SELF LOVE

 

Have you ever asked yourself “what defines me as a person and makes me the person I am”? Most of us characterise ourselves through a physical image of our profession, bank balance and mostly on what are people's opinion about us. We initially determine ourselves through three things termed as people’s opinion about us, our personality and physical appearance (physique for boys | figure for girls) and our relationships. The very initial need of pleasing people ti make everyone to like us. The more likeable we are the chances of us being needed, important and popular. Shaping us to a person that everyone would like. Simply said a life on opinion of others. It goes relentlessly immoral when we indulge in attaining the perfect physique/figure by dieting and cutting down on our meals. Furthermore getting in a relationship where we believe happiness comes from that one person we are affectionate to and we manage to pressurise them to be everything to us in exchange of making us feel worthy. Resulting the relationship to end and leaving us devastating/heart broken. So, broken that we lose our sense of identity, the only reason being that we do not know ourselves at all. 

 

Going forward we heal ourselves listening to positive affirmations, reading motivational books and seeking methods to find our happiness for ourselves. Thus, realising our capabilities of being our own self. To rectify our earlier mistakes of letting these things to control and consume our lives we seek happiness around these things and never ever seem to find it. Overlooking the fact that happiness is something we create on our terms for ourselves. The world that we live in is something we create for ourselves regardless to worldly society we actually live in. It’s about an individual's world each and every one of us experiences. This is where we shape ourselves, our worlds and our lives too. There is only one part of the universe we can all be certain about changing and that’s ourselves. 

 

Self-love is a state of appreciation for oneself that grows from actions that support our physical, psychological and spiritual growth. Self-love means having high regards to your own well-being and happiness, taking care of your own needs and not to sacrifice it to please others. Self-love means not settling for less than you deserve.

I came across a wonderful book named Fifteen Invaluable Laws by John Maxwell. The writer summarising facts we often ignore quotes “As children our bodies grow automatically a year goes by we get taller we become stronger become capable of doing more things facing new challenges. But a lot of us carry a subconscious belief into adulthood. That spiritual, mental and emotional growth occurs automatically too”. Personal growth has to be intentional and we need to take ownership of our growth process because we do not simply improve by coincidence. It's only when we focus our energy on getting to know and spending more time by ourselves resulting in learning more about ourselves. We need to make ourselves a priority in our lives and self-discovery is the best gift we can present ourselves.

 

Many people may think putting ourselves first is being selfish but it actually means taking a stand, looking at yourself saying “I will do everything in my power to see myself succeed and fulfil my dreams. I am going to make the best choices in my life, surround myself with self-chosen correct people that add value to me”. Once we decide to love who we are, we can take that self-love and spread it to other's. Without self-love, we are limiting our ability to add ourselves into lives of other people and add value to them. Living the best version of our self inspires other people to follow to live their best version as well. 

 

The relationship we have with ourselves is priority and important. It is how we see and treat ourselves reciprocating to how we treat other people. It is irrational to give love to other's when we don’t love our selves first. We must now think of every person that surrounds us asking ourselves “are these people adding value or helping me grow into the person I wish to become”. Then finally ask to ourselves “am I adding value to me?” These two questions are crucial since people we are alongside life has major impact and influence in our personality, growth and development. Nevertheless, we ourself are the biggest impact and influence dwellers in our lives. 

So, if the answer to these two questions is NO, then let's decide today that we go through a transformation. If you decide to take that transformation do not just place a small amount of value to yourself since it is guaranteed that the world will not raise your worth. KNOW YOUR OWN SELF-WORTH. Concluding on a positive note, let’s start focusing, developing and improving ourselves for good thing will surely come along. It is about time you notice the gap between where you are currently and where you see yourself can be achieved only with constant growth. This thing called life happening alongside is genuinely difficult yet worth living. Wishing you all a life where you have high regards for yourself, prioritise yourself and appreciate your gift called life. Love yourself and the world will love you back inevitably.

