Narcissism and it's Disconten

Definition

Narcissism is one of several types of personality disorders. It is a mental condition in which people have an inflated sense of their own importance, a deep need for excessive attention and admiration that troubles relationships and lack of empathy from others. But behind this mask of extreme confidence lies a fragile self-esteem that’s vulnerable to the slightest criticism.

 

The word 'narcissism' stems from Greek mythology. Narcissus, a young hunter and an exceptionally handsome man. One day, tired from hunting and the heat, he lies by a splendid spring. As he is drinking the water, he sees his beautiful image. He falls madly in love. He refuses to drink water from the spring for he feared that his lovely image will disappear. In time he wastes away, still enamoured with himself and his death is marked by the growth of a single flower. 

 

“NARCISSIST”, sounds offensive, doesn't it?

Social Narcissism reflects our current cultural reality. Its growth is an increasing challenge to the businesses worldwide. Narcissism is the most overused, misunderstood and  problematic word of our times. The Narcissus, in our un-mythical world, we are surrounded by these selfish, thirsty beings. Like our parched GREEK FRIEND, they are addicted to feeling special. Admiration is everything. And if left unchecked, this cyst boils over into feelings of entitlement, blame, overrating one's abilities, lashing out at criticism, arrogance and bullying, with very little room for empathy. In fact, many people award them grudging admiration for their success. This allows everyone else to replicate these abusive behaviours by either mimicking or self-developed. The definition above mentions narcissism as a medicalising bad behaviour.  It is not actually a diagnostic term. Narcissism Personality Disorder is a diagnosis because these people don’t show up to be diagnosed anyhow. 

Narcissism is a personality pattern. It is a way of relating to the world much like we describe someone as stubborn or agreeable or introverted. Some of these patterns are valued in the society and others aren’t. As a matter of fact, most people don’t get called narcissistic as a compliment. How much ever we accept to not accept it paradoxically, we reward it. Dr. Allen Frances, one of the architects of the diagnosis of narcissistic personality disorder and he argues that “we actually give badly behaved people an obtainability”call it a diagnosis. When a person is cruel, rude or narrow minded disliking the pattern of this behaviour doesn’t make it a mental illness. That person must be experiencing problems in their life. 

 

If we enlist “things” that make up narcissism, we funnel it down to an uncomfortable highpoint. Narcissism comprises of certain pillars like lack of empathy, lavishness, entitlement, hollowness, admiration & validation seeking, hypersensitivity, rage & a tendency to manipulate and exploit people. Their behaviors are quite confusing as they tend to be emotionally detached but they are hyper-responsive. They have temper triggers that sets off in no time. When their fragile egos get threatened. Narcissism is synonymous with PATHOLOGICAL INSECURITY. 

 

The key to understanding a narcissist is that they are constantly feeling empty & unstable. Their lavishness is actually an immature defence to a threat against their sense of self and they are desperate for everyone to keep validating them. On their good days they look happy, great, lavish but on their bad days the disguise crushes quickly & we see misappropriate rage, shame and cruelty. The commonality in narcissistic people in relationships is clear that these relationships were being balanced simultaneously by hope and fear. Hope that someday it would get better if they kept trying and fear that if they fall out of the relationship the will be left alone forever.

 

The world is more insecure and the reasons are varied. It is observed and researched that more of sadness, anger, stress & physical pain. The increasing insecurity in our world and the platforms that capitalize on it has created an optimal fertile ground for narcissism to raise and flourish. When human value is driven entirely by external incentives like success. The qualities like empathy do not have a fighting chances as they are no longer valuable. Narcissism is tempting making it an aspiring form of personality trait. There are what we call the three ‘C’s of narcissism Charm, Charisma and Confidence. This doesn’t mean that all charismatic and charming people are narcissistic.  However, we know that the characteristic is so attractive that they increase the chances that we are blinded to more toxic characteristics that unfold at the same time. 

 

When a person is in a relationship and know the partner is a narcissist why do people still continue?

Well it is because all of us are exposed to those narcissistic charm, charisma & confidence. In fact, we may be more defenceless for being abuse by the narcissist. If we originate form a family in which the pattern of narcissism was normalized such as having a authoritarian, distant invalidating or abusive parent. Our own insecurities render us weak and stop us to climb out when the charming and charismatic personality turns into invalidating and abusive. Most of us are great in giving second chances and are major accelerant for narcissism. 

