MONEY, a cultural taboo!!

 

We've heard people say that there is only one path to success and happiness. Going to school, getting good grades, getting into a good college, graduating to get a job, finding your partner, getting promoted, buying a car, a home and one day you will be happy. Like everyone I too am following that path and through all the trials and tribulations the financial disasters and successes. I realised that discussion about life milestones was actually a discussion about money. So, why is it that we talk religiously about achieving all these in life, avoiding the topic that runs it - M.O.N.E.Y. The reason behind why are we taught history and chemistry but not about Banking and investments. The topic of money impacting our abilities to have the best of lives is avoided. We are indirectly having these conversations about money already by the clothes we wear, the cars we drive, the homes we live in and the photos we share on social media ! #just_saying 

Financial knowledge is life-changing and has empowered me to get from where I was to where I am today. Let’s understand and break the social taboo about money beginning with asking ourselves “WHAT IS MONEY TO US?”. Most of us have answers as common to:

1) Money is power 

2) Money is evil 

3) Money makes me feel good 

4) Money is something that is necessary 

The answer to that question explains  your relationship with money . Eliminating that any of those answers are wrong but simply money is a tool we need and we need to master earning it.  In order for us to achieve our best lives, we do not think of money as something more than a tool. But a tool that we need in order to build the life we dreamt of.The life that would make us proud so making us assume that money is a very complicated topic. Though there are simple truths about money which we fail to see, understand and imply in our lives. Here are five practices: 

1. Save more than you can spend. 

2. Invest early and frequently. 

3. Pay the debt and use credit occasionally. 

4. Build assets 

5. Have multiple and passive incomes. 

SIMPLE & EASY !

Financial Well Being 

Money, well being and financial wellness is something that empowers every individual. It sparks the curiosity when it funnels down to a fairly misunderstood concept that it's boring or it's not engaging enough. Everyone of us has either bought our friends a drink or split it. We tend to split the bill to a limit  where we had a salad and the friend had an appetiser wit dessert for dinner. The philosophy of purposeful living can be achieved through financial decision making. Financial wellness is about our health, wealth and the overall quality of life. It is has never been financial goals on the contrary it is about life goals. Let’s close our eyes, envision our dream lifestyle and ask ourselves: “What brings joy and happiness into my life?” 

We start thinking about our current financial realities - monthly instalments to the car, calling debtors, need of taking care of our ageing parents and their health care expenses. The chances are having thoughts about our financial situation but unable to think about the dream lifestyle. If there were no income goals or financial obligations how we spend our time defines our values and we trade our time for a pay check. We work 8 hours a day and five days a week for it ignoring the truth of loosing on something more priceless being our lives. The thought of expenses that do not matter to us makes it a complete waste. Therefore, what a waste of lives.

 How we knew everything about money?

1. Our parents must have taken out time and explained us through their learnings and definitions about money.

2. We are fortunate enough to take birth in a wealthy family.

It was easier for my parents to talk about religion, politics, career options and future responsibilities. Parents are hard-working, they make sure that we as their children have the best of food, shelter and clothes to wear whereas, they did not want us to think about money terming it as an offence. I still remember the day of my first pay check ,I held it in my hand and stared at it thinking I had my own money and I didn't have to go to my parents asking them.  Growing up I believed that money is the only answer to all problems leading me chasing money instead of chasing the purpose of life. I cleared entrance exams for admission and that followed an internship leading to multiple jobs. Motive was to stay happy one day!

With the past and present I had many unspoken realities, I started blogging. My family always wanted to know my plan for life because the goal is to provide access and information, to be open about my story. After spending years meeting people, jobs, failures and experiences I realised that the secrets of financial wellness and well-being is having a VISION for our lives. That vision can change our hopes and dreams. In our thoughts it is important when we are talking about money we need to clarify our values. We need a financial plan in order to do so.