Depression: A disease or an Epidemic of Modern Civilization

I believe DEPRESSION is tragically misunderstood word in the entire English language. The fact is Depression has radically tow different meanings depending on the context. So, everyday conversations when people say that they are depressed, they use depression as a synonym of sadness. It’s a normal reaction to the state of our lives making all of us know the pain of Depression. Yet clinically depression is a short hand for devastating illness which is known as Major Depressive Disorder. This is a disorder that robs people off their restorative sleep robs their energy, focus, concentration, memory and their abilities to enjoy the pleasures of life. For most individual it robs them from the ability to love, work, play and will also rob them from the willingness to live. Clinical Psychologists explain it as it lights up the pain circuitry of the brain to a point that if you happen to communicate with a clinically depressed person and they speak their heart out they will tell you it is torment, agony, torturous and many attempt death as a means to escape. Depression is the major reason that drives people to suicide and *India reported 381 deaths by suicide daily in 2019, totalling 1,39,123 fatalities over the year, according to the latest National Crime Records Bureau(NCRB) data.**Close to 800 000 people die due to suicide every year, which is one person every 40 seconds. Suicide is a global epidemic and occurs throughout the lifespan not pertaining to specific gender, tradition, culture, religion or race and it’s getting worse as the rate of depression is increasing generation after generation. So, every successive birth generation has higher rates of depression than that of which preceded it. Now is the time we need to understand what’s happening around the world and what’s behind driving this epidemic. 

 

What causes Depression is a question that is pretty complicated. There are articles after articles published that have given different factors that are implicated towards the onset of depression reasoning biological, cultural, social and behavioural. If we way through the complexity we do find a common underlying pathway i.e. a primary driver or trigger called the Brains Runaway Stress Response. In simple terms, it’s the flight or fight response we adapt to stressful situations we come across at times. This response has evolved from the earlier ancestors of the human race. It was evolved as a reaction to a predator, physical threat or any form of danger and they reacted with intense physical activity which may go on for a few seconds or minutes and in some extreme cases may go on for an hour and its completely a different behaviour an individual adapts and its completely fine if the mode shuts off when its supposed to. For generations the current generation the shutting off for the stress response goes on for weeks or months and at times even for a year. When the stress response remains on it is very toxic especially to the brain and body of that very individual. It is disruptive to the neural circuit veins in the brain many of us may not have even heard off but this dispersion can directly lead to something commonly known as CLINICAL DEPRESSION. If left unchecked it can actually damage the brain over time leading to inflammatory reaction to body and brain. It is clinically proven that an inflamed brain is a depressed brain.

We have understood about certain common diseases which now are mythically taken as hereditary diseases like Diabetes, Arthritis, Thyroid, Cholesterol, many form of Cancers and currently Clinical Depression is the new commonly heard medical issue. Medical Science categorises them as inflammatory disorders. They are epidemics in the modernised industrial world and can be termed as a lifestyle disease. Speaking of lifestyle comparing our urban culture to a below the poverty line existing in cities lead a very hard life. They have high infant mortality rate, higher exposure to parasitic infection, they do live around modern civilization but not in it they do complain, get angry but they do not turn their stress response mode and do not become clinical depressed as they still live a life based on daily wage format just like non-modern days, Hunter-Gathering method. Modern time life from the industrial revolution onwards is term Industrial Mutated Environment and has been a complete mismatch between the mind, body and gene we were born with the environmental reality. 

Dr.Stephen Ilardi, a professor of clinical psychology defines it as “We were never designed for the sedentary indoor, social isolation, fast-food laden, sleep deprived, chaotic pace of modern life”.

 

If we keep inducing and countering the epidemic with anti-depressant medicine in the system we are not going to fix it. The answer lies in change of lifestyle, I don’t mean to say we should go back hunting and scavenging for food or stop innovating and adapting to modern times. We simply need to practice Lifestyle Change. A minimalistic time daily given by us for us can help fighting the epidemic causing a supressing life and many times a dreadful end to life. We have varied stories of people ending earlier than their actual time. I wish everyone a healthy, beautiful and non-depressive life.

(*Ref:https://www.theweek.in/news/india/2020/09/01/suicide-cases-in-india-ncrb-report.html)

(**Ref:https://www.who.int/teams/mental-health-and-substance-use/suicide-data)

 

WHY ARE WE UNHAPPY?

I love travelling & I also am a motorcyclist by passion. Living this passion led me to different destinations in India. I happened to come across various individuals suffering who left me shocked. I was not shocked to see them with problems of poverty or disability or being left undiscovered and unheard for relief. I was shocked to see them being CONTENT. Their happiness was confronting every problem I could perceive. Not all of them were as happy but shockingly they were so genuinely satisfied. Ever since I am fascinated about knowing the true means to attain happiness. I have thought about it from both economic and social perspective.

