as leader creating an environment where people perform that leader gets employees like Harold’s of the in-house cafe in whereas if leader creates a bad environment we will get employees like Harold working for the other hotel. We have become competitive were hiring and firing is natural. Like if some employee is not able to perform the first instinct of the manager is “You are OUT”. This is because we DO NOT PRACTICE EMPATHY.

 

Let’s begin with imagining Case One: Your manager informs you about the performance for the quarter cautioning you it will be difficult for you to continue being on the job. How inspired are to come to work the next day? 

 

Now let’s Imagine Case Two: Your manager informs you about the bad performance for the past quarter and asks about you or anything troubling you. Also asks you to open up as feels worried and would help you. Now how does that feel?

 

This is Empathy, it is about being concerned about the person and not just the output. We all have performance related issues and Mangers can only see performances. Our working flair has changed in the past decade, we are suffering from the business theories left over from 80’s and 90’s. They are bad for people and bad for business now. It worked then not necessarily works now. A decade ago people stood in long ques to make a call and now we have cellphones. That’s innovation and taking a step ahead. 

 

The directives followed currently is similar to a football coach training players making the fans as priority. Will that model make a winning team? We don’t consider the working directives followed from yesteryears outdated and consider them as mantras to success. The model used was appropriate then as they were short on resources and technology. The business environment was very peaceful, supportive and option proof. The world we live today is competitive, monopoly seeking and options are plenty.

Therefore, we work in an environment where our managers repeatedly reminding us that we can be replaced on performance failure. Hence, we are working AFRAID. We are teaching our youngest generation that how can anybody not stand up saying “I Made a Mistake”. The need for a change is to make a person comfortable to be vocal saying “I made a mistake, I screwed up, I didn’t perform well, I am scared”. How will a company excel if people working in it cover up mistakes with something to distract avoiding to speak up that they have made a mistake. 

 

This what empathy exactly is. If a complete generation is troubled and struggling yet constantly failing, maybe the reason is not THEM. The reason for all my failures is no one else but ME. We grow up in an environment around our grandparents or parents or siblings always there to give us empathy. Aren’t we the same born human being as we grow up?

 

I conclude with saying EMPATHY is something a leader extending their support and help need for the people to perform better and the people will return the Managers with expected performances directly boosting the Company’s growth. 

WHY ARE WE UNHAPPY?

I love travelling & I also am a motorcyclist by passion. Living this passion led me to different destinations in India. I happened to come across various individuals suffering who left me shocked. I was not shocked to see them with problems of poverty or disability or being left undiscovered and unheard for relief. I was shocked to see them being CONTENT. Their happiness was confronting every problem I could perceive. Not all of them were as happy but shockingly they were so genuinely satisfied. Ever since I am fascinated about knowing the true means to attain happiness. I have thought about it from both economic and social perspective.

 

What is fascinating is, it’s not just me, you or somebody it adds largely everyone who are bad predictors of happiness. We are wealthier than ever but unhappier than ever, we are prosperous but more depressed and being less satisfied. We have fast means of transport but we have faster means to criticize than before. There are places I have heard have more suicides than homicides and comparatively we have better resources, goods, services, innovation and technology rising exponentially but we don’t see the corresponding change in our happiness and our life satisfaction. Perhaps it is one of the greater PARADOXES of our time. It obviously rises a question to "why are governments and individuals such bad predictors of happiness and why is it that we get it wrong so often". I think it is because we fail to understand the reason behind we often being unhappy. Through research, readings, observation and analysis  I found an explanation far more compulsive and persuasive than others. The explanation isn’t about we getting so many choices making us stressed nor we are economically worst-off in many cases we are better than others. The explanation which is convincing and compulsive is EXPECTATIONS. At a very basic level when our expectations of reality do not match the experiences of our reality, simply expectations and realities do not match that makes us unhappy. The difference is termed as an EXPECTATION GAP. We humans form our expectations on majorly three decision making models & reasoning viz. imagination gap, inter personal gap and inter-temporal gap. 

 

Firstly, the imagination gap is something when imaginations and realities do not match. Like when we travel some place for a vacation or buy a car we do have many options to choose from. We tend to choose the one that we 'think' is going to be the best. So, we maximise our utility at given price of our thinking, that’s how most of us make our decisions. To think otherwise can be the choices we made that we thought wouldn’t be as good. Now the problem is the very decision depending on what we 'THINK' is good, that imagination is the reason that undermines our happiness. The choices we made as per our imaginative expectation has far more possibilities that it will not match the reality leading to disappointment.Primarily we check details on digital platforms on our smartphones or tabs and get fascinated wherein those images have filters or either have been enhanced to make it look attractive. Advancement in technology is one of reasons for our perseverance and imagination.What technology does is distorts reality and makes unreal seem real. When we are the happiest we tend to stubble upon things never expected. We are in a phase were our expectations are rising and realities are crushing them. When you have the technology of persuasion and selection bias it means we imagine, demand and expect more from what reality has to offers us. When the limitless nature of our minds is confined by the nature of earth we are unhappy and disappointed making imagination expectation the first reason for making us unhappy.

Mona Lisa Painting on the left we see as sponsored posts or advertisements on digital platforms
Mona Lisa Painting when we actually spend go to France 

Secondly, the interpersonal gap is when we compare our realities with the realities of others. We judge ourselves depending on what we experience around us. When athletes competing in a Running Race Event, the winner of the race gets a Gold Medal is the happiest, the athlete coming second in or Runners-up gets a Silver Medal is not quite happy lastly the second runner-up getting a Bronze Medal is smiling considering at-least procured a place in the winners stand. Your gain is someone’s pain and your pain is someone gain unfortunately it’s a zero-sum game. Its not just relative income that matters its also relative appearance that sometimes matter as well. One person’s plastic surgery is another person’s psychological loss making it yet another reason for our unhappiness.

 

Finally, the inter-temporal gap is where we compare our past experiences with our present reality. We anchor ourselves to our past and if we are constantly improving, exceeding expectations and constantly moving forward you're generally happy. As parents, often we end up spoiling our children as we give them the best but often the best intensions don’t lead you to the best outcomes. Yes we should support our children and give them everything we can but not to forget if we give them everything it is harder for them to get a positive inter-temporal gradient making it harder for them to improve over time in life and undermines their happiness. Another problem in parents, we tend to repeatedly tell our children about how special, different and unique they are and they will either do better than their parents or anyone more famous/successful like Bill Gates or Britney Spears. We are in turn increasing their expectations and when they start with an average job or fail in the business like most do, they are disappointed and unhappy because their expectations aren’t satisfied. 

 

Happiness is largely determined by expectations and expectations are determined from what we consider as normal. This normal depends on our imagination, things around us and depends on our past. So we have this constant battle between expectations and our reality. We need to self-accept that reality can or cannot have a part of our imagination. In terms of the interpersonal battle we should realize something called as self-development and self-achievements learn to compete with ourselves rather than others. Finally for the intertemporal battle, we should support our kids and give them what we can and also make them realize when its impossible. We should avoid feeding them unrealistic expectations.