I want to close off by mentioning that one Sunday Morning rides, we had been to a place nearby called the fog city, Igatpuri. It is indeed a beautiful place and I remember standing there staring out into the mountain range and seeing the morning dew. I was completely fascinated like I can be here forever. Well until that moment of mine was disrupted when two ridding pals said this is the same thing over and over again. As we were about to leave, I realised that we could be listening, watching or experiencing a repetitive or similar expression directly depends on how we perceive it. For the matter of fact, how we perceive that can be quite different. My learnings for that day was “Our perception is what matters and we can change our perspectives. When it comes to money we clear about our financial situation. As we accept that reality we start sharing our financial stories of success and failure.We give hope out to others where hope is hearing other people's experiences. Our ability to share the information or experiences to others empowers individuals. Now is when they realise that their situation is not something without a solution. I challenge you today to break the social taboo about money, free yourself from any shame, guilt or judgment you have had about your finances. Give hope to others and to yourself too. Believe that knowledge is power and financial knowledge is life-changing. This realisation mere understanding will make you happy that very moment. 

How Cultures Drive Behaviours

I was in Dubai. I was sitting by the JBR beach front which is one of the most visited public beaches in the city. Suddenly, a man came and sat next to me, and started talking to me, so I turned to him and I answered. Then I turned back and I asked myself, "Why is he talking to me?”. Suddenly, I realised, “Zohaib, you're becoming Indian.” So I turned to the man and I said, "Sorry, I live in a country where we have been guided that we don't speak to strangers.” In India, it is not that people don't speak to strangers or each other at all; though starting a conversation happens in a much more framed and thought over manner. I was not expecting this man as a stranger to come and talk to me. However, because I have spent my early childhood in the Gulf though another country where that type of behaviour is totally normal as there are Arabs and expatriates from various countries crossing each other regularly. However, my mental programming has changed soon after shifting base from Dammam, Saudi Arabia to Mumbai, India. My brain has been rewired, because during the last one and half decade I've lived in a secular country in south of Asia which is called India.

When you move to a different country, there are three ways that you can relate to the culture: you can confront, complain, or conform. When you confront, you strongly believe that your behaviours are the right ones. When you complain, you mostly isolate yourself into social bubbles of foreigners living in social structures with the society. And finally when you confront, you adapt your way to behave to the whole society, then you can truly benefit from diversity. But that implies that you are observing, learning, understanding the behaviours of others and adapting your own to fit yourself in the behaviours of the society you're in.

I was in the east of Saudi Arabia, in a beautiful region of Mecca and I was there with my parents for a pilgrimage. We were visiting the beautiful region where our beloved Prophet Muhammad (peace be upon him) first received revelations and divine messages revealed by angel Gabriel from 609-632 C.E. in a cave on Mount Hira (a.k.a. Jabal an-Nour), near Mecca. After the guided tour, we asked some more questions to the guide as he was explaining us with passion about the importance of the cave and then suddenly he stopped. He took a step to my father he shook him. And then he looked at me and said, "Why is he not interested in what I'm saying?" Because he was not getting the emotional feedback he was used to receive. He was seeing his emotional feedback through his own cultural glasses. The fact that my father had a neutral face on what it would mean if someone from his culture would have that face and that would mean that the person was not interested or didn't want to be there. And we all see the world through cultural glasses.The lens through which your brain sees the world shapes your reality. If you can change the lens, not only can you change the way your brain perceives behaviours, but you can change the way people relate to cultural differences. Embedded within that statement is the key to benefiting from diversity.

Gender equality and women empowerment in India and across the world has been an important consideration from many years now. There are strict reservations for female candidates in education, profession, politics and much more. However, the reason for such consideration is that the governments are putting in place a social culture where women and men are considered with similar authorities and this is equality of result. Everyone do not get similar opportunities to flourish to their complete potential, but the result is that we still have a balance in society. We enforce diversity, and there is a good reason to do this. Cultural diversity increases problem-solving ability. It increases creativity and innovation. The real challenge, to make people being able to communicate well together. And this done majorly through explaining cultural differences. 

Most people around the world are raised with teachings that they will contribute to a group or society and interdependent on their members. This affects the way people behave. Other parts of the world, especially the Western world, children are raised to be independent and to be self-sufficient, and create an independent individual in society, and it changes their behaviours.