 

What is fascinating is, it’s not just me, you or somebody it adds largely everyone who are bad predictors of happiness. We are wealthier than ever but unhappier than ever, we are prosperous but more depressed and being less satisfied. We have fast means of transport but we have faster means to criticize than before. There are places I have heard have more suicides than homicides and comparatively we have better resources, goods, services, innovation and technology rising exponentially but we don’t see the corresponding change in our happiness and our life satisfaction. Perhaps it is one of the greater PARADOXES of our time. It obviously rises a question to "why are governments and individuals such bad predictors of happiness and why is it that we get it wrong so often". I think it is because we fail to understand the reason behind we often being unhappy. Through research, readings, observation and analysis  I found an explanation far more compulsive and persuasive than others. The explanation isn’t about we getting so many choices making us stressed nor we are economically worst-off in many cases we are better than others. The explanation which is convincing and compulsive is EXPECTATIONS. At a very basic level when our expectations of reality do not match the experiences of our reality, simply expectations and realities do not match that makes us unhappy. The difference is termed as an EXPECTATION GAP. We humans form our expectations on majorly three decision making models & reasoning viz. imagination gap, inter personal gap and inter-temporal gap. 

 

Firstly, the imagination gap is something when imaginations and realities do not match. Like when we travel some place for a vacation or buy a car we do have many options to choose from. We tend to choose the one that we 'think' is going to be the best. So, we maximise our utility at given price of our thinking, that’s how most of us make our decisions. To think otherwise can be the choices we made that we thought wouldn’t be as good. Now the problem is the very decision depending on what we 'THINK' is good, that imagination is the reason that undermines our happiness. The choices we made as per our imaginative expectation has far more possibilities that it will not match the reality leading to disappointment.Primarily we check details on digital platforms on our smartphones or tabs and get fascinated wherein those images have filters or either have been enhanced to make it look attractive. Advancement in technology is one of reasons for our perseverance and imagination.What technology does is distorts reality and makes unreal seem real. When we are the happiest we tend to stubble upon things never expected. We are in a phase were our expectations are rising and realities are crushing them. When you have the technology of persuasion and selection bias it means we imagine, demand and expect more from what reality has to offers us. When the limitless nature of our minds is confined by the nature of earth we are unhappy and disappointed making imagination expectation the first reason for making us unhappy.

Mona Lisa Painting on the left we see as sponsored posts or advertisements on digital platforms
Mona Lisa Painting when we actually spend go to France 

Secondly, the interpersonal gap is when we compare our realities with the realities of others. We judge ourselves depending on what we experience around us. When athletes competing in a Running Race Event, the winner of the race gets a Gold Medal is the happiest, the athlete coming second in or Runners-up gets a Silver Medal is not quite happy lastly the second runner-up getting a Bronze Medal is smiling considering at-least procured a place in the winners stand. Your gain is someone’s pain and your pain is someone gain unfortunately it’s a zero-sum game. Its not just relative income that matters its also relative appearance that sometimes matter as well. One person’s plastic surgery is another person’s psychological loss making it yet another reason for our unhappiness.

 

Finally, the inter-temporal gap is where we compare our past experiences with our present reality. We anchor ourselves to our past and if we are constantly improving, exceeding expectations and constantly moving forward you're generally happy. As parents, often we end up spoiling our children as we give them the best but often the best intensions don’t lead you to the best outcomes. Yes we should support our children and give them everything we can but not to forget if we give them everything it is harder for them to get a positive inter-temporal gradient making it harder for them to improve over time in life and undermines their happiness. Another problem in parents, we tend to repeatedly tell our children about how special, different and unique they are and they will either do better than their parents or anyone more famous/successful like Bill Gates or Britney Spears. We are in turn increasing their expectations and when they start with an average job or fail in the business like most do, they are disappointed and unhappy because their expectations aren’t satisfied. 

 

Happiness is largely determined by expectations and expectations are determined from what we consider as normal. This normal depends on our imagination, things around us and depends on our past. So we have this constant battle between expectations and our reality. We need to self-accept that reality can or cannot have a part of our imagination. In terms of the interpersonal battle we should realize something called as self-development and self-achievements learn to compete with ourselves rather than others. Finally for the intertemporal battle, we should support our kids and give them what we can and also make them realize when its impossible. We should avoid feeding them unrealistic expectations.