 

When we are in a narcissistic relationship we tend to make excuses to cover up:“that’s how he is. He didn’t really mean it.” And that’s how the prevalent obsession in any form of narcissistic relationship, whether with an individual/family/company/culture at large can slowly increase and take over. We consider giving a second chance is committed. Our culture is immersed in the tales of hope, redemption & forgiveness. Considering it warm and healthy but when in the wrong hands, hope and forgiveness may not represent as an opportunity, for growth/change or restoration. Rather, a permission to just keep things going as they are because for narcissists forgiveness is interpreted as a characteristic they carry which gets appreciated and gives respect. 

 

Have we created a world where narcissism is becoming necessary to succeed in the new worldly order?

Here is a split in thoughts and acceptance as the very quality associated with materialistic success are actually bad. Because, while these qualities may be festered and fostered by our cultures, society, schools, economies and communities remember they are never going to do any good to our most valued and close relationships. These relationships includes parents, children, siblings, extended family, friends, colleagues, business associates, spouses & partners. 

  

In the most intimate relationships we see profound impacts of narcissism. A relationship with a narcissist is a gradual teaching where one slowly becomes habituated to their lack of empathy, tantrums, rage, insults, their entitlements and challenges to our realities. Their insulting words slowly become your self talk and before you realise you form a new belief that “I am not enough”. 

 

Narcissistic Parent 

They undermine the fundamentals of healthy relationships. Basic fundamentals of mutuality, respect, compassion, patience, honesty and trust. These are things which are not characterised in a Narcissistic system or a person.

Anyone who has or had narcissistic parent will acknowledge, it was the foundation to who they are today. It has taught  a sense of insecurity in a chronic wordplay at psychological level. From an early age, narcissistic parents leave a legacy, including an inability to trust ones own instincts, to safely enter relationships and a lifetime spent trying to gain notice of the unapproachable, detached & disconnected parent. 

 

Narcissistic Leader

The proliferation of narcissism in our culture, governments, companies and world have created very difficult workplaces. The narcissistic boss is the insecure tyrant. They create a workplace ruled by fear and deception, abuse and unkindness. 

 

The most painful realization is that narcissistic patterns are just not that agreeable to change. At the minimal the narcissist has to recognize the harmful pattern of their behavior then they want to change it and then they have to put it in the daily word of change. There is a small number of cases where that somewhat happens, but under conditions of stress and frustration the usual issues of rage and anger will pop up. Thus, making the rubber band of personality returns to it usual shape and size. The small changes may not be enough to make a close, intimate relationship sustainable. If somebody is not ready to recognize that they need to make changes because they are hurting other people, there is a little likelihood that they will go in for a change. But there is a likelihood they will continue to blame other people, the world or you for their bad behavior. 

 

Can there be happy endings where narcissistic or antagonistic personalities and cultures are connected?

The greatest challenge about happy endings in real life is that they rarely look like the ones we crafted when we are young. Its easy to get stuck in our own old narratives. People who come from narcissistic families may feel as though they missed out on having a parent who is an ally or supporter, even as they go to adulthood. People who are married to narcissistic partners may find themselves stuck in a nightmare of emotional abuse.

 

So how do we, as business owners, as managers, leverage these challenging personalities, to ensure that we have successful businesses and positive working environments? (Business/ organizational solution)

You all know one! You might even have interacted with one! You might even be one. Well, one thing we know for sure is that their numbers are increasing. High time we need to have a solution in place for Narcissistic people. Regardless of the cause, narcissist people can be extremely difficult to employ and even harder to work for. 

 

The first step is to hire accordingly. In this situation, you must know that these personality types exist. You must lookout for it. By doing so, you can help to screen and clear out those pathological, and the extreme narcissist. We know that those personality types are extremely toxic and unproductive in the workplace, even as leaders. Additionally, when you're screening, you need to identify not only the job skills that are required, but the personal skills that complement that job. By doing so, you can actually use the strengths of these personalities to your advantage. We know that they're extremely persuasive. We know that they function well as islands in and of themselves. We know that they can be very engaging, and they're also extremely dedicated. So, by clubbing the personality skills with the job itself, you can ensure greater success. 