The Difference 

The basic principle tells a lot about how we are going to expect a friendship to look like. In Indian culture the friendship is much stronger. People are closely bound and  dependent on each other, invited to every event or celebration which the very good friend will do. However, in other cultures, friendship are distant. On asking a Scandinavian about what a good friend was like they will probably reply "It is someone I can sit in silence in a room and feel comfortable." If you tell this to an Indian, they won't understand what the principle is. This is about friendship, love, and contact with people is one of the six basic human needs. If you're not able to see how this friendship and love is communicated to you because you are blinded by your cultural glasses, you will spend years believing you have no friends. You will spend years believing that people are rejecting you. It is about changing these cultural glasses. This is when you know that an Indian bus stop is full and that you need to stand.

What happens if you sit in the middle?

It could very well be that one of the two persons stands up, takes a step aside, starts playing on his phone. Now, what if you look different? What if you're wearing a religious symbol? How easy it is to believe that the person has moved away because you're of a different skin colour or of a different religion? A typical cultural misunderstanding and a very basic of human interactions: you've came into the personal space of someone who has a much bigger personal space. In most cultures in the world, there's place for 4 people on that bench. Not understanding these very subtle physical differences with people will actually lead to lot of miscommunication. 

It is quite understood and seen prominently in cultures also being able to feel the distance between people which varies in every culture not to forget to keep politeness as priority. Politeness is a concept which is very much culturally related. It's a group of norms and social codes that everyone obeys to, so that communication goes well in the society and in certain societies it is very strict.

You change the way - you're changing the words in the sentence.

In other places, politeness might only mean not to disturb others, to leave more space, both in friendship and physical space. And if you happen to move to another country where there is no one who defines you what politeness means, how can you expect that someone will behave.

The key here is to benefit from diversity.

Everyone sees the world through cultural glasses. It's not about what you see; it's about what you perceive. It's not about what you see; it's about what you perceive. And it is by taking small step that we will one day help the world to truly benefit from diversity.

Could You Live Without a Smartphone?

People off-late are busy with their mobile phones walking on the street, crossing the road or travelling on public transport to their offices and often see people bumping into each other or stumbling over objects on the road. Does it happen to you to text, phone, check your Facebook timeline or maybe catch a Candy Crush while you’re walking?  How many of these times do you actually have to go online? Well, we check our devices, about 221 times per day according to a research or about every 4.3 minutes of the time we don’t sleep.

Well, we live in an economy based on distraction. The more web pages we browse through more brand advertisements can pop up, and so the more money ad space companies can make. Their success metrics are based around how much time we spend using their app, or we were on their website, not on how productive or focused we are. Two years ago, around the same time of the year, I decided to give up my smartphone, and replace it with a very basic phone just for incoming and outgoing calls. At the time, I was working in a senior position in digital marketing agency, which means that I was connected pretty much 24/7. I slept with my phone, I kept checking it all the time, and even felt it vibrating in my pocket or I hear any mobile phone ringing to check if mine is ringing. At times forgetting the fact I was out with family or the person I wish to spend the most of my time with. Giving up my smartphone was one of the best decisions that I have ever made. And today, I want to share with you my key learnings from the journey of taking back control over my time and my life. But, before we do that let me give you all a little challenge.

THE CHALLENGE: 

Given that we check our devices about every 4.3 minutes, this means that you will feel an urge to check your device three or four times during my talk. So, I want to challenge you to resist this urge and count how many times you will succeed in doing that.

LESSONS LEARNT:

ONE : You are more addicted to your device than you think. But you’re also much more resourceful. Now, increasing the time limit we go for 5 minutes without our devices?

A psychologist, David Greenfield, says “the Internet is like a slot machine: you never know what you’re going to find inside”. And this variability of the reward releases dopamine, the neurohormone of pleasure and anticipation of the reward. The problem with dopamine is that excessive stimulation of your brain that is caused by dopamine creates addiction. This is exactly how drugs work. They first make you feel excited, but then you have to go back and take a new dose, to have the same feeling. So devices use the same principles. You never know what you’re going to expect in your message, mailbox or on social media, right? One day you post a picture or a status getting a “Like” and then the next day it increases to 50 “Likes.” WOW! You fee l great. That’s Dopamine release. But then the excitement fades pretty quickly, and you need to go back to your device to feel good again. 

Technology is purposefully designed the way to make us use it over and over again. We also feel dependent on our gadgets, because we have outsourced too many important functions to them. Did you go on Google Maps or any other kind of online maps, and look up your way even though you kind of knew how to get there? This is exactly what I mean, we easily get into the habit of not trusting ourselves. Well, I discovered it’s not actually very easy to get lost in Mumbai. There are walking maps all around. And all I needed to do was to ask my way once before I start. I realise that I have outsourced to technology too many things that were important to me, that made me human, like my sense of orientation and direction, my memories of spaces and certain events, and it felt great to gain them back.

All I wanted, when I was giving up my smartphone, was to have a little bit more clarity in my brain and not to feel so overwhelmed. And what I unexpectedly gained was a feeling that I will find my way no matter what both physically and metaphorically. And, of course, a great chat up with strangers to make new connections. 

TWO : If you want to change your digital habits, do not rely on your willpower. Instead, create structures around you to support you in that.

Our brain is very lazy. So when we repeat a certain action over and over again, it starts organising our brain cells, neurones, into particular chains so that it is easier to pass the information through those chains. This makes our behaviour automatic and unconscious. And this is exactly what notifications do. They prompt us to come back to our device over and over again, up until our behaviour becomes automatic and unconscious. According to a report, 87% of Android users and 48% of iOS users opt in for receiving app notifications on their devices. In other words, all these people allow their devices to decide how they will behave. Once these chains are formed, it takes quite a long time and effort to undo them, and relying on your willpower doesn’t help.

For the first time, when it took me five months from the decision of giving up my smartphone to actually doing it. And for the second time, when after about a year of not owning any smartphone I got one back, which I thought, I would only use as a spare device, in case my laptop breaks down and I need to talk to clients over Skype. I certainly learned it twice.  And in no time, I found myself using it all the time. The neural path was still there. Now, it felt incredibly embarrassing, because at the time I was already an example of digital detox and I obviously was not walking my talk, but it also gave me great insights into the real challenges that people who do not want to give up their devices altogether face. So I developed four principles that helped me take back control over my time and my life, and I want to share those principles and these are: time management, space management, relationship management, and self-management. These principles help re-establish the boundaries that technology removes between our work and private lives, or between our public and private lives. So, explaining about them further in detail.

1)Time management:

We need to give up on the idea that we have to be connected or accessible 24/7.  Now of course that everything is very important, the truth being very few things really are. Remember, it is your attention that is a real scarcity in the age of information technology. It is something like with food, you can have all the food you desire to have in your fridge, but this does not mean that you need to eat it all and all at once. So my top tip is to disable all notifications on your devices, use delayed email function to avoid being distracted by emails, and use blocking apps to make sure that you’re accessing certain websites only at a certain time and not being distracted by them at other times. This way, you are in charge of where you’re getting information, as opposed to being dictated by technology. And to give an example, Ratan Tata, who is Ex Chairman of Tata Group and Tata Sons, has been using his smartphone as a gaming device as a source of entertainment. And, believe me, he’s a much busier guy than most of us.  Also, do not multitask online. So, do not switch between different tabs or between different devices. An experiment proves that the more we multitask, the worse we become at it, we unlearn our brain to do that. Well, you will still likely get distracted, but you can plan for it. So incorporate five minutes of distraction time every now and then in your work routine, but only after you’re done with a chunk of work and as a reward only. Again, this way, you are taking back control over your time.

2)Space management:

Space management is all about where you want to have connection, and where you want to have silence.

Have you ever thought 

⁃ Why the most expensive areas in the city are usually the quietest ones?

⁃ Why is it that, in airport business lounges, there is hardly any sound or music or advertising?

⁃ Why is silence valued so highly? 

Well, this is because it’s only in silence that our brain gets an opportunity to process information that we have been feeding into it. We cannot take good conscious decisions or be creative if we are overwhelmed. And we are always overwhelmed when we go online, because our brain is not good at multitasking. So, do not bring the devices into the areas where you process information, where you have rest. This includes your bedroom and your dining table. Your device is just a tool. It is not part of you. As any tool, your devices need their own places.