 

Second Step, define your environment. You must lead and empower the leaders. If you don't lead, the narcissists will. Additionally, create a in-group like environment. This is a team organized spirit, the greater good rules. Make sure you have a group. Group success is your measurement for all individuals. By doing so, you can ensure a much greater, powerful workforce. Additionally, they need to be fed constantly and frequently. We need to feed them with praise. We need to give them raises and incentives, again, frequently. Again, we need to appraise them as well and give them constant feedback on how they're doing. 

 

Finally, Third Step, we need to create a supportive work environment, not only for the narcissistic personalities, but for everybody else. By doing so, you can ensure that there is good communication, and if there is behaviour that's offside, that it can be checked quickly, and without any kind of penalties to those people reporting them. Next, you need to clearly set your expectations. Not only defining the job skills required, but the overall workplace behaviour that's acceptable to you. The more specific you are, the better off you are. This, again, has to be reinforced frequently. People need to be reminded that this is actually what is required. Next, accountability at all levels. People need to be reminded that confidence does not necessarily equal competence. Documentation is also important as a protocol for this type of personality. We know that narcissists tend to be highly arguable. So, you need to protect yourself, your employees and your business by documenting poor work behaviour and clearly advising what next steps are. 

 

Last but not least, there needs to be a clear disciplinary process in place. This needs to be applied at all levels, from the CEO down. It needs to be consistently applied, and there're no free passes. By doing so, you can increase morale in the company itself and have consistency in the application process. By following these three steps, you can effectively leverage these challenging personalities and cultivate an environment where all employees and your business can bloom and thrive.

 

All of us are bigger than this epidemic of narcissism. Any of us can change the ‘you are not enough’ narrative that still resonates. We can re-parent ourselves. Where there are scars, beautiful things actually can spring forth. Khalil Gibran writes, “out of suffering have emerged the strongest souls; the most massive characters are seared with scars.”

 

Yes, the world is in fact becoming more narcissistic and insecure. Don’t let this global trend of rudeness affect you. Protect yourself, find your communities, find common grounds with other people instead of living in polarization. Practice kindness and empathy even when people are not. Choose your romances and friends with care. Every life story can be a miracle or a tragedy. It just depends on how you write it. These days when the world is in such a disarray anyone who is suffering with their empathy unbroken, their heart sound, their integrity in place and their sense of humor intact is nothing short of determined.

 

 

Perfectionism: Opportunity with Obstacle or Obstacle in Opportunity

 

I'm a bit of a perfectionist. Now, how many times have you heard someone saying this? A social get together, maybe, with friends, or perhaps with family at festive days. It's everyone's favourite defect, it's that now quite common response to the difficult, final question at job interviews: "My biggest weakness? That's my perfectionism." You see, for something that apparently holds us back, it's quite remarkable how many of us are quite happy to hold our hands up and say we're perfectionists. But there's an interesting and serious point because our complaining wonder for perfection is so pervasive that we never really stop to question that concept in its own terms. 

 

What does it say about us and our society that there is a kind of celebration in perfection? 

We tend to hold perfectionism up as a badge of worth. The emblem of the successful. Yet, in understanding perfectionism, its has seen limited evidence that perfectionists are more successful. Quite the contrary, they feel unhappy and dissatisfied amid a slow sense that they're never quite perfect enough. We know from reports that perfectionism conceals a host of psychological difficulties, including things like depression, anxiety and even suicidal thoughts. And what's more worrying is that over the last 25 years, we have seen perfectionism rise at an alarming rate. And at the same time, we have seen more mental illness among young people than ever before. Rates of suicide in the India alone increased by 25 percent across the last two decades. 

 

Young people today are more preoccupied with the completion of the perfect life and lifestyle. In terms of their image, status and wealth. Young people borrow more heavily than did older generations, and they spend a much greater proportion of their income on image goods and status possessions. These possessions, their lives and their lifestyles are now displayed in vivid detail on the global social media platforms of Instagram, Facebook, Snapchat. In this new visual culture, the appearance of perfection is far more important than the reality. 