3) Relationship management:

When I was still working for an advertising agency, we had a client who kept sending us hundreds and hundreds of emails daily to make sure that we’re on the track of delivering the project. In fact, it was his emails that kept us away from doing the work, because all we were doing was just reading and answering them. So, we have built a job timeline that allowed us to show to the client the progress we’re making in real time without any involvement. In a week’s time, the email rate dropped so considerably that we were finally able to get the work done. We still don’t have a digital etiquette as to how people can best contact you, so you can get an equally important message via WhatsApp, Skype, email, you name it. The moral is you need to heavily manage people’s expectations as to how they can contact you. For example, before I meet somebody, I ask them to send me a text message if anything changes. Because I don’t have Internet on my phone. And it works really well. What do you do, however, if you work for a company that expects you to be connected and on top of everything for 24/7?

Well, first things first, stop contributing to this mess by cc’ing everyone.If you want to receive fewer emails, send fewer emails. Second, you might want to mention a few statistics to your colleagues and bosses.

If this doesn’t help, then you can try moving to a different country, like France and Brazil where they have now the so-called rights to disconnect laws, where that, among other things, regulate whether the person has the right not to read work-related emails after the working hours.

4) Self Management:

Self-management is the last cornerstone of changing your digital behaviour, and the most tricky part. Because it does not help, it doesn’t work, if you prohibit yourself from going online. Because your brain still needs the excitement of dopamine.

So, instead, you need to be thinking about where you will take this dopamine from? What will you do with all this free time that all of a sudden you will have available? And this is where I want to share with you my last key learning, and why I think I failed for so long to give up my smartphone. I just did not want to deal with my own problems. When you don’t have anything that distracts you, then you will have to start dealing with the stuff you have been running away from. We often go online not because we need to, but because we have some internal trigger to do that. Maybe we want to feel Important, or maybe we are depressed. In fact, a study says that people who spent a lot of time online tend to be depressed. So, the next time you feel an urge to check your device, ask yourself: What is really triggering me to do that? Is there something I’m trying to avoid feeling or thinking about?

Once you get a life, and a natural source of dopamine, you won’t need anything to distract yourselves from yourselves. Lets pledge to value ourselves, the time we have, people we are surrounded with and the special someone who constantly feels neglected just because of your presence they may choose not to be vocal.

WILL COMFORT RUIN OUR LIFE?

It was soon after I completed my Masters in Management Studies my internship of the last semester had converted into a full time job by now. I was the marketing and franchise executive to a Fitness Center with a nice salary (some amount of my own), annual bonuses, gym membership with a personal trainer and all the other perks. Everything was on track and on Monday, December 12^th, 2011 at six o’clock in the evening, in a small consultation room on the same floor, the Owner of the Fitness Center wanted to have a quick meeting with me and the sales manager which was pretty unusual since he always communicated with us stopping by the corridor. The meeting turned out to be even more brief than expected. He informed both of us that he has decided to lease the premises with business and asked us to discontinue from the very next day since the new management have hired their staff.

I’ll never forget how his words just sucked the breath right out of me. We left the conference room in a dazed state I went home straight into my bedroom and stared outside the window  for three hours before my dad knocked on the door calling out for dinner. While I could go on in vivid detail about how I felt, what it did to my self-esteem, my finances and so on. What I now realise is while that event created the greatest amount of discomfort I had ever felt, it was that discomfort, the departure from my ordered life that forever changed it for the better. The ordered life was to be stuck to one organisation with good salary and stable with scope of growth something like hat my father was already doing and so were my cousins of my age.

I believe, What Makes You Comfortable Can Ruin You, & The Only Way To Grow Makes You Uncomfortable.

Now I suppose on January 11th had somebody come up and said “Hey, getting fired is a good thing because now you’re really going to grow!” I probably would have punched them on their face. But pretty quickly I became motivated to start a new journey. And after a couple years off work with various other organisation in different job roles and finally to my current stress and pain management business. My partner and I had this realisation on how to illustrate and apply the science of discomfort and growth.