 

If one side of the modern landscape that we have so abundantly furnished for young people is this idea that there's a perfectible life and that there's a perfectible lifestyle, then the other is surely work. Nothing is out of reach for those who want it badly enough. Opportunity, the self-made person, hard work. The notion that hard work always pays off. And above all, the idea that we're captains of our own destiny. These ideas, they connect our wealth, our status and our image with our innate, personal value where it is a complete fiction. Because even if there were equality of opportunity, the idea that we are captains of our own destiny disguises a blunt truth for young people that they are subject to an almost ongoing economic trial. Metrics and rankings have emerged as the benchmarks for which merit can be quantified and used to sort young people into schools, classes and colleges. 

 

Education is the first arena where measurement is so publicly played out and where metrics are being used as a tool to improve standards and performance which starts young. No wonder young people report a strong need to strive, perform and achieve at the centre of modern life. They've been conditioned to define themselves in the strict and narrow terms of grades, percentiles and lead tables. 

·  This is a society that preys on their insecurities about how they are performing and how they are appearing to other people. 

·  This is a society that amplifies their imperfections. 

Every flaw, every unforeseen setback increases a need to perform more perfectly next time, or else, bluntly, you're a failure. That feeling of being flawed and deficient is especially penetrative; just talk to young people. 

 

"How should I look; how should I behave?" "I should look like that model, I should have as many followers as that Instagram influencer, I must do better in school." 

 

In many young people these lived effects of perfectionism first hand. And one student sticks out in my mind very vividly. Mayank, not his real name, was ambitious, hardworking and diligent and on the surface, he was exceptionally high-achieving, often getting first-class grades for his work. Yet, no matter how well Mayank achieved, he always seemed to recast his successes as horrible failures, and he would talk openly about how he'd let himself and others down. Mayank’s justification was quite simple: How could he be a success when he was trying so much harder than other people just to attain the same outcomes? 

 

See, Mayank's perfectionism, was only serving to expose what he saw as his inner weakness to himself and to others. Cases like Mayank's speak to the harmfulness of perfectionism as a way of being in the world. Contrary to popular belief, perfectionism is never about perfecting things or perfecting tasks. It's not about striving for excellence. Mayank's case highlights this intensely. At its root, perfectionism is about perfecting the imperfect self.

 

And you can consider it like a mountain of achievement that perfectionism leads us to imagine ourselves scaling. And we think to ourselves, "Once I've reached that peak, then people will see I'm not flawed, and I'll be worth something." But something perfectionism doesn't tell us is that soon after reaching that peak, we will be called down again to the fresh lowlands of insecurity and shame, just to try and scale that peak again. This is the cycle of self-defeat. In the pursuit of unattainable perfection, a perfectionist just cannot step off. And it's why it's so difficult to treat. 

 

Now, we've known for ages that perfectionism contributes to a host of psychological problems, but there was never a good way to measure it. Until now, the first is self-oriented perfectionism, the irrational desire to be perfect: "I strive to be as perfect as I can be." The second is socially prescribed perfectionism, the sense that the social environment is excessively demanding: "I feel that others are too demanding of me." And the third is other-oriented perfectionism, the imposition of unrealistic standards on other people: "If I ask somebody to do something, I expect it to be done perfectly." 

 

Now, research shows that all three elements of perfectionism associate with compromised mental health, including things like increased depression, increased anxiety and suicide thoughts. But the most problematic element of perfectionism is socially prescribed perfectionism. That sense that everyone expects me to be perfect. This element of perfectionism has a large correlation with serious mental illness. And with today's emphasis on perfection at the forefront of my mind, I was curious to see whether these elements of perfectionism were changing. 

 

To date, research in this area is focused on immediate family relations. All three elements of perfectionism have increased over time. But socially prescribed perfectionism saw the largest increase, and by far. Remember, this is the element of perfectionism that has the largest correlation with serious mental illness, and that's for good reason. Socially prescribed perfectionists feel a compelled need to meet the expectations of other people. And even if they do meet yesterday's expectation of perfection, they then raise the bar on themselves to an even higher degree because these folks believe that the better they do, the better that they're expected to do. This breeds a profound sense of helplessness and, worse, hopelessness. 

 

But is there hope? 

Of course, there's hope. Perfectionists can and should hold on to certain things they are typically bright, ambitious, conscientious and hardworking. But a little bit of self-compassion, going easy on ourselves when things don't go well, can turn those qualities into greater personal peace and success. And then there's what we can do as supporters. 