From the knowledge and the learnings from various modalities we practice we understood the the concept of "The Growth Rings”.

The Growth Rings represent living environments that promote or obstruct growth including everything right from your place of work, to even the safest environment called home.Consider the fish bowl and the size of a gold fish in its environment, and while the goldfish lives in a very safe environment it is also very limiting in every way. When placed in a more sturdy environment, a small pond.  This can result the fish could be eaten. This is us  -  the environments in which you work, live and play all are a proven fish bowl that dictates our growth. 

The First Growth Ring represents a low performing, low growth environment called Stagnation. Stagnation is understood by having to follow too many steps, permissions and details that choke creativity, independent thought and action. To imagine an environment such as this, think no further than our culture, family name & heritage driven family homes. Now the reverse of stagnation is chaos, also low growth and low performing, chaos can be caused by internal or external events or conditions. We see chaos occur at times in business mergers, natural disasters, and horrific events like 26/11. Chaos is having zero predictability or control over inputs and outcomes. 

Now the Growth Rings next to Stagnation is the most desirable environment. Knowing what to do or what is happening in the environment leads to a predictable outcome, and in predictability comfort is found. But comfort, is also what makes it so dangerous, because observation shows that any time you continually do something or even think about something the same way, you will eventually stop growing where this applies to every living thing . So, before you continue to limit the way you think and act, remember Growth ONLY occurs in a state of discomfort.

Now think about the power of the statement can absolutely state I wouldn’t be writing blogs today without my uncomfortable and disrupting day nine years ago. When you feel the discomfort, that means you’ve entered  the second ring.

Complexity the second ring is nothing more than change, but when your changed outcomes are no longer predictable, and it is the unpredictability that makes you uncomfortable. While most times our gut response to discomfort is not just “no”, but “never ever would I”, you can actually learn how empowering it is to consciously acknowledge discomfort. I know seeking discomfort sounds odd, but we have to learn to embrace it, because it’s the only environment where sustained growth can occur. To weave high growth complexity into the fabric of our lives, there are three primary ways it can be triggered:

Complexity trigger 1  -  It can be forced on you

When I got terminated I didn’t have a chance to stay in that state. Complexity was selected for me, and when this happens how much you grow depends on how you respond to it. Now, I could have remained angry and used it as an excuse, but learnt I am bad as an employee, and I’m much better off accepting the risks of running my own organisation.

Complexity trigger 2  -  Someone can help you get there

This is the role of parents, teachers, coaches and bosses, because left on their own people will consciously or subconsciously select the comfort and they then need to be pushed into complexity in order to continue growing. This is where critical developmental decisions are made. Because, if the parents, teacher, coaches or bosses would have intervened and would have wanted to know what is making us so uncomfortable, then they would have done everything they could to try to get us happy again. What these roles mentioned earlier would have had was removing the complexity. Well, the best part is everyone can trigger complexity at any time.

Complexity trigger 3  -  Trigger it yourself

It is the complexity of forcing people, communities or other larger authorities into discomfort, and the subsequent impact that can occur any time someone elects to move from the set possibility. So, it’s not the discomfort of losing a job but it’s set possibility you should fear the most for it is a threat.  

Concluding I would say the possibility disrupting people like Mahatma Gandhi, Bhagat Singh, Indira Gandhi, Ratan Tata and maybe even a few of us have already proven that it is not the complexity triggering individuals or events we should scared. It’s our own willingness to accept or seek discomfort that will demand the growth of not only you, but the entire world consisting people we are linked to directly or indirectly. 

As we all know the emeritus Chairman to Tata Sons and Tata Group Ratan Tata has been possibility disrupter of our time. From manufacturing and launching automobiles in India to outright purchase of Jaguar & Land Rover. In his early days completing studies in United States of America he had no plans coming back to India and join Tata Steel. He had been hired and working at IBM Computers for fifteen days until one day when his great grand-father J.R.D. Tata called him and spoke to him on the importance of working in their family business. Leading Ratan Tata coming to India and start working on the shop floors of Tata Steel. Today, Ratan Tata is an Industrialist, Philanthropist, Investor and is the most influential Business magnate India has ever seen. Think what if he would have either stayed back in the United States continuing his job or stayed back home while others ran Tata Sons and Tata Group?