Perfectionism develops in our formative years, and so young people are more vulnerable. Parents can help their children by supporting them unconditionally when they've tried but failed. Mom and Dad can resist their understandable urge in today's highly competitive society to helicopter-parent, as a lot of anxiety is communicated when parents take on their kids' successes and failures as their own. 

 

But ultimately, the research raises important questions about how we are structuring society and whether our society's heavy emphasis on competition, evaluation and testing is benefiting young people. It's become every day for public figures to say that young people just need a little bit more strength in the face of these new and exceptional pressures. But I believe that is us washing our hands of the core issue because we have a shared responsibility to create a society and a culture in which young people need less perfection in the first place. Creating that kind of world is an enormous challenge, and for a generation of young people that live their lives in the 24/7 spotlight of metrics, achievements and social media, perfectionism is inevitable, so long as they lack any purpose in life greater than how they are appearing or how they are performing to other people. 

 

What can they do about it? 

Every time they are knocked down from that benchmark, they see no other option but to try scaling that peak again. So long as we teach young people that there is nothing more real or meaningful in their lives than this hopeless quest for perfection, then we are going to condemn future generations to that same futility and despair. And so we're left with a question. When are we going to appreciate that there is something fundamentally inhuman about limitless perfection? No one is flawless. If we want to help our young people escape the trap of perfectionism, then we will teach them that in a chaotic world, life will often defeat us, but that's OKAY. Failure is not weakness. If we want to help our young people outgrow this self-defeating snare of impossible perfection, then we will raise them in a society that has outgrown that very same delusion. But most of all, if we want our young people to enjoy mental, emotional and psychological health, then we will invite them to celebrate the joys and the beauties of imperfection as a normal and natural part of everyday living and loving. 

SELF-ESTEEM: A SELF-DEVELOPED SKILL

 

In psychology, the term self-esteem is used to describe a person’s overall sense of self-worth or personal value. In other words, how much you appreciate and respect yourself. Well we all know that self-esteem can be an important part of success. Too little self-esteem can leave people feeling defeated or depressed. It can also lead people to make bad choices, fall into destructive relationships or fail to live up their full potentials. I believe self-esteem starts in the mind. When born we are born with a promise and its potential which is a secret, invisible and it is surely inside us. This is the case with every person living or dead on the face of this earth and these potential stays “what I can be is up to me and what my life can be is up to me”. The saddest part is that many of us never find our potential and remaining many of us never live our potential. 

Imagine you were born with a Blank Canvas and totally equipped with required colors, brushes and it was totally up to you what you wanted to do with your life canvas. You can use any color, any brush stroke. it was totally up to you where you could paint the painting of your life using the potential that you came with and you can paint any image on that canvas. Creating a masterpiece and calling it the Painting of Life.

 

Now what happens is, as we are born with the canvas - a promise, potential and with this unlimited imagination and instantaneously what starts to happen is people also come and they start painting on your canvas. These people are well-meaning, they mean well some are great and are positive, uplift and support you. But other people keep you small and condition you, they tease and pull you down. All of these other people are painting on your canvas making our masterpiece. This continues for a number of years and then suddenly you start to realize the painting doesn’t quite look the same anymore. It’s something different than you had thought but this continues for further number of years and then eventually you start accepting that this painting is the one that should be your life. Basically, accepting other people’s ideas, conditioning and perspectives about you as your reality. Now people have added their conditionings, ideas and perspective on your mind space as colours and brush strokes which we now want to change.

The blank canvas we are born with is a mind space which explains the statement self-esteem starts in the mind. The thoughts are the colors used to make the masterpiece of life. They can be positive feelings, up lifting or will be negative feelings and these thoughts create our values, beliefs and ultimately our Self-Esteem. So, everything that you think in the mind about what has happened in your life until now is what is creating your self-esteem. It is this self-esteem that will make or break you in life. 

 

Leonardo da Vinci’s drawing of The Vitruvian Man is one of the most popular world icons was created by around the year 1487. It is accompanied by notes based on the work of famed architect, Vitruvius Polio. The drawing is on display occasionally at Gallerie dell’Accademia, Venice, Italy. Every year when on display around six million people visit this place to see the drawing as it is very iconic and beautiful. Being a piece of heritage and volume of visitors The Vitruvius Polio is guarded around a lot of security but astonishingly you never see this security. The moment there is any step taken closer by any means the guards can race them and they protect the canvas. 