Sitting on a comfortable spot can cost us possibilities of growth and later on in life we are left with regrets and complain about not being offered or picking chances that came into our lives before. So get up, quit your comfort and break the stereo type of set possibilities choose growth over mimicking or following someone’s life. The stories of people we have either read, seen or heard have played their part in their time. The phase we stay in is our time to shine. We shine as bright as them in our era.

Don’t Believe Everything you think !!

 

The elephant has incredible strength. It can uproot a tree with its trunk alone. Yet it will remain in captivity, held only with a light rope. Despite its ability to easily break away, it doesn’t even try.

Why?

It starts when the elephant is young. It is first tied down when its small and not yet strong enough to break the rope. It will try initially as hard as it can to break free, and keep trying but eventually realise it won’t be possible. Suddenly, something attaches itself to that elephant stronger than any rope or chain or fence. It’s the belief that it can’t break free. It’s this belief that holds it back despite the strength and ability. I’ve had these same beliefs and I know you may have too, beliefs that held me back, beliefs that led me to feel unfulfilled in my work, to struggle in my relationships and to live a life that was far from the one I am living now. It was only when I became aware of my ropes and actively pulled against them that I found myself in a different reality.

HOW DO YOU BREAK THE ROPES THAT TIE YOU DOWN?

Don’t believe everything you think.

In my teen days, I was bold, outgoing and fearless. I wore message tees that I liked wearing then or it can be phrased as I didn’t wear guided clothes, guided by my self thoughts that told me what would make me happy. I even had a crush and later dated her briefly. As with everything else, I wasn’t afraid to flaunt what I wanted on life. As I grew older, this ‘me’ started to fade. My liveliness was replaced with cowardice, my resistance with obedience, my boldness with fear. I don’t think any of us leave childhood without some ropes despite our parents best intentions. I grew up with parents who were determined to give me the perfect life. Armed with love and good intentions, they are still doing everything for me to help me be perfect. Right from packing my suitcase for the school trip perfectly, extended help in a school project, and then dad would add his master strokes to make it better. Later he told me when my choice of friend or gang of friends weren’t worth it. Although they just wanted what was best for me, I stopped knowing what was best for me. An unconscious rope was formed. I shouldn’t trust my own chatter box of thoughts and my own ability, and I feared not being perfect. Other ropes attached themselves too. As I grew up the family started to fill up with yelling, loud voices and strong opinions. To keep the peace, I learned to stay quiet, and started to keep a low profile like being invisible at home . In school/college, I experienced and learnt that it’s more important to blend in than stand out. And the pain of being dumped cluelessly led me to hold back in my relationship so I could avoid getting hurt. 

I’m not good enough | Don’t speak up | Don’t stand out | Fear from rejection .These were my ropes.

If you’ve ever felt not good enough, lonesome, unwanted, unloved, invisible, powerless, like you don’t belong, you can’t trust yourself, trust others, speak up, stand out, ask for help, let others in, be accepted as you are — these are your ropes. These ropes hold us back.

I found myself agreeing to others opinions when I should have been forming my own, staying quiet when it would have benefited me to be vocal and blending in when I would have been happier where I had to stand out. This led me into a series of jobs that ranged from tolerable to being miserable. In one, I hoped I’d get sick so I could stay home from work. It led me into a series of relationships where I lacked conviction.  My beliefs affected the way I perceived the world, which changed how I reacted, which led to a self-fulfilling imagery. I felt small, and my world became smaller.

Post my motorcycle accident back in 2015 I was left with a third degree fracture on my leg and the broken zygoma (cheekbone) leading to diplopia and a visible squint the right eye. I had my reasons to not look at people I had conversations with forcing people to believe either lack confidence or I am arrogant and mannerless. Recently I understood what could have been a perfectly normal conversation instead became an awkward one. You see now what we believe has powerful effects. Decades of social psychology research backs this up.  How you see yourself and your circumstances will affect your observation, reaction and what materialise as a result. It’s almost as if our beliefs play a virtual to reality gaming device, a device that allows us to see things that aren’t really there and sends us into a false reality. I remember reading on of Shahrukh Khan’s interviews where he says 

“The best way to be, particularly in today’s world where everybody is telling you how you should be or shouldn’t be. My mom wanted me to become an actor but three-hour people from Mumbai whom we knew well told her I’d never make it because I was’t good looking enough. She was hurt but it didn’t bother me because all I wanted to do was to act and I assured her “main kaam karma rehunga” and thirty years later, I am a poster boy!” 

Imagine dating someone for a weeks. Then the person have to go on a work trip. For four days don’t hear a word from your partner. How would you interpret this? What will be the first thought in your head? Your beliefs may lead you to wonder what you must have done or said to make this once enthusiastic person change approach towards you.

Let me share some pre-set thoughts:

• Trust issue : “ Was sure he/she was on this trip with another woman/man.

• Fear of rejection : “ Guess he/she was probably upset because I didn’t invite him/her as my date to an upcoming event.

• Commitment issue : “ He/She probably thought we were moving too fast and was taking some space.

Each thought gauged the situation through the gaming device in your heads . Each of these assumption leads to a different response. 

• Moving too fast? — I should pull back but what if the person feels rejected.

• Feeling rejected? — I should up my calls and invite him to the event. But what if the person thinks we’re moving too fast.

As this ping-pong around your own thoughts and briefly borrowed thoughts from some friends, the relationship shall  die a slow death. Sometimes our thoughts get in the way of our relationships. Just as beliefs can hold us back, they can even propel us forward.

I finally learned this lesson. My thoughts led me to Engineering College. There my beliefs were reinforced: aim for perfection, follow the crowd, fear failure. This was a familiar path. Post my bachelors degree, without thinking much about it, I took admission for Masters Program in Business Management with the promise that MMS shall unleash my creative potentials and adding more value to my resume. To my surprise I had to study economics, accounts, business laws and scarier was to make presentations leading to pull on almost all my ropes. I had to trust my own voice because when it comes to presentation, there is by definition to speak with confidence and self belief. I had to put myself out there because making presentations do not out perform competition from playing it safe. And perhaps most importantly, I had to be willing to fail, and to not be perfect. If I wanted to get it right, I first had to be willing to get it wrong.

In my first bold move since my toddler days, I turned down to work under someone reporting and placed myself in a different reality. I experimented with different jobs and took on various freelance projects, opting to ones I previously would have rejected to due to lack of experience, trusting I could figure it out. But somewhere I was still afraid of failing and sometimes I did. I made sure my thoughts don’t stop me. Then one day, I decided to lend my marketing and business development skills to my therapist and I went on to becoming a Business Partner, helping individuals take charge on their emotions and pull them out form their limiting beliefs.

Particularly meaningful for me is now I get to give others what I missed out for so long — a more powerful medium to express and educate. I broke other ropes too.

When I was afraid of rejection and lived my life as expected, I never could have imagined revealing my insecurities to you on a website that at first is solely my idea, web design and writings. That would have sounded more like I am living the life of a famous Bollywood actor, a fancy dream and here I am writing a blog with my observations and experiences. This transition wasn’t easy or quick as it sounds. Each new thought, each new action built on the one before it until I found myself in a new reality. I still have ropes I’m working to break. 

In a world before falling and staying down now we can and should opt to get back up again undisturbed. In a world in which nothing is holding us back from our full capacity. What the Business Management course was for me, a seed that gets you to question what you have previously accepted as true, that makes you more aware of your ropes, that helps you see they were always your choice to break. No matter who you are or where you are, in this moment reading my blog, there is the life that you can be living if you break your ropes. You get there one new thought at a time, one new action at a time until one day, you find yourself in a new reality. Wishing you courage and strength to break the ropes you are held with I concluded with my experience “I shouldn’t believe everything I think”. To get the switch ‘OFF’ to my thoughts, I simply had to realise I had ropes that hold me back. Ropes broken. New beliefs lead to new actions. All the very best!!