From today onwards our mind, panelist or mind space is like that Vitruvius Polio drawing and we guard it. We will allow people inside who are positive, up lifters, encouragers and the ones giving us confidence rejecting others who are negative, pull us down and the ones who tell us we are no good. This doesn’t mean you start removing people from your lives, some people are positive and some are negative but it means you do not allow the negativity into your mind space.

 

Imagine for a moment now looking at your painting of life. There are things positive as well as negative painted on it. Looking at it as it is, decide are you happy with the masterpiece, are you happy with your life or a bit frustrated. If frustrated the its time to make some changes and make some choices. This is how we move forward and make a decision only out of these two choices. First, we can accept the negativity and discouragements or Second, we can start to take action. We can take action knowing that we can are making a difference in our lives. 

 

There is a popular Indian saying “the bite of the snake does not kill you but it is the poison that is left behind once the snake is gone which is fatal”. We all have events in our lives where something bad had happened many years ago and we continue to think about it longer even after the event has happened. So, the the bite of the snake represents the event and we thinking about it long after it has happened is the poison. 

 

Solution: What’s already painted on you canvas stays on it. You may try to scrape off the paint. The scrapping will make it look uglier. So, the solution is as simple as you start repainting on you canvas. This means you are choosing not to develop negative thoughts and would repaint it with new colors of positive thoughts, ideas and experiences. From this moment, onwards you can change the way you think and act. 

 

Let me introduce you to a simple yet effective therapy and it is called THE SMILE THERAPY. It is a self-therapy and doesn’t need expertise like other therapies do. 

Practical: So, think about something that makes you angry. Feel that anger in your body and remember where you felt it the most. Now relax, get a small smile think of the same something and could you connect to the anger? The smile that you introduced to the memory that get you anger changed the definition or trigger to your emotion. 

 

There are two types of smiles. The smile that everyone regularly uses is called a laugh because of something funny. On the other hand, Mac smile a is create smile. In other words, its fun when you smile. By creating your smile, you can change your mind from negative to positive. As a result, it will improve your health, aesthetics and interpersonal relationships. The objective is to improve your overall human capability by improving your appearance with smile training and your inner strength with mental training.

 

This works on two principles: 

(1)FACIAL DOUBLE FEEDBACK EFFECT   

When the brain detects that you are having fun or liking something, it will naturally raise your mouth’s corner turning it into a smile. This is because a pleasure hormone called endocrines gets released in the brain.

 

(2)MIRROR EFFECT

Imagine a mirror between you and the other person. When you smile, they will smile right back; when they smile, you smile right back at them. Conversely, the transfer of your grim face onto the other person is called the reverse mirror effect.

 

Let me introduce you to another simple yet an effective technique and it’s called STOP. This technique is very effective and works for everyone. STOP technique just means when you have a negative thought you STOP your mind and mouth to introduce a pause. Then you introduce in a positive thought. Here you think of the positive instead of the negative. A positive thought is something that makes you happy the moment you think about it. Researchers have concluded that humans have about 50,000 thoughts every day. Miraculously all of those thoughts are the same you had yesterday and the day before and the day before that. Researchers have even proven that majorly those thoughts are negative. If we have low self-esteem then we have more negative thoughts of everybody else and we think about the past more than anybody else. 

 

The first thing every morning most of us do is we check our mobile phones. So, today onwards the first thing we do every morning is we stop checking our mobile phones and replace it with checking our mind space for the thought we have woken with. Consider you waking up with a negative thought – I am still tiered / I didn’t sleep enough / I drank too much / my exam today is going to be a blunder. We are going to say STOP to that negative though introduce a pause with a positive thought. This is when you are paining positivity over the negativity on your mind-space/canvas. You think of the positive thought for about 20/30/40 seconds and then you start your day.

 

Concluding with two easy solutions to nullify the negative emotions triggering bad thoughts majorly affecting your SELF-ESTEEM by virtue of The Smile Therapy and STOP technique you keep repeating this during the day. You have happy thoughts you have happy emotions and you take happier actions and lead a happier life. So, do not care what your past has been like nor what has occurred to you in your life until this moment. What really matters is how you move forward from this moment onwards. Remember you are the child born with the promise and the potential is still inside each and every one of you. It is the time you shine and bring out your potential choose your thoughts and repaint it on your canvas making it a masterpiece.